Page 63 of My Duke, The Stranger
“And I look at you… I remember the time we had and…” He clenched his jaw in a scowl. “To have never met you wouldhave been easier. But now that I have, to cut you out entirely, to convince myself that I hate you…” He looked away. “You will thank me one day, I promise you. The less you know me, the more you are kept from me, the safer you will be.”
“I don’t accept that.”
“I do not care what you don’t accept,” he said sharply. “And if you refuse to do as I tell you, I will make you. I will make you hate me so that you will want nothing to do with me.”
Isolde understood Cassian fully now.
Even before the accident, she knew who he had been and why. He was not the monster people always said. He was not the cruel, wicked duke who ought to be feared. Rather, he was scared of hurting those he loved, and he thought that to frighten them and keep them at arm’s length was the only way to survive.
How lonely he must have been…
Caring not for what he might do, Isolde stepped forward and took his hand. He started and tried to pull away, but she held it and then pulled it into her chest.
“You can try to frighten me, you can try to terrorize me, but it will make no difference, Cassian.” She looked at him, and even though he refused to meet her eyes, she did not look away. “But you are not alone. I am here for you and there is nothing you can do to change that.”
“I ought to hate you.”
“You ought to.”
“I… I ought to send you away.”
“You can try.”
“I… I…” Slowly he turned his head. First, he looked at his hand wrapped in her own and brought to her chest. Then, he looked up and found her eyes. The pain was still there, but there was hope too. Disbelief that she wanted to help him. “I need time, Isolde. Time to think about what I must do.”
“You have it,” she said to him. “We are married, remember. You have nothing but time.”
“And if I decide to do this,” he continued. “If I… if I ask you to leave. If I demand it…”
She breathed in deeply as her heart raced. “If the time comes when you make that decision, I will abide by it. But know that I do not want it. And know that even if you send me away, I will never blame you or hate you for it. You are not alone, Cassian. And the pain you feel… While you think it is a curse, I see it as a boon.”
“No…”
“It is,” she said. “Pain like that is what makes us human. More than that, it is what connects us. Everyone feels it. Everyone suffers from it. But it is what we do with the pain and the hurt that defines us. You made your choice once, but you have been given another chance. A chance to be a better man.”
Isolde spoke those words and she could see them taking effect.
And they weren’t just words that she felt that he needed to hear. They were the truth. Time and time again, Isolde had wondered how she truly felt about Cassian. Always, she was torn between the man he once was and the man he had become. And always, she was wrecked by guilt, believing that she took advantage of him so that anything she felt was a lie.
Now, she was finally starting to see the truth.
Her lie, while awful, had helped to save him. And no one needed saving more than Cassian. He was a good man; he could be that man, and she was there to make him believe it.
“I will leave you for now…” Slowly, she let go of his hand. “But Cassian, please remember what I said. I am not going anywhere, nor do I want to.”
He looked at her as if he did not understand what she was saying or why. “Why… why are you so good to me, Isolde? Why do you even care?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” she said.
“Not to me.”
She just smiled. “Think about it, and when you understand why, well, that might help you decide what to do. Good night, Cassian…” She took a step back. “I will see you soon.”
She turned and crossed the room, her heart racing as she went. She wanted so badly to stay with him, but she knew that now was not the time. It wasn’t just words that Cassian needed, but proof of concept so that he could see what it meant to care for another, and to be cared for in return.
And I think I know just how to do it…
When she reached the doorway, she turned back and saw him looking again at the portrait. He stood alone in the darkness, but he wasn’t alone, nor would he ever be again. And when he realized this, when he knew it for a fact, that was when he would finally begin to accept who he was.
