Page 98 of Requiem
I step closer, and he notices immediately. His eyes lift to mine, and he steps back into the railing. “Hey,” I say softly.
His throat works when he swallows. “Hey.”
It comes out quiet. And all I can think of right now is that…this is how I’d approach a feral animal. One that knew it lashed out and was now scared of what someone might do to it.
I study him, and I feel that strange pull in my chest where relief and worry overlap until I can’t tell them apart anymore. “It’s okay, you know,” I say.
He huffs, but there’s no amusement in it. “Yeah.”
There’s a beat of silence between us where neither of us knows what to say.
Jude’s gaze flickers away for a second, out toward the trees. “I shouldn’t have done that,” he says quietly.
My heart hurts immediately. “Jude—”
“I almost—” His jaw flexes when he stops himself. When he starts again, it’s slower. “I almost lost it. Again.” His shoulders twitch when he says it.
“You didn’t lose it,” I say.
His eyes snap back to mine at that, skeptical. “Ishovedyou,” he says flatly.
“I know.”
A beat.
“I hurt you.” He nods toward my elbow, where I scraped it when I caught myself.
My throat constricts, but I don’t look away from him. “You stopped.”
His expression falters. “I don’t care.”
I take a slow breath as I watch snow catch in his hair. A few flakes cling to his thick lashes before melting into nothing.
“I don’t trust myself,” he says finally.
“I know.”
He looks away, like he’s ashamed of this conversation. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get better, Emma.”
I have to bite my lower lip to keep it from trembling. I want to cry. I try to speak, but my throat aches. So instead of saying anything, I reach for him, my hands hovering above his wrists, watching his reaction.
He doesn’t flinch, but he watches me. So I take his hands, and wince when I find his skin colder than I expect. His breath stutters just slightly, as if holding back a small sob, gaze dropping to where I’m holding him.
I gently tighten my grip, and he sniffs like he’s trying not to cry. His gaze is locked on the ground between us. “You don’t have to disappear to protect us,” I say softly. “Please don’t ever recommend killing yourself again, Jude.” My eyes fill with tears. “I wouldn’t survive if anything happened to you, okay? Please.”
His throat moves. “I’m not disappearing,” he says, but it doesn’t fully convince either of us. His voice is rough when he speaks again. “I’m still sleeping in the basement tonight.”
I nod immediately. “Okay,” I say. I don’t want to push him into anything that makes him uncomfortable. Everything is athispace.
His brows draw together slightly. “Okay?”
“Yes,” I repeat. “Okay.”
He shifts on his weight, leaning against the snow-covered wooden railing. He doesn’t seem to care that the moisture is sinking into his sleeve.
“But come upstairs after dinner,” I add. “Come talk to me. Not about Alexei, or the plan. We don’t have to talk about anything that’s happened, okay? I just…want you with me for a while.”
His eyes search mine again, quieter now.
