Page 63 of Hate To Want You
I run my hand through my hair. He’s right, I carefully didn’t fill in any of the identifying information yet. Still, I feel exposed, raw, and I don’t like it.
“Are we going to hike or not?” I grind out, opening my front door.
One by one, my brothers file out. It’s Jude who stops, giving me a penetrating stare. “What are you doing, brother?”
I exhale slowly, closing my eyes against his inquisition. “I’ll tell you about it on the trail.”
Half an hour later, we all climb out of Sawyer’s truck. I can’t imagine ever living somewhere without nature within easy access. Just the sound of the wind rustling the trees has my stress level lowering. Not a lot, but it’s a start.
After a brief discussion of which trail to take, we set off. To give them credit, my brothers don’t instantly start interrogating me. Instead, the conversation turns to Jude’s season, how well his team is playing, and their chances of going to the playoffs. He’s not a superstitious guy, which is weird for a hockey player, so he’s open and honest about how things are going.
“What about your head? All clear from the latest concussion?” I ask, earning a sharp look from Jude.
“Yeah. Of course. I wouldn’t be on the ice if I wasn’t.”
“Just be careful, man.”
He nods and silence falls again. I know I’m lucky to be friends with my brothers. There’s no competition, no animosity. Don’t get me wrong, as teens we were often beating each other up in the backyard, but there’s no bad feelings between us, no matter the different paths we’ve all taken. As we hike, I realize this was exactly what I needed. Out here, far away from the hospital and Heidi, I feel like I can take a full breath for the first time in a week.
We hit the first summit of the trail, a viewpoint that overlooks the waterfall we plan on reaching the top of.
“Break?” Sawyer asks, sinking down on the bench and stretching his legs out. “Hiking with you bastards after a busy set is kicking my ass.” He yawns, his head falling back.
“Anything serious?” Beckett asks him, sitting down beside his twin, pulling out his water bottle, and drinking deeply.
“Nah,” Sawyer replies, folding his hands behind his head. “Just a lot of calls, that’s all. But today isn’t about me.” He twists at the waist to look at me. “Maxy boy is in the hot seat.”
I walk over to the edge of the lookout and lean against the railing, staring at the water that cascades over rocks, the same way it has for centuries. It’s constant, never-ending, and there’s something soothing about that.
It makes me think of Heidi. Of the calm she brought to me, the way I knew in a deep part of my soul that she would be constant in my life. At least, I thought she would be.
Pushing off the railing, I turn to my brothers.
“I fucked up.”
“We already figured that part out,” Sawyer remarks. “Tell us how.”
Ignoring his snark, I do just that. I tell them everything, leaving out only the details about Carson that would identify him in any way. It’s almost ironic; here I am, worried about maintaining the rules of patient confidentiality while also flouting the rules by falsifying reports to get him on the transplant list.
When I finish, there’s silence for several minutes before all three of my brothers start shouting at once.
“You’re a fucking idiot. I though you were the smart one.”
“What the hell, Max.”
“You broke her heart, bro.”
It’s Beckett’s comment about Heidi that sinks in the deepest. “I know. I know, all of you are right, I know. That’s why I haven’t submitted the paperwork yet. You saw it sitting on my counter, it’s been there for days.”
“That’s good, man. That means you can fix this,” Beckett says quietly. “Don’t submit it. Rip it up, as if you never started down this path in the first place.”
I nod, knowing that’s exactly what I’ll do when I get home. “I can fix that part of it. But can I fix things with Heidi?”
“That depends. Why the fuck did you push her away when she was trying to get you to see reason?”
Jude’s gruff voice is surprisingly free of judgment. Nonetheless, I keep my eyes focused on the ground in front of me.
“Honestly? I don’t know. I was consumed by the need to save this kid.”
