Page 18 of In My Heart
“I’d be more worried about you right now if you weren’t falling apart, Cara,” he told me.
“What?”
“So much has happened to you in your life, and so much more just in these past weeks. I think anyone who could endure all of that and come out not feeling unsteady just days later, would have to be a psychopath or something. Of course your head is a mess. It should be. What happened to you, it wasn’t right. None of it should have happened, let alone all of it. It will take time for your brain to be able to process it all, and it won’t be a fast or easy thing to do either. You’ll need help, from a professional, and from the people who love and care about you. You shouldn’t be alright now babe, so stop expecting it of yourself, right?”
“But I w-want to be alright.”
“I know you do. You’re so strong and resilient. You’re used to just dusting yourself off, pushing the trauma away, and moving forwards. You got good at that, I think. But that won’t work now. What happened to you was too much for you to brush away this time. You have to find healthy and lasting ways to deal with it all.”
“What if I c-can’t do that?”
“You can and you will. And you won’t do any of it alone. Me and Arran aren’t going anywhere. You’ve got Rafe too. And even if Dario is bullshit with emotions, he cares about you, and he will support you through this as much as he can. Terza too. You havea family now. Lean on us. Let us be here for you when you need us, and even when you don’t. That’s all we want right now.”
“Maybe,” I shrugged.
“What does that mean? Talk to me,” he implored.
I sighed deeply and looked up at him as yet more tears came, filling my eyes and making my vision blurry.
“Right now I…I d-don’t know how to get through the next hour, Cal. What happened…it’s in my head…playing there…running in a loop over and ov-over. I’m too sc-scared to sleep. I can’t eat. I just need it all to…to just stop.” My last words came out broken and desperate.
“Are you talking about hurting yourself again, Cara?” he asked seriously.
“No,” I shook my head. “I don’t…I…I haven’t, but…”
“But what?”
“But maybe…if it w-won’t stop. It’s too much!” I cried brokenly.
“No! Are you listening to me? You do not do that again. If you’re even thinking that way I want you to come to me, right away, and if I’m not here you go to someone, anyone. We can’t lose you, Cara. I love you. Do you remember me telling you that? I damn-well love you, and I will not lose you. I know you have spent your whole life fighting, and you must be so tired of it, but I need you to keep going anyway. Keep fighting. I’m going to do everything in my power to keep you safe from now on. Arran too. We can all make the future a better place for you, for all of us.”
“I love you too Cal, but I…I still don’t know how to get through the next hour…even the next ten minutes. I don’t know h-how to make any of it better!”
“We do it together, one step at a time.”
“How?” I asked defeatedly.
“Let’s start by getting you out of this room,” Cal announced. “I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of the sight of these four walls.”
“Coffee w-would be good,” I agreed.
“Okay,” he nodded. “That’s the beginnings of a plan then.”
I squeaked in shock when he rose to his feet in one smooth move and lifted me right with him.
“Cal!” I cried. My voice was rough and hoarse, but I seemed to be over the block that had stopped me from speaking for days.
“Did I hurt you?” he asked as he froze.
“No. You! Your ankle!”
“I didn’t put any weight on it. I’m fine,” he waved me off as he kept one arm around me and slowly lowered my feet to the ground. “What do you think about taking some blankets out and laying in the garden? I doubt we’ll see any stars, but you never know.”
“I used to do that when I w-was a kid,” I recalled. “I…I was obsessed with space…a-and the sky. Rafe…he bought me a telescope but I…I had to leave and I n-never got to use it.”
It had been so long since I thought about any of that. I’d been a kid then. Maybe not like the average eight year old, because of the family I was born into, but still innocent and sheltered some. Thinking about it, those days - when Rafe gifted me my first telescope, and the sky full of stars had been pure magic – they had been the last days of my innocence and childhood.
“Then what do you say? Do you want to do some stargazing through the London smog?” he asked with an uneasy smile.
