Page 12 of In Their Hearts
And then I see it. Their kiss. The one I saw when we arrived. I hadn’t expected it. I shouldn’t have. I knew Clay had someone… but a man? A steamy lumberjack of a man. He’s larger than Clay. I didn’t see that coming. I thought he had a girlfriend.
It’s an unpleasant reminder that I’m on the outside of something I can’t touch. Can never really have.
I spot my bag on the counter, next to it a stack of mail. Clay grabbed it for me. How did I miss that? Oh… right. My brain was still tangled up in shock over that damn kiss. One kiss that’s breaking me into pieces.
It’s a thoughtful gesture on any day but today. Definitely not today. Not yet. Today, it only reminds me that reality is a bitch. That the world doesn’t pause for me to catch my breath, doesn’t care that my heart is messy, or confused, or aching.
I can’t explain the loss of my fiancé except as devastating in ways I didn’t know were possible.
Shit.
Her letter is here. Just like I knew it would be. The fear and anxiety come rushing back in… uninvited.
Her hurtful words are printed in ink like a tattoo. Permanent. Always there like she’s waiting to see if they’ll break me.
Her letters have gone unanswered for eight years now. Will she ever stop? I know the answer… no.
I sigh, stiffening my jaw. Let’s get it over with. I rip it open, careless.
I read, as I always do, letting her words fold into me like a second skin. Just like she says, I deserve. And maybe I do.
* * *
Jolee,
I have been told that it would be healthier to forgive you. Holding on to blame only deepens grief. I’ve considered that advice carefully.
It doesn’t apply here.
He trusted you. He thought he loved you, but I knew better. I had his heart.
I still set a place for him in my memory. I still hear his voice, before you caused the unthinkable. You took him from me. From us.
And for that, you should be suffering with me. I will make sure of it.
SJ
Painful.
I swallow and take a breath.
Then layer the pain inside, with the rest of it, where it can’t surprise me.
Because inside, my emotions are in chaos. Buried under piles of bricks. I’ve had eight long years of building up my shield.
Desire, guilt, grief, and longing, they all crash against each other, leaving me dizzy and unsure.
I fear being weak, being unworthy of being… lovable again.
And I can’t tell anyone. That’s not in my plan. Not while my own heart is still untangling itself.
I’m trapped in myself, and every little thought, every little feeling, just keeps twisting tighter.
But you also never planned to meet them.
8
Clay
