Page 115 of Certified to Handle You
I missed the way he laughed at his own jokes before I could even react, and I missed how he always found a way to make me smile even when I was tryin’ to stay mad at him. I missed the way he would be all on me for no reason, pullin’ me close, touchin’ me and remindin’ me that I was his without even havin’ to say it out loud.
And I missed the way it felt when it was just me and him, when everything slowed down and it didn’t feel like we was constantly fightin’ to understand each other.
I shifted again in the tub and sat up a little, rubbin’ my arms while I let those thoughts settle in instead of fightin’ them.
Fightin’ didn’t make the nights feel less empty, and it didn’t stop me from thinkin’ about him at the worst times, like when I was tryin’ to relax or when I should’ve been focused on somethin’ else. It didn’t change the fact that I still reached for him without even realizin’ it, only to catch myself halfway through and remember that he wasn’t here anymore.
I let out a breath and pushed myself up out the tub, with water slidin’ down my body while I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around me. I needed somethin’ stronger than just hot waterand music to calm my nerves, so I stepped out of the bathroom and made my way to the kitchen, not even dryin’ off all the way.
I grabbed a wine glass from the cabinet and pulled a bottle out without hesitatin’, pourin’ myself a drink at the counter. I took a sip before I even moved, lettin’ it sit for a second before swallowin’, and then I picked up the bottle and headed back to the bathroom.
By the time I slid back into the tub, the water had cooled just a little, but it still felt good against my skin. I leaned back again, settin’ the glass within reach, and took another sip while I stared up at the ceiling while the music kept playin’ in the background.
My phone sat on the edge of the tub with the screen dark, but I kept lookin’ at it anyway.
I told myself I wasn’t goin’ to touch it. I told myself it didn’t make sense, but after a minute, I reached for it anyway.
I held it in my hand for a second before unlockin’ it, my thumb hoverin’ over the screen while I thought about it. I had deleted Renza’s number, and got rid of it on purpose so I wouldn’t be tempted, but that didn’t mean anything when I already knew it by heart.
I started typin’ it in slow, pressin’ each number one by one, watchin’ it come together like I hadn’t done it a hundred times before. My heart started beatin’ a little heavier the closer I got to the last few digits, and when I reached that last number, I stopped.
My thumb hovered over the screen while everything hit me at once.
I started thinkin’ about all the arguments, all the times we tried to fix it and ended up right back in the same place and the shit that never really got resolved no matter how much we tried to talk through it.
Then I thought about what my daddy had said to him weeks ago, about what kind of man I needed in my life and what it was goin’ to take to really stand beside me.
I leaned my head back against the tub and closed my eyes, still holdin’ the phone in my hand while I let that sit on me.
I wanted love… and not the type of love that felt good sometimes and heavy the rest of the time, but the type of love that felt right without me havin’ to question it.
I wanted somethin’ that didn’t leave me wonderin’ if I was gon’ have to keep fightin’ to be understood, and even though I missed Renza more than I wanted to admit, I knew deep down that he couldn’t give me that. At least not the way I needed it.
I opened my eyes and looked back down at the screen, starin’ at that last number for a second before I slowly hit backspace, until all the numbers were gone.
I set my phone back down on the edge of the tub and reached for my wine, takin’ a longer sip this time while I stared off in front of me, tryin’ to hold myself together. But it didn’t work.
Everything I had been holdin’ in all day started comin’ up at once, and before I could stop it, my eyes filled up and that first tear slid down the side of my face and into the water. I tried to swallow it down, and keep it from turnin’ into more, but once it started, it didn’t stop.
My shoulders dropped and I bent forward with my hand comin’ up to my face while I let it out the only way I could.
I missed him.
I missed what me and Renza had, and even though I knew I couldn’t go back, that didn’t make lettin’ him go feel any easier.
I stayed in the tub, cryin’ while the water moved around me and the music kept playin’, and all I could do was let it happen because holdin’ it in wasn’t workin’ no more.
As much as it hurt, I knew this was the part I had to get through if I really wanted to move on.
Greystone City
Two weeks later…
Tonight, I was in my zone, sittin’ back in the section with my legs crossed and one hand wrapped around my glass while the other rested on Couture’s thigh.
The whole room had that low, dim lightin’ that made everything feel softer, more intimate and the band on stage was playin’ nothin’ but smooth R&B that had the whole room locked in.
It wasn’t loud in a chaotic way, but was loud where the music wrapped around you, where you could still hear yourself think but you wasn’t really tryin’ to.
