Page 9 of Requiem
I start walking. I don’t remember deciding to, really. My body just moves, shoes crunching softly over the thin layer of snow. It’s colder the farther I go from the house. Or maybe it's just the icy feeling of fucking dread is now pouring over the brim. My hands curl into fists at my sides, my jaw tight, pressure building in my chest that I can’t keep down much longer.
By the time I reach the tree line, it’s already breaking.
I barely make it to the nearest tree before my legs give out. My shoulder hits the trunk hard, bark scraping through my shirt as I brace myself, one hand coming up to grip it like it’s the only thing that can keep me standing.
And then it’s over. Everything…caves. A raw, broken sound rips out of me, and I fold into it, my forehead pressing against the freezing bark as my body shakes.
“Fuck—”My voice cracks, dissolving into something I don’t even recognize.
I’m crying.
It tears out of me in waves, my chest heaving, breaths hitching so hard it feels like my lungs are collapsing in on themselves. My grip tightens on the tree as it all hits at once.
Jude.
Fuck.
I squeeze my eyes shut, but it doesn’t help. I can still see how he was moving, almost like a goddamn zombie jerking around. And how he was looking at that stupid fucking mask.
My stomach twists violently. “He’s gone,” I choke out, the words breaking apart as soon as they leave my mouth. “He’s fucking—”
I can’t even say it. Ican’t.
Because if I say it again, it’s real. And I’m not fucking ready for that.
I suck in a breath that’s freezing all the way down, my head dropping forward as I press harder into the tree.
“I love you,” I whisper, my voice barely there, swallowed by the night. Ithurts. It hurts in a way I don’t have words for. My chest is shattering open and pouring my soul out onto the fucking ground. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to bring him back.
And fuck, what if we can’t? What if that’s it? What if the version of him I know—
A memory slams into me so hard it knocks my breath away.
Lights flashing, bass vibrating through the floor, loud music, and heat. We’re packed into a club in Miami, bodies everywhere, the air thick with sweat and alcohol, people barely dressed, shouting over the music. We just got off stage hours ago, riding the high of it, adrenaline still buzzing through us.
Jude is in front of me, grinning like an idiot, hair damp, shirt half unbuttoned, a drink sloshing in his hand as he grabs my shoulder and yanks me into him.
“Dude, we fuckingkilledit!” he shouts, his voice barely audible over the music. “That’s the most people I’ve ever seen.”
I’m laughing, shoving him back, but he doesn’t let go. He just spins, dragging me with him, both of us moving like we don’t give a shit who’s watching.
Kami is somewhere behind us, dancing on a table, Finnick trying and failing to keep his balance next to her, all of them a mess, all of us happy and free.
The good days.
The memory fractures, and cold slams back into me like a brutal ocean wave. My chest seizes, and another sob tears out of me. I’ll collapse if I let go of the tree.
I force in another breath, but it breaks apart as my shoulders shake again. Emma can’t see me falling apart. It will destroy her. And she’s barely holding on as it is, especially after he triedkillingher. I press my forehead harder into the tree, eyes squeezed shut, trying to get control of myself and shove all of this back down where it belongs. But it doesn’t go. It just sits there, demanding to be felt.
My fingers dig into the bark, desperate to ground myself. “I’ve got you.”
Even if I have to break myself trying.
My grip on the tree finally loosens. Slowly, though, since I’m not entirely sure I can hold myself up yet. My fingers are numb, but that doesn’t even bother me right now. I wipe the back of my hand across my face, smearing away tears that won’t stop, my chest still heaving as I try to force my breathing to chill the fuck out.
Get it together.
I finally have enough strength to straighten. The cold has sunk deep through my clothes, but I welcome it. When I go to push off the tree, I freeze when I see a silhouette just beyond the edge of the porch. Her arms are wrapped tight around herself against the cold. Snow drifts down, catching in her hair, and melting against her skin.
