Page 42 of In My Heart
“Look at me,” Cal said calmly, but firmly. When I hesitated, his hand moved from my back to cup my chin, guiding my face up until I was looking guiltily into his eyes. “You just lied to us, Cara, and I don’t think it was the first time in the last week. Don’t we deserve honesty?”
There was disappointment in the weight of his stare, and so much concern in the tone of his serious and steady voice. All of his usual lightness was gone.
“I’m s-sorry,” I whimpered as tears spilled down my cheeks.
He was right. I had lied that week, and not just to him and Arran, but to Rafe, Dio, and even Terza. I’d lied about eating, about sleeping. Every smile, every laugh, every proclamation that I was fine. All lies. That wasn’t who I was. I had never been a good liar, which was why I always chose honesty where it was safe to do so.
“It all stops now, right? No more lies. No more pretence that you are doing better than you are. No more hiding from any of us. We’re here for you, just like we have been since the day you met us. If you feel like you can’t cope; if it’s all too much, you do not damn-well take drugs you found in a bathroom! You come to us. You let us help you. We’re here for you, Cara. Please, just tell me what we have to do to make you actually start believing that,” Cal pleaded.
A sob slipped free as guilt and shame consumed me. I had been trying to protect them all, and instead I had just upset them.
“I w-wanted to be strong,” I squeaked.
“Jesus, lass. Ye are strong. So fuckin’ strong. I dinnae ken how yer still on yer feet and breathin’ after what ye’ve been through, but here ye are. Strength doesnae mean dealing wi’ everything alone. It means knowin’ yer limits, an’ askin’ fer help when ye need it. It means standin’ despite the storms that come, and sometimes maybe ye’ll manage to do that alone, but other times ye might need others to stand wi’ ye, support ye. It doesnae make a difference as long as ye survive in the end. Yes, ye can be strong alone, but ye can be a lot stronger as part of a team. A family. A relationship. That’s what we’re tryin’ to build, is it no’?”
“Why would you want to build anything with me?” I laughed flatly. “Look at me!” I waved a hand over myself, knowing what a state I must look.
“Because we love ye, Cara. Yer no’ perfect, but neither are any of us. Can broken people no’ have a happily ever after?”
“God, I hope they can,” I sniffled.
“They can. We’ll be the proof. We’ll get through this and whatever else comes, together. Maybe we won’t get the perfect fairytale ending, but I know we can find a way to all be happy together.”
“I want that,” I agreed shakily. “But it’s a ways off, I think.”
“Ye got somewhere else to be, lass?” Arran questioned, and when I looked to him, the corners of his mouth were tipped up in a tiny smile.
“Let’s go up to your room,” Cal spoke up. “You’ll give Arran the remaining pills. No more taking anything to make you feel numb, agreed?”
I nodded, but I still felt physically sick at the idea of handing those pills over. The thought of facing the next day without the lull they gave me was overwhelming and scary.
“Good. Let’s go then. You need to rest for a while. When Dario and Rafe get home, we’ll have a meeting with them about what you guys discovered earlier.”
“You won’t tell Rafe about the pills, will you?” I asked anxiously. Arran and Cal shared a look, having some silent conversation I didn’t understand.
“No, we won’t, Cara. You will,” Arran answered flatly.
“No, Please. He’s already going through so much. I don’t want to disappoint him, or make him worry more. Please!” I cried desperately.
“He loves you, Cara. Nothing you could do would disappoint him. And as for worrying him – I don’t think he could be any more worried about you than he is right now.” Cal pulled me tight against him again as he spoke, running his hand up and down my back to soothe my new flash of panic.
“He needs to know. We cannae keep somethin’ like this from him, nor from Dario. It’s time to stop hidin’ from everyone, includin’ the two of them,” Arran added.
I knew he was right, but that didn’t make it any less terrifying to admit to them what I had done, especially when, if I were honest, I didn’t even want to stop taking those pills. I didn’t know or care what they were. I just knew they were the only thing that had helped me to breathe since that night in the warehouse, and I feared without them I was going to suffocate.
***
“Here, darlin.’” Arran said, startling me from where I sat at the dining table, staring into space. “Ye need to eat. Terza told us ye didnae eat lunch, like ye told us ye did earlier.”
I lifted my head, ready to face his anger at yet another of my lies being revealed, but instead he just seemed worried and stressed.
“Sorry,” I whispered, dropping my gaze back to the dinner Arran had set before me. Spaghetti Carbonara.
Arran set another plate beside me, then I heard the clicking of Cal’s crutches as he came in from the kitchen and sat beside me, before the second plate.
“How are you feeling, babe?” he asked as he dropped the crutches to the floor beside his chair, then tucked his chair under the table.
He’d been asking me that all afternoon. We’d gone to my room, just as he suggested, and I had reluctantly handed what was left of the pills to Arran, promising him that was all there was when he pushed me on the matter.
