Page 35 of Requiem
“I am,” I say, my voice surprisingly steady.
“I thought he was going to do it,” Micah mutters, holding a tissue to his split lip. His eyes are red, like he was out here crying. “I thought I was about to watch my best friend splatter his fucking brains all over the wall.” Fresh tears form in his eyes after saying it out loud.
I swallow past the lump in my throat. “I did, too.”
“He let you sit on the bed. That’s progress,” Heather adds kindly. “He seems more present. Which is better than when he saw you the other night, when he didn't even really remember you.”
“Yeah,” I sigh, dragging a hand through my hair as I try to sort my thoughts. “It’s…it’s conditioning,” I say quietly. “Not memory loss. Not really. He stillknowswho I am. He remembers me. But whatever Alexei did…he rewired the way his brain reacts to me.” I clear my throat. “If I was used during the torture—my face, my voice, anything that reminded him ofme—then his body doesn’t register me assafeanymore. It registers me as something thathurts.”
I shake my head, trying to make sense of it.
“So now it’s all crossed,” I continue, my voice softer. “The memories are still there, but the feelings attached to them aren’tright. Love doesn’t feel like love to him right now. It feels like panic. Or pain. Or…nothing at all.” My chest tightens. “And the only way to fix that is to slowly teach his brain something different. Over and over again. Until it stops expecting the pain associated with his punishment when he sees me.”
“Hopefully, he will,” Micah says, pulling me into a hug. “We just have to keep on him.”
“Slow counter-conditioning,” Rafe adds. “I told you before this won’t be easy. I’ve watched people lose their minds and not come back at all. I do think that this—” he nods toward Jude’s door. “—is salvageable, though.”
I draw in a shaky breath, my eyes burning. “I have to believe…” My voice falters, and I swallow hard before forcing the words out. “I have to believe that loving him the way I did mattered…” My vision blurs completely. “Even if I’m the only one left remembering how it felt.”
Chapter ten
MICAH PRESCOTT
I don’t fucking breathe while she’s in there. I tell myself I am. My chest moves, and air seems to go in, then out. But it doesn’t feel like breathing. I'm just waiting to see if anything goes wrong on the other side of that door. Considering he almost just fucking shot himself.
My best friend.
Rafe is standing near the door, gun at the ready, watching our reactions in the event he has to bust back in. Heather is beside me, arms folded tight across her chest, her eyes locked on the monitor. She got me a tissue and assessed my lip after Jude nearly knocked me the fuck out. Now, none of us says anything as Emma approaches Jude.
My gaze flicks between the live feed and the closed door ten feet away, like I can somehow be in both places at once.
Control.
That’s what Rafe said this was about.
Controlledexposure.Controlledcontact.Controlledfucking everything.
Yeah. Sure. Fucking hell.
Feels like I’m standing here watching a bomb and hoping it doesn’t decide to go off and kill Emma. Even if she’s wildly determined to pull Jude back from the edge. He could snap her fucking neck. I’ve watched him do that before, and I was horrified to know just easy and fast it was to take a life that way.
On the screen, Emma steps closer to the bed, slow and careful as if she’s approaching a wild animal. One that could turn on her in a second.
My jaw tightens.
“He’s watching her,” Heather murmurs under her breath.“Reallyclosely.”
“I see that,” I mutter back, my eyes narrowing.
Jude’s gaze is locked onto Emma, tracking every movement she makes. There’s something off about it. How thefuckdid Alexei manage to break him this badly? How the hell did he make Jude feel so uncomfortable around the only woman he’s ever loved? This man used to cry about her to me late at night after our shows, or when Adriana left our hotel after she got what she wanted from him.
I can’t help but anxiously chew my nail. Come on, man. Just…hold onto control.
Emma says something. I can’t hear it from here, but I see that she’s being calm. For a second, nothing happens. Then Jude flinches. And my entire body tenses.
“Fuck,” I breathe, already shifting forward.
Heather’s hand shoots out, gripping my forearm. “Wait.”
