Page 17 of In My Heart
I burst into tears as my emotions overwhelmed me again, collapsing forwards and pressing my forehead to the ground, my tears soaking into the carpet beneath me.
“What the fuck happened?” Cal asked quietly, but I could hear him.
“I…I don’t know. She had a nightmare and I woke her. She calmed down, but then I think she started to have another maybe? Next thing I know she’s at the bedroom door pounding on it, then she fell to the ground and just….fell apart. She screamed.”
“I know she bloody screamed! I heard her,” Cal ground out.
“What should we do? Should I get Rafe back here?” Dio asked. It was the most uncertain I had ever heard him sound. I couldn’t help but think that maybe I had broken him.
“No. She doesn’t need Rafe. She just needs to know she’s not alone.”
As Cal spoke I felt him move closer to me, then he dropped heavily to the ground behind me, so I was sitting in the space between his legs.
“Now, I know that sounded like a giant plonked down behind you, babe, but I assure you it’s just me,” he said teasingly, softening his tone for me, as he settled in behind me, then very slowly and gently placed his large hand on my shoulder.
I was still on my knees, with my head pressed to the carpet, my ribs screaming in pain at the position and my head fuzzy and dizzy. “I’m here now. Whenever you feel ready you sit up and lean into me, okay?”
“You should take your shirt off. She likes to feel skin. It worked before to calm her down,” Dio spoke up.
“That’s a really good idea, actually. Skin to skin contact is proven to be soothing with anxiety and PTSD for some.” Cal agreed, and I felt him move around a little behind me. I wondered if he’d removed his shirt. The idea of sitting up and cuddling into his warm, broad chest sounded like what I needed right then.
“Can you handle this? I should get some work done,” Dio said, and I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed that I was clearly scaring him off with my crazy behaviour.
“Of course I can handle things, but if you want to be a part of this, Dario, you really should stay. She needs you too,” Cal sighed.
“I’m no good at this shit. I’m much better off making sure she’s safe right now.”
With those words I heard my bedroom door open and footsteps retreat. I had scared him off, I realised.
“Just you and me then, gorgeous,” Cal told me.
The easiness in his words helped me to calm a little more, and I forced in a very shaky and ragged breath. I was still shaking badly, and I suddenly felt freezing cold, but I started to sit up. I wanted to press against Cal. No one could make me feel safer and saner than Cal could right then, and I needed some of that.
“Cal?” I whispered as I turned my head and met his eyes.
“You don’t know how good it is to hear you say my name,” he sighed with relief.
“I…I d-don’t think I c-can do this,” I whimpered through my tears. Cal watched me as pain and worry crossed his face, but he rallied, as he always did, and gentled his features for me.
“Right now you don’t have to do anything but let me hold you. Can you do that?” he asked.
I gave a shaky nod, and in a second Cal had me scooped up and held against him tightly, my head rested against his bare chest, my entire body wrapped tightly in his strong arms. The sobs came quickly, and they were loud and mournful, filled with so much pain, and yet, no matter how much I cried, the pain never got any less.
Cal just held me, rocking me slightly. He was the only thing stopping me from losing my mind altogether. I was pretty sure if he let me go, I would drown in the chaos and terror inside of me.
At some point the tears stopped. Either I was too dehydrated to cry anymore, or simply too exhausted. Either way my breathing slowed and I just lay there against Cal. Things in my mind didn’t really calm down, but they faded a little as my thoughts became cloudy.
“Cal?” I whispered.
He lowered his head from where he had been leaning back against the wall and looked me over. All of the levity and light had gone from his face. Instead he just looked worn out.
“Yeah, babe?”
“I…I’m s-sorry I w-oke you up,” I whispered shakily.
“Silly girl,” he sighed with the hint of a smile. “Don’t you know I’d always much rather be right here with you?”
“My head…everything’s so out o-of control. I th-think I’m losing it…losing m-my mind,” I stuttered honestly.
