Page 133 of In My Heart
“Me neither,” I agreed. “But I won’t stop training. I won’t stop preparing, just in case I ever am.”
“You never put yourself in a position like that again though. Promise me. No matter what the stakes, you never walk willingly into danger again, Cara. You have four men devoted to you, who can handle any situation that needs to be handled. You have a brother, who is a power player, who can face whatever arises. There’s no reason for you to walk into danger like that. Promise me you will never do it again!” he insisted, almost desperately.
“I don’t make promises I can’t keep, Cal.” I told him. “And I can’t promise you that, because there is nothing I wouldn’t do to save someone I love. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know if one of you - the men I love with every part of me - or any member of my family is ever under threat, I will walk right into danger if that’s what it takes to save them.”
“For fuck’s sake, Cara!” he cursed under his breath. “I just need you to always be safe.”
“And I want that too, for you, for me, and for everyone that matters to us, but there are no guarantees. All we can do is keep holding on, keep fighting, and stand together. That’s why I want to keep training. I want to be ready, as prepared as possible. I can’t promise to always be safe, but I can promise you that I will always do everything I can to come home to you though, Cal. To all of you.”
“And I can promise you that Dio will be finding you the best personal protection there is out there, to follow you at all times,because we cannot lose you. Do you understand that? We need you, and if you’re going to go on being stubbornly brave and headstrong, we are going to do everything in our power to ensure you are protected.”
“You shouldn’t worry so much,” I told him playfully, needing to lighten the mood and stop him looking so terrified. I hated it. “I’m basically unkillable at this point. More lives than a cat. I’m like a cockroach!” I announced animatedly.
“What the hell are ye bleatin’ on about now, lass?” Arran laughed as he walked back into the room to catch the tail end of that outburst.
“She’s trying to tell us how we don’t need to worry about protecting her, since she’s so unkillable,” Cal explained staidly, clearly not amused.
“Oh no!” Arran shook his head as he approached. “Dinnae even try that shit wi’ me. After this and everythin’ ye’ve been through since we found ye, ye will take the protection we swaddle ye in, and ye’ll no utter a bloody word of protest to it. Ye’ve been through far more than ye ever should have been, wee one. We’ll no’ let anything else happen te ye, no’ as long as we have a thing te do wi’ it,” Arran lectured flatly, laying down the law and daring me to argue.
“What he said,” Cal concurred with a dramatic nod.
“I wasn’t arguing,” I denied. “I’ll take the protection and be glad of it. I’m just saying, protection won’t guarantee safety, and if something happens, I won’t promise not to dive in, especially if it’s to help or protect one of you, or anyone I love.”
“Jesus wept. She’s tryin’ to scare us all inte early graves already,” Arran announced dramatically.
“I guess if you’re worried you’ll just have to keep training me, make sure I’m ready if the need ever arises.” I smiled at them both, feeling victorious.
“Aye, we’ll train ye, but ye’ll never be in another situation where ye need the skills. We’ll make fuckin’ sure of that,” Arran promised, almost like a pledge, like he fully believed he could stop me from ever facing danger again.
It was nice to think maybe he could, but life had taught me I could never fully believe in that. Life happened, good and bad. That was a fact. As was the knowledge that sometimes life smashed you in the face when you least expected it. I’d try to be ready in future, and live in the hope, but never the naïve belief, that life had given me all the knock down blows I had coming.
***
I was feeling hesitant as I stood outside the door of Dante’s private room at the clinic the next morning. I had been home to sleep the night before, too exhausted to stay at Dante’s side as I had wanted to. The rest had helped me some, but my sleep had been fitful, filled with flashbacks and nightmares of everything that had happened – so much blood and violence, fear, and pain.
I’d woken feeling stiff and in pain, but somewhat rested, at least compared to the day before. After a quick shower and change of clothes, I’d asked Dio to bring me straight back to the hospital. Cal had been kept in the night before for observation, and Arran had stayed with him, and I had been eager to see them both and to check on Dante, who was supposed to be waking up from his sedation early that morning.
I’d come straight to Dante’s room, most worried about him, but now I was unsure about going in there. Arran said Dante had woken up violently the day before and the thought ofthat happening again made me feel nervous. I wasn’t afraid, necessarily. Not of Dante. Not really. Except he did hurt me before…last time he was under the influence and out of control, and now he could wake up that way again, and if he hurt me…I wasn’t sure our relationship could ever recover from that, and it terrified me – the thought of losing him. Of having to let him go because I was unable to feel safe with him.
“What’s wrong,Piccola?” Dio asked from where he was at my side.
“Maybe I should check on Cal first?” I worried as I turned to him and leaned into him, resting my forehead against his chest. My head still hurt from the concussion, and my wrist throbbed, and that pain was making everything seem so much more daunting.
“Don’t you want to go in to Dante’s room? Are you afraid?” he asked knowingly. He settled his hand at the small of my back then cradled the back of my head with the other, and it felt so good.
“Nervous,” I admitted. “Arran said he woke up angry yesterday. After everything…”
“Sshh. You don’t need to explain. Let’s go and see Cal. You can stay with him and Arran while I talk to the doctors about Dante, alright?”
“Yeah. Okay.” I lifted my head and turned to move away from Dio reluctantly, but he moved with me and wrapped his arm tightly around me, pulling me close.
“I wish you would take some pain killers, baby. I can see that you’re in pain right now,” he told me.
“I don’t like to take anything, not after I started taking those drugs before. Whether I want to believe it or not, my mother’saddiction is in me, Dio. I have to be careful,” I reminded him tiredly.
“That’s not true. You were going through a hellish time, and you made a mistake. It wasn’t an addiction, Cara.”
“It could have become one though, if Arran didn’t find out, I could have taken that dark road. I won’t risk it again. I don’t even hurt that much.”
