Page 16 of In My Heart
I looked up at him through my blurry vision and lifted my arms towards him. I just needed to not be alone. I needed him to hold me tight so I would feel grounded.
“Shit. I’m such an idiot,” he muttered as he picked me up and cradled me against his chest while he moved to sit at the top of the bed. Once he was settled back against the cushioned headboard, he placed me in his lap and held me tight as I rested my head against his chest. “Sorry, Carr. I should have workedout this was what you needed a lot sooner,” he sighed as he held me and I fought to calm myself down.
My forehead was touching Dio’s skin, where the collar of his shirt was partly unbuttoned and I wanted more of that. He was so warm and his skin felt so comforting. I moved around until I could press my cheek to his skin instead, straining to reach there, but I needed it. I couldn’t explain why. Maybe I just needed to be even closer to him.
“Do you like touching my skin?” Dio asked, and I looked up at him with embarrassment. I was acting like a frightened child, but in that moment, that was kind of the way I felt.
Dio just watched me, waiting for my answer patiently. He looked tired, but still so handsome, with his dark hair product-free and looking so much thicker and wilder than usual. His stubble was thick, and those dark eyes were so intense as he just waited for me. Finally I gave in and nodded. I hadn’t spoken for days and couldn’t stop crying. How much worse could admitting I wanted to be even closer to him be?
“Then we can do better than this. Sit up for me for a moment,” he said, and I sat up and moved aside, then watched in relief and shock as he pushed up enough to free his shirt from his dress pants, then started undoing all of the buttons.
I just stared for a moment when he pulled his shirt open, and revealed his bronzed and perfect body underneath. It was lined with tight muscle and covered with tattoos.
“Is this okay,Piccola? Do you want to lay against me like this?” he asked softly. I glanced up to him and nodded, then settled down against him, this time my whole face pressed against his warm, smooth skin. I moved my right hand to hold over his stomach too, wanting more contact. It was the best kind ofcomfort, and I actually started to calm down, pressed against him like that.
“That’s it. Nice steady breaths for me now,” Dio coached. He started to run his hand through my wild hair over and over again, and before long my eyes were getting heavy.
As sleep came for me, so did terror and I jolted myself awake violently. I wasn’t allowing myself to sleep anymore! I couldn’t take any more of the replays that awaited me there.
“I’m still here, baby. You’re safe,” Dio said quickly, but I pushed from his grip and sat up, by breath coming fast once again. My only thought was to move and not stop, if that were what it took to stop me from sleeping. I couldn’t sleep! I was so close to losing my mind, that I was pretty sure one more nightmare could do it.
“Cara?” Dio began, but I shuffled from the bed and pushed to my feet the moment they touched the carpet. “Cara! Slow down. Where are you going?” Dio shot up from the bed and came towards me.
I held a hand out to him, trying to reassure him that I was okay, then I nodded to the bedroom door before heading towards it. I needed coffee, I decided. Lots and lots of coffee.
By the time I had crossed the room and gotten to the door, my head, or the room, possibly both, were spinning and I clung to the door handle as I tried to breathe through it. I had to get out of that room. I was too exhausted to be anywhere near a comfortable bed.
“Where are you going, baby?” Dio asked as he came up behind me and placed a tentative hand at the small of my back supportively. “I can bring you whatever you need. You have to rest,” he told me.
I shook my head violently though. I was sick of resting. I was sick of lying there drowning in the haunting memories and terrorising flashbacks.
“Come on. Let’s just get you into bed, then….”
I slammed my hand against the door, which I leant against, as hard as I could, repeatedly, to stop Dio from talking, let alone leading me back towards that damn bed!
“Okay.” Dio stopped and turned to face me as I continued to bang, venting just a fraction of my anger and fear. “Cara, okay. Stop now. You’re going to hurt yourself,” he told me as he wrapped his arms around me, caging my own in his so I had to stop the banging.
My fear and anger were riding me too hard now though, so as he held me I fought to get free. I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to rage and lash out until the wave of emotion inside of me found some way out. It was building up and building up until I felt like I was vibrating with the force of it. All I wanted to do was rage – hit something, smash something. Just something to make it stop! To make it all stop!
Finally, Dio released me, afraid of me hurting myself. I stumbled back until I hit the bedroom wall, then I crumbled down it until I was on my knees on the ground.
My whole body was shaking violently and my jaw was clenched so tight I could hear my teeth grinding together. Tears filled my eyes and I was fighting to breathe through that feeling that was out of control inside of me.
The images started to play then. I saw Mikhail Kozlov point that gun at Arran and Cal, then turn just slightly as two shots rang out. Blood spread across Gia’s chest, then she dropped to theground, the sound of her hitting the concrete echoing through my thoughts. Her eyes on me. The hatred. The blame that it was my fault! She knew. She knew I caused everything and she died hating me.
“Don’t act like this isn’t what you’re good at, Cara!”Her hate filled words rattled through the memory.
I balled my hands into fists and started hitting the floor before me with everything I had. I smashed my fists down over and over again, so hard each hit rattled my entire body, but it wasn’t enough. The flashbacks played on. Men on top of me, tearing me apart. I felt the agony of them inside me, the rough hands pinning me down, and holding me brutally as they took what they want and enjoyed every moment of it.
“You’re used to being naked and on your back!”Gia screams at me, then I see her stood there, that hate filled smile on her face. The two shots ring out again, then the blood, and her eyes. The blame. The hate.
Images of that same blame in my mother’s cold eyes flash up too, then the men over me again. The stench of stale cigarettes as ragged breath brushes over my skin. The pain. Arran and Cal’s muffled rage and pain, and the banging of the metal chair legs on the concrete.
Two shots ring out again and I will myself not to look this time, but I do. Gia crumpling to the floor. Another monster on top of me, grabbing my thighs viciously as he rips me apart with a smirk on his face.
A scream tore from me, long and tortured. I couldn’t hold it in any more. The loss. The pain. The fear. It was too much and it wouldn’t stop. It would never stop.
“CARA?!” My eyes snapped open at the loud roar and I looked around, feeling disoriented and confused as Cal burst into the room, hopping on his good leg, moving without the crutches he was supposed to use. Dio was knelt on the carpet before me, not touching me and looking shaken.
