Page 125 of Certified to Handle You
When I first got here, everything was a blur. It was voices, hands on me and people talkin’ over each other while I tried to stay awake long enough to tell them what they needed. I remember clutchin’ my phone, tryna keep my grip on it while I was laid out in the ambulance, gaspin’ for air and fightin’ not to slip away.
“Call… my… mama,” I kept sayin’, my voice barely there while I tried to focus. “Please… call… my mama…”
I gave them my code somehow. I don’t even know how I remembered it in that moment, but it had to be God’s grace for my life and strength.
After that everything started driftin’. I could hear them talkin’, feel them movin’ around me, but my body was givin’ out and I couldn’t stop it.
Next thing I really remember is wakin’ up in the hospital, cryin’.
The shit came out of me before I could stop it, tears fallin’ while my mama sat right here by me, holdin’ my hand and rubbin’ on me like I was a lil’ girl again. I leaned into her, lettin’myself be soft for once ’cause I ain’t have it in me to be hard right then. Plus, I needed my mama.
“I’m here,” she kept tellin’ me, her voice low but strong. “You okay. You made it.”
The police came in later, askin’ questions, and I gave them what I could, but the truth was I ain’t know shit. I told them it was three of them. I told them how they came in, how they had me open the safe and how one of them shot me when I tried to run, but that was it.
I ain’t know they faces or they names. All I knew was what they did to me.
My phone kept goin’ off after that. It was calls, texts, people checkin’ in, and I answered what I could when I had the strength. My mama handled most of it, talkin’ to family, givin’ updates and keepin’ everybody from blowin’ my phone up too much.
Then Couture called nonstop. He was hurt and I could hear it in his voice. He kept tellin’ me he wished he was here, sayin’ he should’ve never left, and that he was sorry I had to go through this without him bein’ by my side.
“I’m good,” I kept tellin’ him, even though I wasn’t all the way good, and I knew he could hear that shit in my voice no matter how much I tried to make it sound different.
Then there was Toni, and that weighed on me just as heavy, ’cause I hated seein’ her like that. The lil’ time she was here, she stayed movin’, talkin’ to doctors and checkin’ on me, but I could see the hurt and anger in her face every time she thought nobody was payin’ attention. It made me feel like I had turned her world upside down just by bein’ laid up in here like this.
After a while, my mama had to leave. She kept sayin’ she ain’t want to, but she had to go get ready for work, and I understood that even if I ain’t like it.
I wanted to ask her to stay. I wanted to tell her I ain’t feel safe yet, that my mind was still stuck in that moment and I ain’t know how to come out of it. But I ain’t say it.
I just nodded and let her go, watchin’ her walk out the room, actin’ like I was stronger than I really felt.
The second that door closed, everything hit me again.
I laid here starin’ up at the ceilin’, tryna breathe through it, but my thoughts wouldn’t slow down. All I could see was them three niggas, hear they voices, and feel that fear creepin’ back in my spirit like it never left.
My eyes filled up again before I could stop it, tears slidin’ down the sides of my face while I tried to pull myself together.
Who sent them?
That question kept comin’ back.
Who knew I had money like that?
Who was watchin’ me close enough to know I had cash in that safe?
The more I thought about it, the worse it got, and for the first time in a long time, I felt alone.
My chest started risin’ faster with my thoughts racin’, and I could feel myself startin’ to spiral before I even realized it.
Then the door opened…
I turned my head slow, not even expectin’ nothin’ but a nurse or somebody comin’ in to check on me.
But when I saw Renza, I swallowed hard.
He filled the doorway without sayin’ a word. Just as I remembered, he was tall, solid, dark, and calm in a way that made everything around him feel smaller.
It had been a minute since I seen him, but nothin’ about him changed.
