Page 66 of Hate To Want You
I nod quickly and out of the corner of my eye I see Max do the same. I expected as much, and he’s not wrong. That is what we should have done right from the start, but I wanted so badly to remain working with Max, to learn from him, that I ignored my conscience.
“I won’t go to the university with this,” Clarence continues, this time directing his sharp look at me, “purely based on your performance thus far and based on the professional respect I have for you, Dr. Morgan, dating back to your nursing years. As Dr. Donnelly said, you are an exemplary physician. That is evident to anyone who has worked with you. A stain on your record would do a disservice to many. And since there have been no reports of your relationship affecting your work, I am willing to overlook this.”
“Thank you, sir,” I say on a shaky exhale. I’m fully aware I just dodged a major bullet. Hospital policy or not, when Max and I started dating, we should have come to Clarence and had me reassigned. I don’t know why we ever thought it would be okay for him to continue supervising me and sleeping with me at the same time.
“However, as I said, I would like to move on from that topic and get back to the more important issue. The transplant team referral.”
I suck in a breath and sense Max’s entire body tightening as well.
“Had you gone ahead and filed the paperwork, Dr. Donnelly, this would be a very different conversation. The fact that you came to your senses and didnotfile a falsified application is the only thing saving you from a formal reprimand. Or worse.” Clarence pauses, leaning forward. “You understand what I’m saying? This could have gone very poorly had you gone down the path you started. I’m shocked and disappointed in you. I don’t know what got in your head to make you ever think falsifying patient reports would be a good idea, but I’m telling you once, and once only. Figure it out, and don’t ever let yourself go down that track again.”
Max nods stiffly. “Understood. It won’t happen again, I promise. It was a moment of weakness, brought on by multiple stressors. I will not let things get so out of hand again.”
Clarence’s eyes bounce over to me, then back to Max. “I trust you can determine what those stressors were and avoid them in the future.”
“Yes.”
Oh God. I’m one of those stressors. I know it. Being with me is what triggered the nightmares, the memories of his father’s accident, and Cara’s betrayal.
Clarence pushes back from the table and stands, but I’m frozen where I am. “Right. Well, I’ll give you two a few minutes to collect yourselves. In the meantime, I’ll work on having Heidi reassigned to Dr. Sloan. Might I suggest the two of you not let it come to light how long your relationship has been going on? I’m not at liberty to ask you to lie, but I trust you understand me when I suggest that it would go over better with your colleagues if they believed this to be a newer development.”
“Understood,” Max says stiffly. “Thank you, Clarence, and again, I’m sorry for my transgressions.”
Clarence nods briefly. “It’s over and done now. Let’s move forward.”
He walks out of the room, and the snick of the door closing behind him echoes in the heavy silence.
I don’t know what to say. How to act.
“I’m so sorry,” Max starts quietly, and those three words make it impossible for me not to touch him. I cover his hand in mine. His head darts up and again, there’s that hope I saw earlier in his eyes. “Heidi, truly, I don’t know how I’ll ever show you just how sorry I am. The things I said, the way I acted. It was horrible. Shit, no, it was worse than horrible. It was cruel, and wrong, and the worst possible way I could’ve handled things.”
“Max,” I start, but he shakes his head.
“No. Let me say this, please. Because I know your beautiful heart wants to tell me it’s okay and that you understand, but I can’t move forward unless I get this out. You deserve better than me, but if it’s me you decide to give a second chance, I need to earn it.”
It’s my turn to hold up my hand to interrupt. I know Max is determined to earn my forgiveness. And in my heart, I’ve essentially already given it to him. That doesn’t change the fact I was likely a large part of the reason Max was under so much pressure.
“But you heard Clarence. He had a good point. You did what you did as a reaction to the stress in your life; stress that includes your relationship with me and all the baggage I bring.”
Max grabs both of my hands in his. “No, sweetheart, no. You are not the cause of any of this. You’ve made me feel safe and capable of opening my heart to someone for the first time in a really long time. I can’t begin to describe how much that means to me. The only stress being with you caused me was my own worry. Worry that being with me would somehow screw things up for you.” He lets out a harsh, self-deprecating laugh. “And look how well I managed that. Fuck. I almostdidscrew everything up for you.” He shakes his head and looks back at me. “Our relationship makes me stronger. Better. It was your voice, telling me what I was doing was wrong, that got through the fog in my head.”
“I thought you said it was your brothers,” I say on a shaky laugh.
His answering smile is more relaxed and open. “It was both. They’re the ones who smacked me upside the head and told me to listen toyou. To trust and respect you, and what we have together.”
“Smart brothers.”
He half chuckles, half groans. “I hope you won’t mind if I donottell them you said that. Otherwise, the next time they see you, it’ll be all they can focus on. Especially Sawyer.”
A giggle escapes me. “That’s fine.”
Max’s tone sobers. “I know I’ve got a lot of work to do. I need to find a therapist to help me deal with how I process grief and loss. It’s not going to be easy, but it would be easier with you by my side. So, I’m really hoping you’ll give me a chance to win you back.”
“You don’t need one. I’m not going anywhere. When I said I love you, I meant it.”
His lips are on mine before I can take another breath, and everything in my world turns right side up again. A happy sense of rightness settles in my soul, and all the rips and holes in my heart begin to mend.
Chapter thirty
