Page 60 of Hate To Want You
But it’s better this way. I don’t think she’ll betray me and tell Clarence what I’m doing, but just the same. It’s better to know now that she isn’t the woman I thought she was, the one who would be by my side, no matter what.
I look back at the computer screen, at the intake form for the provincial transplant team staring at me.
This is where my responsibility lies.
With my patients.
Not with a woman.
Chapter twenty-seven
Heidi
I make it back to the nursing station feeling numb. Part of me can’t quite grasp the fact that Max pushed me away so easily. I thought what we had was real, and when he said he trusted and respected me, he meant it. But his actions just now prove that wrong.
When he eventually comes out of the room where I found him falsifying reports to try and get Carson assessed by the transplant team, he doesn’t even glance my way.
Which is a blessing in disguise, since I’m barely holding on. I want to scream at him not to throw everything away, not to throwusaway. Of course, I understand his deep desire to save his patient. What health-care worker wouldn’t want to do anything possible to help? But there’s a line that should not be crossed. And he’s pretending that line doesn’t exist.
I get that he’s probably terrified to lose Carson. I know how he feels when he thinks he can’t protect someone or save them. He might have had therapy in the past, but it didn’t come close to fully healing the damage done by his father’s accident, or by Callum’s death.
The rest of the shift goes by in a blur. Max and I barely exchange a handful of words. It’s as if time has rewound back to when my residency first started and Max was keeping me at a distance. Only this time, it hurts so much more.
Because now I know what it’s like to be cared for by Max Donnelly. I know what it’s like to see the softer side of him, the part he doesn’t show to many people.
“What the heck is up his ass,” Tina huffs, dropping down into the chair next to me and crossing her arms. I look up to see her glaring at Max, who’s standing across the hall from where we’re seated.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I reply woodenly. It’s a lie, and I can only hope she doesn’t see through me.
“He just snapped at me for being ten minutes late hooking up antibiotics for room five. Ten minutes. Does he realize I haven’t taken a single break all day, that we’re down a nurse and overcount on patients? Please don’t ever get like that as a doctor. Don’t ever forget what it’s like for the nurses.”
The exhaustion is evident in her voice, and it’s an overwhelm I remember so clearly from my nursing days. I wrap my arm around her shoulder and give her a sideways hug. “I promise you, I will never lose sight of how hard you work. Nurses are the real heroes here, and we all know it. Even Max.”
“He sure isn’t acting like he remembers,” she grumbles. I give her one more squeeze, then let go, picking up my phone and stethoscope.
“He knows. Maybe it’s just a bad day.” I can’t help but defend him, even as my heart is hurting from what we said to each other in the conference room.
Tina stands up with me, lowering her head to rest on my shoulder briefly. “Thanks, Heidi. You’re probably right. I just needed to vent.”
I watch her walk away, and a part of me wishes I was in her shoes. If I were still a nurse, I wouldn’t be in my current position. I wouldn’t be heartbroken and scared, and uncertain of what the future looks like.
Because I wouldn’t be with Max.
My heart stutters at that thought. Despite the last few hours, despite my fear that he’s ruining his life over one patient, despite the hurtful words he said, I love him. That isn’t something that just goes away.
At least, not for me.
Tina and another nurse try to convince me to go out with them after our shift ends. But after watching Max disappear from the unit without even saying goodbye, I can’t fathom the idea of being around people while my heart is aching so deeply.
Instead, I go home to the apartment I haven’t spent much time in, aside from grabbing fresh clothes on my way to Max’s house. I immediately take out the bottle of wine that’s one of the four things still in my fridge. Next, I go to the bathroom, turn the taps on for the large tub that was the selling feature for this rental, then head to my bedroom to strip out of my scrubs. I toss my phone on my bed, sighing at the jab of pain that comes from seeing not one single message from Max.
I sink into the deep tub, all the way, until only my face is out of the water. Closing my eyes, I turn my focus internally, trying to practice some of the breathing exercises the therapist taught me after leaving Thad. I don’t need grounding right now, but anything that helps me calm my mind can’t be a bad thing.
But in the muffled silence, with no sound but the water swirling around me, the voices in my head are loud. Clamouring at me that I should have tried harder, said something different, forced him to walk away from the computer.
Even though I know all of that would have been futile.
I saw the determination in his eyes. I saw how committed he was to this path, regardless of right or wrong. Regardless of what it meant for his future, for our future.
