Page 33 of Hate To Want You
Boundaries are only good when they help, not hinder.
Could the same be said for my boundaries with Heidi?
“It’s my resident,” I blurt out. Beckett’s hands still mid-deal. The silence is deafening, and when I lift my head up off the back of the couch, I find four sets of eyes staring at me.
“Heidi. She’s getting to me. Drawing me in, making me want things I haven’t wanted in a long time — if ever,” I start, trying to decide how much to tell them. I won’t explain her connection to Thad. Not yet. “But I’m technically her boss, and no matter how attracted we are to each other, it feels wrong. The problem is, I don’t think either one of us cares if it’s right or wrong, and it’s only a matter of time before we cross that invisible line. Hell, we’ve already blurred it.”
“Is there a written policy about interprofessional relationships at the hospital?” Beckett asks.
I shake my head slowly. “No. There would be no way to enforce something like that with such a high number of staff. But this isn’t a nurse dating a physical therapist. Or even two attendings starting a relationship. She’s my subordinate. I’m in a position of authority over her, and a relationship between us could be construed as abusing that.”
“Max, you’re the last person anyone would ever accuse of taking advantage of someone.”
I turn to Leo. “Thank you, but it wouldn’t matter. People would talk and wonder. That’s not fair to Heidi or me.”
“So, don’t do anything until her residency is over.” Sawyer bites down on a piece of pizza, his next words mumbled around his mouthful of food. “Just keep it in your pants until then.”
“Or could she ask to get reassigned to someone else?” Hunter chimes in. Even though the two ideas have merit, I hate the thought of them both.
“There’s all manner of ways to handle things appropriately by taking necessary steps to protect the integrity of both your careers. I’m more concerned with why this is the first time I can remember Max expressing interest in a woman beyond some casual fling, and why he sounds so torn up about it.”
As usual, Beckett hits the nail on the head, first try. I shift on the couch, uncomfortable with how close they’re getting to uncovering parts of me I’ve kept hidden for years.
“It might not have been at poker night, but you guys pushed me to face my fears and figure out what was holding me back with your sister. And it was the best thing you could’ve done. So, consider this me returning the favour. Whatever it is, let it out. Move forward.”
I stare at Hunter, remembering how he almost let his deep-seated anxiety destroy his relationship with Kat. But he’s right, he faced his fears head-on. I’m just not ready to do that yet.
“Message received. I’ll think about it, guys. Now are we gonna play poker?”
My attempt at redirection is weak at best, and part of me fully expects them to push back and demand I tell them more. But to my immense relief, Leo comes to my rescue.
“Yeah, let’s play. Five-card draw or Texas hold ’em?” He turns to Beckett, who resumes dealing.
“Five-card, obviously,” Sawyer replies, standing up. “I’m going for more pizza. Anyone need a refill?”
The energy shifts, thankfully, and I force myself to relax and enjoy some time with the boys. But it weighs on me that they don’t know the full story.
Which is why, after they leave — not before making me promise to join Hunter and Sawyer at Hastings tomorrow night — I find myself wandering my apartment, feeling no less confused about what to do with Heidi than I was at the beginning of the evening.
Chapter sixteen
Heidi
After close to two days of monitoring Teagan, Max somehow manages to get us both a day off. I’m grateful for it. Not only because I’m tired, but also because I could use the distance from him.
My head is a mess of confusion, and I feel so unsure about what’s going on between us. Am I attracted to him? Of course. Do I think he’s attracted to me? Yes. But do I want anything to happen…
I don’t know.
Thelonelypart of me says yes. Thedetermined to live life my waypart says no. The last thing I need when I’m so close to my goal of becoming a pediatrician is a man to come in and think he can control me or my choices. And Max definitely seems like the type of man who’d want his partner to do things his way.
I find my way over to Dogwood Cove. This town charmed me when I lived on the island before, and it still does. If anything, I feel like I’m seeing it with new eyes, not held back by Thad. He never wanted to wander and explore, go in and out of small stores and see what treasures were around. But today, I can do just that. Heck, maybe I’ll even peruse the rentals here and find somewhere cute to live.
I buy coffee and an apple nut muffin from The Nutty Muffin and take a seat at an empty table outside. Every time I was here in the past they’d been sold out of their signature muffins, so to get one today feels like an auspicious sign. The woman who rings it up proclaims them orgasmic, and as soon as I take a bite, the moan that escapes my mouth tells me she wasn’t lying.
“They’re really freaking good, aren’t they?” I glance up to see a pretty brunette smiling at me as she gathers plates from the table next to me.
My mouth is full, so all I can do is nod until I swallow. “Seriously, I didn’t believe her when she said orgasmic, but embarrassing as this is to admit, that was the most action I’ve had in a while.” The brunette laughs, her blue eyes shining. She’s familiar, somehow. “I’m sorry, I haven’t lived on the island for a few years. Have we met? I feel like you’re familiar but I can’t figure it out.”
