Page 153 of The Troublemaker
“Why did you leave Tanner?”I ask.
More tears fall down her cheeks, but she glances at Easton, who’s returning with a beer.
“I couldn’t do it.It was so much work, and I was drowning.My grandma said that the best thing that ever happened to her was raising me.Here I thought I was always this nuisance and the person who stopped her from living her life when my mom left me with her.For the first time, I understood what my mom must have felt.I almost wanted to thank her for knowing she couldn’t take care of me because my grandma gave me such a loving, safe home.”She looks at Easton.
“When I left him—” Honor’s voice fractures.“Grandma had just returned from rehab.I had no money, couldn’t keep a job because I was always leaving for her appointments, I had no one.”She presses her fingers to her eyes.“I knew Easton could give him a life that I couldn’t.You have the money for nannies, and he’ll never want for anything with you.”
Easton takes a long pull from his beer, side-eyeing me.“You’re his biological mom.He’ll probably want to know you in the future.”
It amazes me how he’s able to keep it all so compartmentalized while I’m still processing the fact that the baby who calls me Mama is actually my best friend’s son.
“After I came back, why didn’t you say anything?”I ask.
She nods as though she expected that question.“I didn’t know what to do.I thought you two were just fuck buddies who hooked up if you both happened to be in town.That day at the bookstore when you said you were going to ask Easton to marry you, I didn’t know what to say.I hadn’t told you about Tanner, and up until then I was trying to move on.It all happened so fast.The proposal, the wedding, the three of you becoming this family… I didn’t know how to tell you or what to say.I didn’t even know how I felt about it all.I had just given him up and knew I made the right decision.That he was in better hands here, but you stepping in wasn’t part of my plan.Like I said, I thought between you two there were no feelings when I left him.”
I think about Tanner in his high chair, throwing pancake pieces.Tanner with his hands on Easton’s face, running along the scruff.Tanner saying Mama and looking at me as though he was asking a question he already knew the answer to.
But I hate that I can see it from Honor’s side.She went through her entire pregnancy without telling me.A huge milestone I knew nothing about.
“You should have told me.”My voice comes out as a whisper.
“I know.”She scrubs at the tears on her face.
“Honor, I told you things I hadn’t said out loud to anyone.”My voice cracks now, and I don’t try to stop it.“I trusted you with all of it.And you sat there, knowing, and?—”
“I know.”Her voice breaks too.“I know, and I’m so sorry.I was scared, and I kept thinking there would be a right time and there wasn’t, and then the longer it went, the worse it got, and I—” She hugs her body, rocking for a moment.“But I saw it.The two of you so in love and Tanner so loved and cared for… I just started to feel like he was where he should be.That of course you’d make a great mom, because you’ve been my person since we were in the third grade.If I couldn’t take care of him, I’d want you to do it.”
She slowly rises off the couch and walks over, hesitantly sitting next to me.
“I know you might not understand it, and I don’t expect you to, but he’s meant to be yours.I’ve come to truly believe that over these months.I’ve never seen you all in person together, but in the pictures, it’s there, the love.”I hear the sincerity in her words.She grabs my hands.
Easton walks out of the room, giving us some privacy, but still within earshot.
“I’m so sorry, Hadley.I never meant for all of this to happen, but I’m proud of you.”
I scoff.“For?”
She looks around the room.“You’ve made roots.”
“Honor, he’s yours.”
She shakes her head.“No, he’s not.And after all of our conversations and coffee visits, I came to a conclusion.He’s yours, and I think we both know that.”
We sit there and hold hands, staring at each other.
“I can help you.We can make this work somehow.”I’m unsure how we’ll manage it, but we can try.For Tanner, I’d do anything.I don’t want him to someday look for her or wonder why she didn’t want him.
“That’s what you don’t understand.I’m free now.”She squeezes my hands.“I don’t want to be a mother.I don’t want eighteen more years of being tied to someone, being responsible for their well-being.I don’t expect you to understand… I love him, I do, but I love him enough to let him go.”Her tears have stopped while mine continue to stream.“I was at peace when I left him with Easton, but now I’m even more at peace knowing that he has you.”
My shoulders drop.“Honor.”
She shakes her head.“We’re all winning here.”
I blow out a breath, and our eyes remain on one another’s.
I’m still angry.I still can’t believe she did this, but oddly, in this moment, what I feel is gratitude.
“Thank you.”I sit up and wrap my arms around her.“Thank you for all of this.”
