Page 140 of In My Heart
He stopped half way up the stair case to the third floor and turned to look at us all.
“I thought it was about time I made some changes. While I love having you all in this home with me, and am eternally grateful you agreed to stay with me for the time being, I thought you might also appreciate your own space,” Rafe began.
“We don’t need that, brother. We’re a family. We’re happy living here with you,” Dio commented and I nodded my head in thorough agreement.
“It makes sense. It’s the safest place for Cara to be,” Dante added, ever the pragmatist.
“I know and I agree. And I hope in giving you this space, I won’t lose your company at dinner and in our home, but I just wanted you to have options. With that in mind, I have had the two upper floors converted into somewhat of a duplex for you all.”
“Oh Rafe!” I cried excitedly as I pushed up onto my tiptoes to try and see the top of the stairs.
“It’s not as spacious or luxurious as I would wish you to have,Tesorino, but it is private and yours. I created a master bedroom of sorts, that can accommodate all of you if needed, but you also each have your own rooms too. There’s just one bathroom, but it’s a decent one, and the living space is bright and open. I furnished it with the help of my interior designer, but feel free to change anything you don’t like.” Rafe looked anxious as he went on, which was so unusual for him, I found myself smiling.
“I’m sure it’s perfect, Raffy. You didn’t have to do this,” I gushed as I smiled at him brightly, tears making my eyes glassy as I felt overwhelmed with emotion.
“I did it for you, mainly, Cara. I just want you to have as close to the normal life you crave, as I can give you.”
“I already love my life now, Rafe, even if it’s not exactly normal,” I told him firmly, wanting him to believe me.
He, like my guys, worried about me far too much, despite the fact he had to be able to see how much better I was doing in the last months. After everything that happened, after losing Gia, and what happened to me, I was pretty sure he would always worry though, and in part I knew that was my fault. I had flitted on the edge of some very dark thoughts since the moment he found me in Chicago. He’d found me non responsive in that bathtub the night after he saved me. I think he still feared I would get to that point again, and who could blame him for that? My mental health had been on one hell of a rollercoaster since he got me back.
“Normal’s boring anyway,” Cal said, making me smile.
I released Dante’s hand and climbed the few stairs separating me from my brother. When I got to his side, I encircled his waist with my arms and held him as I lifted my head to meet his eyes.
“You once asked me to make you a promise, and I couldn’t do it? Do you remember?” I asked him softly.
“Every damn day,Gioia Mia,” he told me roughly, his eyes fixed on mine and intense with emotion. “Your reply haunts me every time you’re out of my sight.”
“I know,” I whispered. “I’m sorry I put you through that, but I never make promises I can’t be sure I can keep, and back then…with everything we went through…I c-couldn’t be sure, Rafe. I was in a dark, terrifying place.”
“Christ Cara,” he uttered shakily. I was pretty sure he was holding back tears if the way he was blinking so fast was any indication.
“I’m not in that place any more though. I found the light I needed,” I went on, as I looked to the side and smiled softly to my guys – my light. “I found a safe place, here, with you. I got the help I needed and I’m healing now, getting stronger. I really think I am going to be okay; maybe even better than okay.”
“Of course you will be,” Dante cut in, sounding disgruntled that I even dare to doubt the idea.
I sniffled a laugh as I turned to him affectionately. He was staring me down, daring me to argue with him, and I loved it. I loved him.
“The point is…” I continued, looking up to Rafe again. “…I can be sure now. I can make that promise to you, big brother. I promise here and now that I’m not going anywhere, not by my own hand anyway, okay? Those thoughts, that misery, it doesn’t live inside me anymore. I promise I won’t hurt myself again.” I told him tearfully.
“Fuck,” Rafe exhaled. “I don’t think I fully realised how much I needed to hear that, Cara.”
“We all needed it, darlin’,” Arran sighed and my eyes shot to him, and then to the others, seeing relief on all of their faces. “Thank ye fer being brave enough to say it, and puttin’ a lot of our worries te rest fer us.”
“You were all still worried about that?” I asked, shocked.
“Of course we were, babe. We know how dark it can get in your head. It’s so much better now, but we still see snippets of it when you have nightmares, or get lost on us. The fear that one incident could just push you that bit too far, it’s had us all living in some level of terror,” Cal explained.
“I didn’t know,” I told them. “But I meant what I promised. I’m doing so much better. I mean…you’re right, the darkness is still in me, but I’ve learned to handle it. And when I can’t do it alone, when it’s too big or too strong, I don’t hide anymore. I find one of you, or I call you. I’m not fixed, but I’ve learned to live with my damage. I feel whole now, and I never did before.”
“You’re incredible, sweetheart. You’ve come through so much, and fought so hard to find yourself again. You amaze me, and I am so fucking proud of you,” Rafe gushed, while still holding me against him in an embrace.
“We all are, baby,” Dio added, making me blush fiery red. I hated compliments, not knowing what to do with them.
“Can we see the apartment now?” I asked, changing the subject fast.
“Yes, go ahead.” Rafe waved for me to go first, but before I passed him I stopped on the step above him and leaned in to kiss his cheek.
