Page 158 of Requiem
“Em?” His voice is careful, like he’s afraid of startling me lately. He’s been so careful with me, refraining from even touching me.
I wipe beneath my eyes, embarrassed for some reason even though he’s seen me cry a hundred times before. “I’m okay.”
He knows I’m lying. He kneels beside the bed, resting his forearms against the mattress beside me while searching my face with tired eyes that still look haunted. “You’re hurting,” he says quietly.
A shaky breath leaves me. “What if you never left all those years ago?”
His throat works as his eyes study my face. “I can’t think about that. It will fucking kill me, Em.”
I bite my trembling lip. I know he’s broken, but I’m broken, too. “I hated hearing everything that was done to you.”
Pain flickers sharply across his face before he lowers his gaze toward the blankets between us. For a second, neither of us says anything. “I’m sorry,” he whispers suddenly.
My brows pull together. “Why would you apologize to me?”
He lets out a hollow laugh that doesn’t sound like him at all. “Take your pick.”
“Jude.”
His jaw locks hard. “You heard everything today,” he says softly, refusing to look at me now. “What they did to me. What I became because of it.” His throat bobs visibly. “And maybe right now you still think we can survive this, but eventually…”
The pause has my heart pounding against my ribs. “Eventually what?” I whisper.
His eyes lift toward mine then, and the fear inside them is so raw it physically aches to witness. “You’re going to realize we’re not the same people anymore.”
The words hit me like a punch. “No.”
“I’m serious, Emma.” His voice cracks now. “After Moscow…after Alexei…after everything that happened…” He drags a hand shakily back through his damp hair. “I don’t even know who the fuck I am half the time. And your light has been dimmed.” He pauses, jabbing a thumb against his chest. “I did that. I can’t fucking forgive myself for it.”
Tears sting my eyes.
He laughs again quietly, but there’s something awful underneath it now. “And after hearing all of that in court today?” He swallows hard. “If you need space from me after this…I’ll give it to you.”
My stomach drops. “What?”
“I mean it.” His voice grows softer. “If seeing me hurts you now, or if hearing about Henrik or any of the other shit changed something for you…” He exhales shakily through his nose. “I’ll wait for you.Yearsif I have to.”
Oh my god.
The devastation in his voice tears straight through me. “Jude—”
He stands, shoving his hands through his hair. “Nothing has felt the same since I almost lost you. I—I love you.”
All of that shatters my soul. Because hemeansit. He genuinely believes loving me means preparing himself for the possibility that I won’t be able to love him back after this.
“Everything is different between us,” he breathes, almost sounding out of breath.
I cross my arms, feeling nauseous. “Do you not think that…that we’ll work now?”
He’s silent for several beats, and I have to place my hand on the mattress to steady myself. With effort, I stand on shaky legs and take a step toward him.
“How fuckingdareyou?” My voice trembles with anger, and his gaze snaps up to mine. “I’ve loved you since you left meyearsago. I never stopped.No onewas good enough for me. No one was gentle with me the way you were.” Tears are spilling down my cheeks now. “You areeverythingto me, Jude. You always were and you always will.” I take his face in my hands, seeing the pain in his expression. “I’m processing all of this, too. I’m sorry if I’m…withdrawing. I don’t mean to.”
“I’m scared.”
His confession is a blow to my chest. I brush my thumbs over his cheekbones, swiping a few tears away. “I am, too.”
Before he can say another word, I pull his head down and kiss him hard enough to interrupt the spiral completely. He makes a startled sound against my mouth, then immediately melts into me.
