Page 77 of In My Heart
“Sorry,” I whispered as I swiped the back of my hand across my eyes.
“Is Rafe alright?”
“No. He…he’s weak and exhausted and he h-hates it, Arran. I can’t stand seeing him so upset,” I explained.
“And that’s why yer out here drowning in yer misplaced guilt, isn’t it?”
“He got shot protecting me!” I hissed bitterly.
“Ye think this is the first time he’s been shot, Cara? It comes wi’ his job title. That’s why he’s tryin’ to get outta this life. What happened wasnae yer fault, and I ken Rafe’d take that bullet a million times over if that’s what it took to keep ye safe. He’ll be alright. It’ll just be a matter of time.”
“Sorry,” I sniffled. “I know. I just…I think things are getting on top of me today.”
“Are Dario and Cal in there?” Arran gestured to Rafe’s door, so I nodded. “Good. Let’s get you down to yer room then, so ye can shower and change. Just let me take care of ye, will ye?”
“You don’t have to…”
“I want to,” Arran cut in. “Stop believin’ that yer a burden to us, darlin’. Yer no’. Me, Cal, and Dario are grateful for every second we get to spend wi’ ye, an’ we’re honoured when ye finally let go enough wi’ us to let us care fer ye for a wee while. That’s what we want, fer ye to trust in us.”
“I do,” I nodded. “I just wish Rafe knew about us. That’s just more guilt. I’m keeping secrets from him.”
I glanced behind me to the closed door of Rafe’s room and felt my anxiety getting a grip on me. Would he hear us out in the hall? I think a part of me wanted him to, which made me such a selfish cow, because Rafe was in no state to try and deal with theanger I knew he’d feel in response to me loving three different men – men Rafe trusted.
I felt like such a shitty person as my guilt tried to drown me.Maybe it should. Maybe that would have been better for everyone.
I glanced to Gia’s closed bedroom door again and suddenly the landing around me felt too open, too exposed. My dark thoughts led me to my fears, and that just led to the reason for those fears. I tried to take a breath and get a handle on it all, and when it just came out shaky and uneven, I slammed my eyes closed, irritated and ashamed.
“Hey,” Arran murmured.
His hand found mine without looking, fingers threading between mine like it was just second nature. It steadied me more than I wanted to admit. He was pressed against my back, his arms still tight around me, his warmth a quiet insistence that I wasn’t alone; that he was right there with me.
“I’m fine,” I said automatically.
“I’m getting’ so sick of ye trying to placate everyone with those bullshit words, Cara. Yer no’ fine, so stop lying. Yer foolin’ no one.”
I opened my eyes just enough to glare at him, but he didn’t bite, and I couldn’t even get mad with him. Not when he was watching me as he was – his gaze gentle, patient, as if he had all the time in the world to wait me out. Finally I felt myself give in. There was no use trying to hide from him when he saw past every mask I put up.
“I should stay with Rafe,” I whispered. “He’s…he got shot a-and I need to…”
“We’re talking about Rafe here,” Arran cut in, “He’s the toughest bastard I’ve ever ken’t. Even laid up as he is, I guarantee he’s currently plotting someone’s death. Likely Dario’s from what he told me about that nurse.”
A breath escaped me before I could stop it. Not quite a laugh, but close enough that Arran caught it.
“There it is,” he said, squeezing my hand. “Thought I’d lost ye completely to yer guilt spiral.”
I shook my head, but my grip tightened in his. “You don’t understand. If I hadn’t…”
“I understand that ye care about him,” Arran told me, softer now. “And that yer exhausted. And that ye had a very tough workout in the gym this morning, an’ are standing here shakin’ in damp clothes, cold, exhausted, likely hungry, and letting yer panic ride ye.”
“How do you…”
“I’m observant,” he cut in. “And I ken ye well now, lass, better than I think ye even realise.”
“Arran…”
“Come on. Down to yer room. Shower. Food. When yer feeling stronger, we’ll come back and check on yer brother.”
“I don’t know,” I hedged, but he was already guiding me toward the stairs, his hand at the small of my back, steady and warm. With every step down, away from Rafe and Gia’s room, I felt my panic ebbing and myself calming.
