Page 36 of In My Heart
This was the battle I had been fighting internally, over and over again, for weeks, ever since we lost her. No matter which way my thoughts ran, I aways came to the same conclusion – Gia’s death was on me. Rafe was grieving the last real relative he had because of me.
I didn’t think it was possible to hate myself any more than I did after what those men did to me, but that knowledge did it. Not only did I feel weak, dirty, tainted, and so fucking broken, but I also felt guilt, to the point I was sure I was unworthy of anyone’s love, especially my brother, and the men who were fighting a losing battle trying to hold me together.
I had been hiding it as much as I could though. I wanted my brother to believe I was doing better. I didn’t want him worrying about me any more than he already did, because I wasn’t damn well worth it! I wanted Cal, Arran, and Dio to stop looking at me like I was a bomb that may go off at any moment. I wanted to look like I was getting stronger even if it was quite the opposite in reality.
So I cried when I was alone, and I hid in the bathroom, or my room when things got too much for me to hold back. I worked to keep busy doing the most mundane and insane tasks in the house, just to try and distract myself from falling apart.
And I took those pills. I hated myself for doing it. I’d never felt more like my mother than when I scavenged through the trash can in my bathroom to retrieve them a week ago, and now I was turning into her, popping those unknown white pills in a desperate search for some calm in the storm inside my head. It felt like failure, and yet I didn’t have the strength to care much about that.
They didn’t make me feel or look out of it the way my Mum used to. They didn’t give me a high, or make me hallucinate. They just seemed to numb me. Blur the edges enough for me to not get trapped in my mind. They gave me a hazy feeling that made it easier to plaster on smiles and pretend everything was fine.
And I was convinced that pills that did only those simple things, could not be addictive like the drugs my Mum took, so I was safe to take them. I needed them.
At that point, they were the only thing that helped in the way that I needed them to. Maybe if Cal, Arran, or Dio could carry me around all day and let me feel their skin against mine, grounding me to them and the present, I could cope without the pills, but that wasn’t going to happen. The guys were crazy enough to give me that, but I wasn’t broken enough to ask for it – or at least I didn’t want them to know I was.
I wanted to find my strength, even if it was as fragile as a house of cards. I wanted to project the person I used to be, and the pills were helping me build up to that again. Only they were running out. I had enough left for a day or two, then I’d have to go back to reality with no comforting numbness, no blurred edges. And that terrified me. I didn’t want to fall apart again, like I had before. I didn’t want to lose the ground I felt I was gaining then.
My hands shook as I reached over to my bedside cabinet and pulled out the almost empty bag, shaking two of the innocent little tablets into my hand. I threw them back, swallowing them dry, tears still streaming down my cheeks as the fear and horror of my nightmare played over and over again in my head. Gia laid on that cold concrete, blood staining the daisies all over her summer dress, her bright blonde hair in bunches and her innocent eyes locked on me, hating me, blaming me.
I slammed my hands over my closed eyes and toppled forwards until my head was resting against the mattress. This was why I needed those pills. How could I keep going if I had to live with such images constantly playing? There was only one answer to that. I couldn’t.
***
“What are you two up to?” I asked as I walked into the living room after lunch and found Cal and Arran sprawled out on the sofas, Cal with his laptop open on his chest, and Arran with a book in hand. They were both dressed casually and looked relaxed.
I’d purposely avoided lunch by timing a session in the gym just right. My appetite was even more non-existent since I started taking the pills, and when I was forced to eat, it left me feeling nauseous. I tried hard to be stealthy about the fact I missed most set meal times, but the guys knew, and questioned me about what I’d eaten constantly.
“Just finishing up an essay. Where were you? You missed lunch. Terza wasn’t happy,” Cal spoke up first.
“She’s fine. I explained and she made me a sandwich,” I lied, and it was scary how easily that lie slid from my tongue.
“Ye were in the gym again, weren’t ye?” Arran asked shutting his book and sitting up on the sofa, as I rounded it to stand between them.
“Aye, I was,” I teased, in a terrible Scottish accent, throwing him a wink for good measure.
Arran lunged forward, catching my wrist in his hand, then pulling me into his lap where he started to tickle down my sides mercilessly.
“Cheeky wee thing,” he laughed over the sound of my cries for mercy and laughter.
“Arran! I’m gonna pee! Stop!” I squeaked with amusement.
Thankfully, the threat worked, and he stopped tickling, instead wrapping his hands around my waist, helping me to sit up in his lap.
“That was mean!” I mock pouted as I looked up at him, unable to contain the smile for more than a moment.
“It was fun,” he chuckled. “Who knew ye were so ticklish?”
“I’m not!” I protested, then before he could argue with me, I reached up and kissed him chastely, stopping whatever he was about to say.
When I tried to pull away, he caught me with an arm around my back and pulled me close again, kissing me a little deeper and longer.
I couldn’t help but glance to the door when we were done, terrified I would find Rafe stood there, but he wasn’t. I was pretty sure he and Dio weren’t even home.
“He and Dio are still at the office,” Cal assured me, as if he read my mind.
Cal, Arran, Dio, and I had all had a talk about our relationship a few nights ago. Basically they came to the conclusion that they were all in if it was what I wanted. They didn’t seem too concerned about jealousy between them when I asked, though we all agreed it would be a case of just trying things out, and feeling our way through things as they came along. So we were kind of all in a relationship now. Sort of.
There was no question of what I wanted. I knew that much. Them. I wanted them, however I could claim them. But my own feelings of inadequacy wouldn’t leave me. I would never feel that I was good enough for them, even if I weren’t as broken as I knew I was.
