Page 27 of For Flag's Sake
“But…” Maple mutters, causing the organ to freeze. “Ivy, that doesn’t fix anything. I knew you loved me before. You knew I loved you before. We’re Maple and Ivy, of course we love each other. Love has never been the problem here. Maybe I didn’t know you wereinlove with me, but that doesn’t actually change anything, no matter how much we might wish that it does.”
My hands convulse around hers. “I… don’t understand.”
She scoots closer and lays her free hand along my jaw, thumb caressing the space where a dimple occasionally pops out. It is not showing itself now.
“I know you don’t,” she says. “And I’m sorry, but I can’t force you to understand. I can help. I can tell you what question you need to find the answer to, but I can’t answer it for you, Ivy.”
“What’s the question?” I’ll answer anything for her. Anything. She has to know that.
“Why didn’t you ask me to marry you?” she asks.
I flinch.
I don’t have an answer for that.
I just… I just didn’t.
She’s asked the one question Ican’tanswer. She might as well have stabbed me in the chest.
“Why didn’t you?” she pushes. “Think about it, Ivy. Why didn’t you ask me?”
My head shakes. “I don’t… I don’t know.” My heart calls me a traitor and crawls back to my stomach’s domain. I want to crawl away with it. I want to curl up and hide.
“I love you,” I tell her, willing the words to be enough—to be what she needs. “I love you. I love you.”
“I know,” she says. “Iknow, but love isn’t all that a relationship needs. It needs trust and respect, too, and it needs people who are willing to grow together. People who can answer the hard questions that life is going to throw at them. But before we can do that—before we can tackle a lifetogether—we have to be able to grow alone. We have to be able to answer the hard questions that are meant just for us. We have to prove that we’re capable and willing so that when something comes up for us both, we don’t flounder, but instead approach it head on. Do you see what I’m saying, Ivy? You need to be able to answer that question, so that later, I know that you’ll be able to answer harder ones.”
A deeply unpleasant sensation bubbles beneath my skin, and my lungs struggle to fill themselves. “But I love you,” I whisper, even though it’s not enough. I turn into her hand, letting a tear slide from my cheek to her skin. “I love you,” I speak against her, where the words might slip between the lines of her fate and take root—where they might make a difference.
She sighs, not exasperated or annoyed, buthopeless, and it shreds me apart. “Then you’ll figure this out,” she says, not an ounce of conviction in her tone. “With some self-reflection… or some time… or… something.”
My eyes squeeze shut, but I see her face anyway. Sad. She just seems sosad. Like this is a goodbye instead of a beginning. Like our fate rests on me, and she doesn’t trust that I’ll be able to bring it to fulfillment.
I force my eyes open—force myself to let her go, and take a breath, and take hold of the terror threatening to overwhelm me. It’s hard. It’s really flagging hard, but I do it. For Maple, I pull myself together, and I promise myself that I will take away her hopelessness.
Then, I promise her.
“I’ll figure it out,” I vow for the both of us. “I’ll do whatever I have to do, Maple. For you, I will always do whatever I have to do.” Even if it’s uncomfortable, or painful, or akin to shoving an ice pick through my eye. I’ll do it. For Maple.
I’ll dig through the terror and the discomfort until I find the center of my soul, held aloft in her hands, and I’ll take a magnifying glass to my thoughts and actions until I knowexactlyhow to answer her question.
For Maple, I think, steeling myself against the part of me that wants to toss her over my shoulder andforceher to just love me back, no questions asked. Maple doesn’t want force, nor empty platitudes. She wants honesty.
I just… have to figure out what that honesty really is.
My back straightens, and I wipe the salt from my eyes.
“For you,” I repeat. “I will always, always do anything for you, my wife.”
Chapter Fourteen
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Iverson
After dropping Maple off at her hotel last night, I immediately went home to research the best ways to deep dive into one’s own mind. The internet unanimously agreed that what I need is A: Therapy, B: Meditation, or C: Both.
I’m taking door B.
