Page 118 of The Troublemaker
I think about last night.Not just the physical—though that’s a vivid and warm memory I’ll reach for many times—but the restaurant.The dancing.The Riverwalk.The way he’s been so honest with me about his family, the public, and Kenzie.
All of it feels like evidence of us getting to this place where we’re ready to do this.
Most of all, it’s the three words from last night.I trust youcracked open something inside me that has never opened for anyone before him.
Underneath all of that, it’s a solid yes.Loud and clear, my answer is yes, but I can’t just jump in with him without warning him.
It’s the yes that scares me.Not the no.
“I’m terrified,” I admit, my voice quieter than I intend.I clench my fists to stop my hands from shaking.
“Me too.”
I stand, unable to sit anymore.“What if I say yes, then I ruin it?What if I stay and one day it starts to feel like every place I’ve stayed too long… what if I start to feel like the walls are closing in and I need air… what if Tanner’s mom shows up and rearranges everything… what if we’re only good at this because there’s an expiration date?”
“I have the same worries, Had.I also have a son to consider.What if I fuck this up and he loses you?”
I shake my head.“He won’t.Whatever happens, Tanner doesn’t lose me.”
A look of relief crosses his face.
“I don’t have a good track record with staying,” I say.“I’m not going to pretend I’ve figured out something about myself overnight that I haven’t in the past thirty years.”
He nods.“I know.”
“But…”
“What?”He straightens at the word.
“I want this.I do.”Tears well in my eyes.
“Hadley.”His voice is gentle as he takes my hands.“I know all of it.I’m not asking you to have it all figured out.I’m just asking you to stop pretending there’s nothing here.”
I look at our hands, his thumbs running along the back of my hand.
“When I get scared, and if I do something stupid or pull back or say the wrong thing”—I look at him—“I’m going to need you to give me grace.”
He squeezes my hands.“Done.And I’ll need the same.Because I’m going to mess this up.I don’t know how yet, but I most likely will, and I need to know you’re not going to disappear the first time I do.”
“I’m not going to disappear.”I will him to see that I mean it.
He exhales as if he’s been holding that breath since this conversation started.
We stand in the middle of the room, staring at our entwined hands.
“So?”
I lift my gaze to his.“Okay.”
“Just what every guy wants to hear when they lay their heart on the line.”He smiles.
“You know what I mean.”
“Does this mean I can stop torturing myself every morning when you’re wrapped around me?”
I laugh.“We have Tanner to consider.”
“He can have his own room now.”
