Page 47 of In My Heart
“We do need to change things around here though. Cara’s drownin’ and we’re all just standin’ back and watchin’ it happen.” Arran added.
“No. I’m okay,” I argued.
“That has to stop too, Cara. No more telling everyone you’re fine when you’re not. You can’t heal from everything that happened by shoving it somewhere deep inside you. It won’t work this time. You have to let it out, be honest when you’re hurting, or struggling, talk to us about what you’re feeling. Be open andhonest so we can all help you through,” Cal cut in, his voice stern again.
“He’s right,” Rafe agreed. “You have the appointment with that counsellor on Monday. I think it’s important you try to let her help too.”
“I just w-want to be better,” I sniffled,
“You will be,Piccola, but it will take time, patience, and trust in all of us - belief that we will be here for you.”
“It’s too hard!”
“Harder than hiding from us all? Harder than crying and breaking down when you’re alone and afraid? Harder than breaking your own principles to take illegal drugs, just to get through the days feeling nothing?” Dio pushed.
“We’re all going to be closer, sweetheart. We’re not going to leave you by yourself for a moment. When it gets too hard to deal with, we’ll be there. You don’t have to do anything alone. Just stop trying to be so damn tough all of the time and let us take care of you, okay? The time will come for you to be tough again, but this is not it. This is the time to know your limits, as well as you seem to know your strengths, and accept help,” Rafe explained, and his words struck a chord with me. It wasn’t like I’d done well dealing with it all without help. Being alone no longer seemed to be one of my strengths, after all.
***
Worry filled the air as the guys spoke quietly amongst themselves. It felt tense around me, and I knew I had landed a bombshell on Rafe.
Exhausted and emotionally wrung out, I had retreated into Arran’s lap, not even caring what Rafe thought of the situation after I left his arms. I just wanted to be held and feel secure while I closed my eyes and waited for the damn doctor to show up and poke me with needles.
I was sat sideways in Arran’s lap, my eyes closed and my head leant against his chest, over the thrum of his steady heartbeat. I had zoned out, not listening to anything being said around me, just floating in a place that wasn’t quite awake, but wasn’t asleep either. Arran had both arms around me, holding me firmly, the soothing scent of his aftershave and body wash surrounding me with familiarity.
“Cara?” Rafe’s voice startled me and my eyes snapped open. He was crouched down low at my side again, his hand on my knee. “Sorry to wake you, sweetheart, but the doctor has arrived. I know you’re worn out, but once he has these bloods you can rest, okay?”
“Okay,” I nodded, the word slightly slurred, sleep clinging around me.
Rafe and Arran helped me to stand on unsteady legs, and I found myself holding onto my brother to stay upright. I was exhausted, more so than I ever remembered feeling.
“Okay, lass?” Arran asked. Rafe had wrapped his arm around me, all but holding me up.
“Yeah,” I whispered.
Rafe started to lead me into the kitchen, but as soon as we passed through the door I froze. The man sat at the island in the centre, his medical supplies laid out before him, was the man who had tried to inject me with drugs after the night Gia and Iescaped the garage. Just seeing him again had me feeling fear, and as emotional as I was, that came out in tears and upset.
“Ah, good to see you again, young lady,” the doctor spoke as he looked up at me. “It seems your aversion to drugs has changed somewhat,” he added with a chuckle that made me feel sick.
I wanted Dante. He protected me last time. He watched this doctor like a hawk then scared him from the house with a few barked words. Then he’d held me and made me feel so safe.
“That’s enough!” Rafe snapped. “Just do what you came here to do and spare us the commentary.”
The doctor looked suitably nervous as Rafe led me over to the counter and helped me into a stool kitty corner to the doctor. I was relieved when Rafe remained at my back, a steadying hand on my shoulder, assuring me he wasn’t leaving me.
“Have you been injecting any drugs into your veins?” the doctor asked as he pushed the sleeve of Cal’s sweater up my right arm.
“No!” I cried, fighting like hell not to let the tears in my eyes fall.
“Then I shouldn’t have trouble locating your veins.”
“I…I don’t have good veins. They told me before…they couldn’t find one to get blood right away.”
“Well I’ve never had a problem before,” the doctor said smugly. “And I won’t be defeated so easily.”
But twenty minutes later and six attempts in different locations on both of my arms, he seemed pretty defeated to me. I was just trying hard not to cry. I wasn’t great with needles as it was, and blood…well that just took me back to the day I found my Mum.
The doctor wasn’t gentle either. He’d stick the needle in, then when there was no vein, he just kind of spun it around under my skin, from where he’d stuck me, trying to blindly find something. I was so close to a break down, and I knew it.
