Page 25 of Seductive Swimmer
We sit there on the cold concrete floor of the shelter for a long time until Savannah lets out an audible sigh.
“We should go.”
Her voice is laced with sadness, and I suddenly realize how difficult it must be to leave here every day without Molly.
“Why haven’t you taken her home?”
The instant I ask the question, I see Savannah shut down. I’m not sure why, but clearly the subject of adopting Molly is a sore one.
“I will soon.”
Her answer is evasive, and I can’t figure out why, but decide not to push it for now. She’s slowly opening up to me, and I hope in time she’ll let me in all the way.
We say our goodbyes to Carlene and slowly walk back to Savannah’s apartment building. I’ve lost the entire day of work, my phone is blowing up with messages and emails, and I couldn’t care less. Brayden accepted my message that I wouldn’t be at the office today without argument, but I’m sure I’ll have some explaining to do tomorrow. The truth is, spending this time with Savannah has been far more rewarding than I ever expected.
When we reach her apartment, I walk her up to her door. I don’t expect anything from her, so when she leans in and presses a soft kiss to my cheek, I accept it greedily. She lifts her lips slightly and hovers there, so close that the air from her breath lands on my cheek. I take a chance and turn my head slightly. Her answering moan is exactly what I hoped to hear as I close the distance between us and cover her lips with mine.
This kiss is different from our first. We’ve shared pieces of ourselves today, and that’s added to our connection. Instead of a single thread of lust joining us, it’s more. There’s respect, understanding, and — dare I say — friendship between us now. It makes this kiss all the more intimate.
I force myself to keep this kiss chaste, determined to let her lead things between us. She’s still not certain about us, and I no longer want to push her. My instincts prove correct when Savannah takes a step back. But her hand stays on my chest, keeping us connected. I lift one of my own from her hips to cover her hand, holding it to my body so she can feel my heart thumping.
“Thank you for today,” I say. It comes out in a raspy voice, and even I can hear the desire in it. From the way Savannah’s eyes flare wide, so can she. Not wanting her to feel trapped, I drop my hands and place them in my pockets.
“I…I’m glad you came.” Her stammer is adorable, as is the flush creeping over her cheeks.
“I am too,” I murmur. And it’s true. Today was a day unlike any other. Easy, relaxed, fun. Suddenly the weight of how today has changed things between us comes crashing down on me, leaving me feeling exposed and vulnerable. What am I doing with her? I have no intention of pursuing a true relationship with her, do I? No. I can’t. So what the fuck am I doing, spending the day with her and kissing her like this? I take another step back, hoping my rising panic doesn’t show on my face.
“Right, well, I’ll be going then. Have a nice evening, Savannah. I’ll be in touch soon.”
I turn and jog down the stairs away from her, battling with myself to not turn around and look at her. My head is a mess, and I walk blindly down the sidewalk without a clue as to where I’m headed. I hear people curse at me as I push through, running from the sensation that I’m being chased by something, but not sure what. All I know is that my chest is tight, my heart is pounding, and I have to get away. Away from Savannah, away from these feelings that are brewing. Away from…all of it.
I somehow manage to get home, on autopilot I suppose, and quickly go up to my apartment. Once inside, I strip off my clothes and step into the hottest shower I can handle. The water is like needles against my skin, but I let it fall on me in a vain attempt to wash away my confusion. Images of my father, my mother, and of all the women I’ve slept with, they swim together in my mind, serving as a brutal reminder of who I am.
I don’t believe in love. Or at least, I don’t believe in it for myself. Having grown up with a father who at best ignored me and my mother, and at worst destroyed us with his words and actions, I have spent my adult life firmly believing that I have no business looking for anything beyond a casual fuck with a woman. How could I possibly expect anything more from someone when I know that I have no concept of what makes for a healthy, loving relationship? It wasn’t until Brayden met his wife Lorelai in college that I saw the potential for two people to be partners in love and life. But even that hasn’t been enough to convince me to ever try it for myself. No one, no one until Savannah, has ever tempted me to change my mind on that. Yet this one woman, in a matter of weeks, has me so spun around, so mixed up that I don’t know what I want or what I believe.
And I have no fucking clue what to do about it all.
