Page 63 of Certified to Handle You
The smoke hit smooth as I leaned back, lettin’ my body relax into the cushion while the game played in the background. I ain’t even know how much time had passed until my phone lit up with Reni’s name on the screen.
I answered, bringin’ it to my ear. “What’s good, baby?”
“Nothin’, layin’ down,” she said. “I thought you was comin’ back over here tonight.”
I leaned my head back against the couch. “Nah, I ain’t gon’ make it tonight, baby. I just got done workin’ out. I’m tired as hell.”
She went quiet for a second, and I already knew she was readin’ into it.
“You feel some type of way about what my daddy said?” she asked, like she had been thinkin’ about askin’ me that shit all day.
I paused, lookin’ at the TV but not really seein’ it. “Nah, that ain’t why I ain’t comin’. I am tired,” I said, keepin’ it real. “But… I ain’t gon’ lie, that shit did get to me a lil’ bit.”
She sighed. “I figured. I could tell in the car.”
I rubbed my face with my free hand. “It ain’t nothin’ crazy. I just need a minute to clear my head.”
“All of a sudden you need to clear your head?” she replied, and I could hear it in her voice now.
“It sounds like you tryin’ to pull away.”
“That ain’t what I’m doin’,” I said. “I’m not pullin’ away. I just need a minute. Baby, I been with you two weeks straight. I haven’t even spent the night at home. Please don’t take this shit personal.”
She went quiet again, then asked, “Is marriage even somethin’ you want?”
I took a breath before answerin’. “Yeah. One day. But right now, I can’t just jump into somethin’ like that.”
“I get that, but the way you sayin’ it sounds very unsure, and that don’t sit right with me,” she said.
“It don’t sit right ’cause you takin’ it like I’m rejectin’ you. And that ain’t what I’m doin’.”
She ain’t say nothin’ for a second, then finally spoke. “Okay, Renza. I know you, and you sound like you don’t wanna be bothered. I’mma let you have the rest of your night.”
“Baby…” I said, sittin’ up a lil’. “Please stop doin’ that. I don’t like it.”
“Stop doin’ what?” she asked.
“Every time I say somethin’ that don’t line up with what you want, you try to cut me off. I love you. I just want shit to be smooth between us. We be clashin’ sometimes, and I just want us to get to a point where we actually know how to move a hundred percent through that shit. I know you a real woman. I know what you need, and I’m workin’ toward that. But I gotta be ready too. Marriage ain’t just some cute shit.”
She was quiet again, then all she said was, “Okay, Renza.”
“I love?—”
The line went dead.
I sat here with the phone still in my hand, starin’ at the screen for a second before tossin’ it on the bed.
I leaned back, bringin’ the blunt to my lips again, lettin’ the smoke fill my chest while my thoughts ran wild.
Right now, this shit with Reni ain’t feel light. Every other week, she was fightin’ with a nigga, and I was always tryna clean it up ’cause I knew I wasn’t always right. But damn… How could I even give her the type of commitment she wanted if every time we exchanged words, she was ready to cut a nigga the fuck off? How could I fully trust her with my thoughts and emotions if she was gon’ dismiss the shit every time I spoke up, just ’cause her ego was bruised? I wasn’t even the type of nigga to be quiet, ’cause I stayed talkin’ my shit, but here I was… not knowin’ if I should call back or just let that shit ride.
Whatever this was between me and Reni was startin’ to feel complicated.
It felt like pressure and control… and I ain’t even know if I was built for that.
Solé Gardens
The same night…
