Page 63 of Promise To Marry You
Sawyer stays another hour, then takes off. It feels good to not be on the outs with my twin, but it also feels uncomfortable to know I still haven’t told him everything. He doesn’t know I’m married or that I told Cam I loved her and she didn’t say it back.
Because a small part of me is terrified he’ll be sayingI told you sosomeday soon.
Chapter thirty
Cam
Let the record show,I know I’m a fucking cowardly piece of shit.
I heard Beck, loud and clear, when he said those three words. I heard him and my heart froze in panic. It’s not that I was surprised, it’s that I was wholly unprepared to say them back.
Because I’m still kind of terrified to admit that the feelings growing inside of me are so much more than the friendship I thought I was happy with. When he uttered those words, emotions battled inside of me. Elation and terror. Relief and doubt. A surprisingly strong desire to say them back, and deep-seated fear that if I do, I’ll lose everything.
Irrational? Yes.
But I never claimed to be easy.
By the time I got home that night, Sawyer was gone. Beckett seemed to want to act as if nothing had happened, so I fell into line and did the same. But those words were there, hanging between us, creating an awkward energy that has never existed before. When we went to bed that night and he pulled me into his arms, I found myself holding my breath, waiting to see if he’d say it again, only fully relaxing when I realized he had fallen asleep.
Did I want him to say it again? I don’t fucking know.
And that makes me feel like a shit human being who can’t figure out her own goddamn heart enough to give the man she’s crazy about everything he wants.
But for two days now, we’ve acted normal, and acted as if he didn’t say anything in the shower after giving me multiple orgasms. Maybe he doesn’t realize I heard him, maybe he didn’t mean to say it. Any number of scenarios have run through my head.
I’d be impressed by the level of denial and avoidance we both seem to be utilizing if it didn’t also make me kind of sad. And then confused. And then guilty.
For fuck’s sake, emotions are hard.
“Okay, Vi, go climb on Cam for a bit. Uncle Beck needs a break.”
The man in question comes outside with a child attached to his back. I don’t know his cousin or his cousin’s daughter that well, but when Beckett said Leo asked if we could watch Violet for the day, I was quick to agree.
She’s adorable, equal parts shy and inquisitive, and she’s got all of the Donnellys wrapped around her cute little finger.
Beckett swings her around to his front and sets her down before collapsing dramatically into a chair next to me. “See? You zapped all my energy, kiddo.”
“Nuh uh, I didn’t!” she protests with a grin.
Beck chuckles warmly, then lifts his arm and lets it flop back down. “Yup, see, all gone. I need to recharge. But I bet Cam will play hide and seek with you.”
Vi turns to me, a shy smile on her face. It took her an hour or so to warm up to me, but as soon as I pulled out some paper and markers, and started drawing silly animals, she was hooked.
“Do you want to play hide and seek? Or make more animal masks?”
Tilting her cute little head to the side, Vi considers the decision. “Both!”
Beck and I laugh at the pleased smile on her face. She’s a smart cookie, that’s for sure. Rising up to stand, I reach a hand out for her. “Okay, then. Let’s go inside and draw some animals while Uncle Beck rests, then we can come outside again and maybe get him to play with us. Sound good?”
Her enthusiastic nod has us both fighting back another laugh, our eyes meeting over Vi’s head.
All too soon, Serena, Leo’s wife, arrives to pick Violet up. Beck and Vi are in the backyard, so I’m the one to let Serena in and through the house onto the back deck.
“Well, that’s freaking adorable,” the tall blonde comments as Beck and Vi come into view. Vi’s giggle is audible from here, and the smile on her face can’t be missed. “I swear that family is blessed with the best genes possible. Handsome, capable, intelligent men who love children? It doesn’t get any better.”
I laugh along with her but stop abruptly at her next comment.
“Something tells me Beckett has a lot of love to give. He’ll make an amazing husband and dad someday.” The wink and gentle nudge she gives me is probably meant to make me feel good, but instead, a sharp bolt of panic shears through me like a dagger.
