Page 20 of Hate To Want You
Max starts to pace, only a few steps in each direction, thanks to the small alcove we’re in.
“Twelve years ago, Thad Marshall got behind the wheel drunk and crashed his car into my father’s. Landed him in hospital with a brain bleed, multiple fractures to his leg, and a ruptured spleen. He was in the ICU for two weeks, hospital for another two weeks, and then rehab for a month.”
My heart starts to pound so loudly, it’s as if I can hear it. Can he? I remember this incident, but not the way he’s saying it.
“Any decent person would show remorse, right? Take responsibility for almost killing a man? But not your Thad.” Max snorts with derision. I want to interrupt and tell him he’s notmy Thad,but this isn’t the time. “He lawyered right up and managed to skate by on a technicality. A fuckingtechnicalitywhile my father faces lifelong repercussions of Thad’s decision to drive drunk. And you were with him through it all.”
“Hold on. What the hell do you mean I was with him?” I interrupt. “I can assure you; I was not. I remember Thad telling me he’d been in an accident a few monthsbeforewe even started dating, only because I asked about a scar on his arm.”
I stop and think back to the early days of my relationship with Thad. How he often had meetings and phone calls that he didn’t want to talk about. How he insisted I be the designated driver if we went out with friends. He said he wanted to be safe and blamed it on a low alcohol tolerance. But what if it was more like a license suspension — or worse? I don’t want to admit to the possibility I was so blind I didn’t know there was more to his story about hitting a pole from being too tired. But then again, I was so naive, so stupid when it came to Thad. I was so charmed by his good looks and sweet words, I didn’t realize I’d been in a controlling, borderline emotionally-abusive relationship for years until I’d almost lost everything that mattered to me.
With startling clarity, I realize Max’s story must be the truth. It explains his visceral reaction to seeing Thad the day of my going away luncheon. And if he assumed I knew about the accident, then of course, his pain and anger spread to include me, given his mistaken belief that I was a part of it all. I can even understand his confusion over my grandmother’s ring. God, he must have thought me being married to Thad and being back in town meant Thad was back as well. No wonder he spiraled.
I don’t like it, but I can understand it.
“Max, I can assure you, I had no idea about the circumstances of the accident. I know that makes me sound naive, or oblivious, but I truly didn’t. Thad —” I pause and suck in a deep breath “— Thad was really good at fooling me. He was a master manipulator and knew exactly what to say and do to make me blindly follow his lead. I’m not proud of how long I was with him, or how long it took for me to fully recognize how toxic things were with him. I don’t doubt for a second that he pulled that kind of move and got out of taking responsibility for the accident.”
This is where I get stuck. I suspect Max wants me to apologize, but for what? How can I possibly apologize for something I had no idea even happened, much less had any involvement?
But this feels like the opportunity for Max and me to start over with a clean slate. With no more demons or baggage between us. And part of that is acknowledging not just my own pain and frustration but his as well.
“I’m sorry your family went through that. I’m sorry your father was injured, and that you all had to deal with the stress and anguish we see families fighting every day. But…” I choose my next words carefully. “Any regret I have over my relationship with Thad is for me and me alone. I can’t apologize for being with him ten years ago, or even twelve years ago after the accident happened. I had nothing to do with any of that. Me being with Thad had nothing to do with what he did to your family. I hope you can see that.” I suck in a deep breath. “And stop giving me shit for something that was not about me in the first place.”
The bustling sounds and activity of the hospital carry on around us, but it’s as if time has suspended right here in this corner of the hallway. Max is staring at the ground, giving me no read on his reaction to everything I’ve just said. Internally, I start to squirm. Part of me wants to keep going, to apologize more profusely, to try and fix something that I never broke in the first place. The old Heidi, the one that let Thad pull the wool over her eyes, probably would do just that. But not anymore.
I’ve owned my piece, now to see if Max can own his. I let my eyes shut as I take several deep, calming breaths. No matter what he says or does after today, I’ve done what I can to fill the void between us. I’ve explained my truth.
“Heidi, I’m sorry,” he says it so quietly, I almost miss it. But when I open my eyes, he’s looking at me, and the haze of anger and criticism with which he normally looks at me has lifted. There’s clarity and remorse there instead. “I misjudged you.” He shakes his head, his brow furrowing. “No, that’s not right. I didn’t misjudge you. I made an assumption based on nothing but my own rage. And worse, I let that assumption affect my role as a physician and as a mentor. I have been unfair to you since the day you started, for a completely untrue reason, and I’m sorry. You deserve better, and if you want to go to Clarence and request a different supervisor, I would support you in that.”
This moment feels pivotal. As if I’m on a tightrope and what I say will determine my future in more ways than one. The air between us is vibrating with indescribable emotions and energy. Whatever anger I held toward him dissipated the moment he explained himself. As Skye would say, men are idiots. This is a supreme idiot moment for Max, but I wouldn’t be who I am if I didn’t admit I understood where he was coming from. He screwed up, and he’s owning it. The least I can do is give him a second chance. Now that he knows the truth and has acknowledged the errors in his judgment, I know Max will respect me, not just as a doctor, but as a person. I could rage about the injustice of needing to explain myself the way I did, I could hold onto a self-righteous anger that he misjudged me in the first place, but that won’t accomplish anything.
“I don’t want a different supervisor. I want the head of the department. I want the doctor who can help me become the best doctor I can. I can let go of whatever misunderstandings we had if you can. I just want you to see me as the capable resident I am.”
I hold my breath, waiting to see how he’ll respond. When he does, those deep blue eyes are staring straight at me, wide open, transparent, and full of honesty. We’ve laid bare our wounds, our barriers, anything that was between us. And what he says next proves that.
“I do see you. I see all of you.”
Chapter ten
Max
A few weeks ago, I would have gladly passed off responsibility for Heidi’s residency to someone else. But that was before she said she didn’t want anyone else.
She wants me.
Even after I was reprehensible in my treatment of her, and even after finding out why — the truth being that I misjudged her entirely — she still wants to work with me.
Professionally, I’m flattered. Personally, I’m humbled.
Her grace and forgiveness are astounding. I’m not entirely sure I could be the same way were the roles reversed. Could I forgive someone so quickly for treating me like shit, simply because of an assumption they made about me and my personal life?
When I break down the tangled mess that existed between us to that simple explanation, it’s embarrassing. I pride myself on having a sound mind and an ability to judge a situation fairly, yet I did the exact opposite of that with Heidi.
I’ve had all of yesterday away from the hospital to process our conversation and untangle my feelings when it comes to Heidi. And while clarity has been reached in so many ways, a new layer of complication has been added.
Because now that I know the truth, that she had nothing to do with Thad and what he did to my family, I’m forced to face another uncomfortable realization.
Heidi is beautiful, just as beautiful as always. She has a girl-next-door softness that belies her inner strength. And now that her beauty is no longer tainted by my incorrect assumptions about her, my thoughts about her have gone down an entirely different path. An entirely inappropriate path, given my role as her supervisor.
