Page 30 of In Too Deep
Neither of them looked convinced, but they didn’t argue as they left.Although he was calling himself a fool the very next minute.A fool to not take the offered help and a fool to let Meg check on him.
But the entire walk back to staff cabins, all through his quick shower where he had to brace himself against the tile wall, while he collapsed onto the couch in his one-bedroom private unit, he couldn’t make himself call and tell her not to come.
And when she rapped softly on the door thirty minutes later holding a bowl of hot soup, some Gatorade, and his favorite movie on DVD, he just opened the door wider and invited her in without words.
“Sorry I’m late.Something at the clinic needed my attention.”She set the bowl on the side table next to his nest of blankets, put in the DVD, then chose the recliner across from him.
But as much as he loved this movie—had watched it dozens of times—he couldn’t focus on anything but the brunette stretched out in his La-Z-Boy a few feet away.
“You should eat,” she said without looking at him.
He picked up the spoon, but his hand trembled.Everything felt loose and disconnected.Like he was floating three feet above his body.
“Noah?”Meg’s voice pulled him back.She paused the movie.“You okay?”
“She was killed in a car accident.A guy was on his phone and missed the red light.”The words tumbled out before he could stop them.
Meg went very still.
Why had he just said that?Because he wanted her to know.Usually he was able to talk himself out of it, to build the walls back up.But right now, he didn’t have that much self-control.The fever had stripped him bare.
“By the time I got to the hospital”—his throat closed—“Penelope was already gone.Mary held on for two hours.Just long enough for me to…” Say goodbye.Tell her he loved her.Watch the light leave her eyes.
Meg’s hand landed on his.
“I should’ve been there.”The fever made everything raw, every nerve exposed, and stripped away the walls he’d spent three years building.“I should’ve been driving.Maybe I could’ve…I was supposed to protect them.”His vision blurred.He wasn’t sure if it was tears or fever.“That’s my job.I protect people.But I couldn’t…I didn’t…”
Her voice was gentle when she spoke.“You work yourself into the ground because if you stop, if you rest, someone might get hurt on your watch.”
He closed his eyes.
“But you can’t save everyone, Noah.And burning yourself out won’t bring them back.”Her cool hand brushed back his hair.
This was the calmest he’d felt in a long time.The constant roar in his head quieted to a whisper.
Closing yourself off to the pain also closes you off to the joy—something amazing God might still have for you.Will’s words from a couple weeks ago drilled right through him.
How easy would it be to let himself love Meg?
But loving her and then losing her?He didn’t think he had the strength to bury another person he loved.Didn’t think he could survive that grief again.
A million catchphrases from church echoed in his ears, platitudes he’d heard at Mary’s funeral.All about trusting God.All about letting go of control.All were well-meaning, but he wondered whether the person who first coined them had ever walked through real grief.
Real pain.
The type of pain that steals your breath and consumes your whole body, that makes you wish you could cease existing just to make it stop.
Meg must have thought he’d fallen asleep because she restarted the movie and lowered the volume.When she laughed at something on the screen—that bright, uninhibited sound—he forced his eyes open to watch her.A grin stretched from ear to ear.
And she was…breathtaking.
She wore a simple graphic tee with Chewbacca on it.Her hair was now up in a loopy bun on top of her head.She’d ditched her preferred contacts for the glasses she claimed to hate—black frames that suited her perfectly.
In that moment, he had no doubt she could be wearing a garbage bag and unbrushed hair and she would still be amazing, still be the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.
The realization hit him in the chest.
He’d been so busy trying not to fall for her that he hadn’t realized he already had.And keeping her at a distance wouldn’t make losing her any less painful.The damage was already done.
