Page 25 of In My Heart
“You can,” Arran told me with a nod and a wink.
I turned to go to Rafe, and was intercepted by Terza. She was in a black dress too, and she wore a black blazer over it. Her eyes were red from crying and she looked as worn out as she had all week. She felt Gia’s loss just as much as we all did. She had known Gia since the day she was born.
“Here, sweet girl. Arran told me you were cold. I brought this in my bag, just in case,” she said as she pulled out a black, slightly patterned, fine knit, wrap. She put it over my shoulders and around my arms, fussing with it for a moment. I just watched as her eyes filled with tears again.
“Thank you,” I told her when she moved to step back, but I didn’t let her go, stilling her until she looked up at me, then I wrapped my arms around her.
We didn’t speak, just held each other as I fought not to allow my own tears to follow. Terza was shaking hard in my arms.
“I love you so much.” I told her, hoping to help in some small, impossible way.
“Mum,” Dio worried as he appeared at our side and wrapped himself around the both of us.
“I’m sorry, son. I just…just give me a m-minute. I’ll be okay,” Terza sniffled as Dio just held us.
“You’re allowed to cry, Mum,” Dio told her.
“I can’t seem to stop,” she uttered.
“You’re not the only one, but Dio’s right. We should cry. This is an awful bloody day,” I added as I lost the fight to hold back my own tears.
For several moments we all just held each other. Terza and I cried, and Dio and the others just allowed us that. It was Terza who pulled away first as she wiped at her face with a tissue.
As soon as Dio let me go, Rafe was there, wrapping an arm around me and handing me a tissue with the other.
“Thanks,” I sighed as I took it and wiped at my face.
At least I had thought to only wear waterproof mascara so I didn’t look a mess at Gia’s wake. She wouldn’t have been happy with that happening. “You th-think I’d have run out of tears this week, wouldn’t you? But no! They just…just keep coming.”
“You can cry as much as you need to,Gioia. I don’t need you to be anything but yourself in that room, understood? None of that crap Marcello taught you, about the family image. You feel what you feel, and if it becomes too much, just say the word and I’ll take you home.”
“I love you, Rafe,” I told him instead of answering.
“I love you too,” he returned, pulling me even closer into his side.
We all walked into the restaurant together, Rafe holding me, and Dio at my other side. Arran and Cal were right behind me. I knew because I could hear Cal’s crutches, and when I glanced back to check, Arran had his arm around Terza, supporting her as she fought a visible battle not to cry.
We were a family and I felt so much braver knowing they surrounded me, but someone was missing, and I wished he were there right then, even knowing all he would likely do was scowl.
But Dante had disappeared. He hadn’t received the texts Arran sent him, and when I tried to call him, his phone was turned off. No one knew where he was. He’d just gone and I was terrified he’d never come back. I hadn’t forgiven him for what he did, but that didn’t mean I wanted him gone. I couldn’t stand losing anyone else. I just needed him close, to know he was alright. He had broken my trust in him in a huge way, but that didn’t take away the feelings I had for him.
For the next hour Rafe and I walked around the room together, Rafe keeping his arm firmly around me, talking to people I didn’t know, listening to them offer their condolences. I was so sick of people telling me what a tragedy it was, and that Gia had been too young to have her life taken from her, like I didn’t fucking know!
But I kept my temper and emotions in check as much as I could, walking around pretty numbly and offering forced, sad smiles when necessary. Rafe handled most of the conversation that was required, steering us away when the obligatory dialogue had gone on long enough. His mask was in place, his own emotions well-hidden as the Rafe he had been trained to be by our father – the emotionless mafia boss – took over.
But even through that stone faced façade and steady voice, I felt his love for me in the way he held me close, and in the way he glanced down at me as we moved, checking on me constantly. And in those moments I saw the real Rafe, my loving brother, and the stress and wear all of this bullshit was having on him. That was why I made myself stand strong at his side, because he needed me, even if he refused to show an ounce of the grief I knew he felt.
As we stood from a table where Rafe had been talking to several men and one woman, who all seemed to be a part of an Irish family he worked with – likely criminals, I was guessing - Dio came hurrying over and grabbed Rafe’s shoulder. Rafe leaned in, so that Dio could talk to him in a rushed whisper. I didn’t hear what was said because I was too busy trying to steady myself as light-headedness hit me when I stood. By the time I could see straight, they were both turning to me with concern.
“Oh Christ!” I groaned in a loud whisper. “What now?” I asked as I glanced around me, but no one seemed to be paying attention other than the table we had just risen from.
“Excuse us,” Rafe said, as he glanced to the table again once, then took my arm and led me away to a quieter corner of the room, Dio right behind us.
“What’s going on?” I asked in a whisper as soon as I knew we were out of hearing range of anyone else.
“We have a lead on Kozlov. I need to go,” Rafe told me, but he looked pained at the idea of it.
“Arran and Cal will take you home. My Mum will stay here until it winds down and make our excuses,” Dio added. I glanced past him to where Terza was sat with Cal and Arran at a table in thecentre of the room. She was pale and looked exhausted, her eyes as red and angry from crying, as mine felt.
