Page 29 of Hate To Want You
Max’s hand lands on my leg, startling me. I look up to see compassion and sympathy etched into his features. My voice takes on a hoarse quality, and I’m not surprised to feel tears burning my eyes. Thinking of the profound impact this one girl had on my entire life always gets me emotional.
“She’s the one who pulled the wool off my eyes about my relationship with Thad. In her blunt, unassuming, filter-free teenage way, she pointed out that he was holding me back, controlling my entire life, and that I was miserable as a result.”
The hand on my leg tightens imperceptibly.
“As soon as she pointed it out, I could see it all so clearly. How he slowly and systematically built up his authority over my entire life, leaving me no choice but to go along with his move to Vancouver. He promised me a future, a pretty picture that I should have known he’d never deliver on. But somehow, I got wrapped up in the lies, thinking if you love someone, then that is what you do — you follow them, no matter if you want to or not. I had mentioned wanting to go to med school to him a couple of times, but he always had a reason why I shouldn’t do it. Not enough time, not enough money, whatever. Yet, there I was, encouraging him to go for a promotion at work, to take all the out-of-town trips he needed, and hosting all the dinner parties he wanted. I wasn’t his partner. I was just, heck, I don’t know. I’m not hot enough to be arm candy or a trophy, so maybe I was just a tool.”
“Don’t say that.” His growl interrupts me.
“What?”
“Don’t call yourself a trophy or a tool. Any man would be lucky as hell to have you by his side. And you deserve to be a partner. More than that, even. You already know how I feel about your ex. But I’ll add this. He’s even more of a fucker if he couldn’t see that.”
My heart beats faster in my chest. We’re crossing lines with this conversation. And once we go over them, I don’t know if we can go back.
That thought, along with my promise to Molly, brings my focus to where it should be.
“Thank you,” I say softly. Then, even though I desperately want to keep his hand on my leg, I pull away, needing some space. “Anyway, once I ditched Thad, Molly pushed me to submit my med school application. I got my acceptance letter two days before she died.”
The filtered sounds of the hospital at night are the only noise I hear when I stop talking. Max’s head is bowed slightly, his gaze fixed on his hands.
We’ve both bared a piece of our souls tonight. And I’m slightly terrified how that might change things. I can’t let Max get too close. I can’t lose myself to a man again.
I won’t.
My eyes are so dry, they’re stuck to the inside of my eyelids. It’s a struggle to blink them open, but the incessant vibrating of my watch on my wrist is driving me insane. And I’m hot, like majorly overheated, as if I’ve been under a weighted electric blanket all night.
Okay, that part actually feels kind of good.
I shift my head slightly, then freeze. There’s a strong arm banded around my middle, a leg tangled between mine, and warm breath tickling the back of my neck.
Oh, shit.
As gingerly as possible, I start to move my legs away from Max’s, sliding my upper body away from the heat of his solid wall of muscle at my back. But I don’t get far before his arm tightens, and he pulls me back flush against him.
His lips find my neck and he nuzzles me.
Nuzzlesme.
He’s got to be sleeping still, right? There’s no freaking way Max would let this happen if he were awake. I close my eyes and let my body soften into his embrace. Those lines I was so worried about crossing earlier have clearly been destroyed. Besides, it’s been so long since a man held me like this. I don’t even remember when Thad last did, if ever.
If I pretend he’s anyone but my boss, then there’s no harm in taking just a second to enjoy this, is there? He won’t remember a thing as long as I get out before he wakes up.
“Heidi.” A whispered rumble against my skin causes goosebumps to break out. His hand grips me tighter, then, I feel him stiffen behind me.
“Shit.” Max pulls away and sits up abruptly. “Fuck, I’m sorry. God, I can’t believe I did that. Heidi, I’m so sorry.” I roll over and sit up in one movement, so I’m facing him.
“It’s fine. Nothing happened. We fell asleep, it’s a small bed, our bodies touched. All good.”
All I can do is pray he doesn’t remember kissing my neck or whispering my name. Because the guilt he is clearly experiencing is written all over his handsome face. And it’s making me feel a little uncomfortable for enjoying that split second of intimacy with him — even if he was unaware of it.
“We should go and check on Teagan. My alarm went off a couple of minutes ago.”
He scrubs a hand over his face, then checks his own watch. “Right. Yeah, let’s go.”
We stand up, and I stretch my arms overhead to ease the kinks in my back that are normally there after sleeping on the notoriously uncomfortable on-call beds. But there are no kinks. No soreness or stiffness.
Because, of course not. Of course, sleeping withMaxmakes even the thin, rock-hard mattresses of these beds feel like a luxurious cloud.
