Page 13 of In My Heart
“The therapist will either come to the house and see you there or do online sessions. I’m not sure I’ll be ready for you to leave the house for a while either,” Rafe agreed.
I’m afraid, Rafe. If I open the door to the past, it won’t close again, I know it. Closing that door is the only thing that has saved me for so long.
“I understand that, but I don’t think that door is closed, Cara. Your nightmares and your anxiety, they’re real and very much out in the open. I think your past, and everything bad that you’ve been through is like a swirling wave in that head of yours, and it’s trying to drown you. You have been so strong to hold it back for as long as you have, but it’s getting bigger, and I’m terrified one day you won’t be strong enough to push it back any more,” Rafe explained, and I knew he was right. That was what had happened in that hotel room just after I met him. The darkness had just become too much and I hadn’t had the strength to fight any more. I didn’t even want to try. I’d given up and almost ended my life.
How would I cope with the mess and fright of what I had just endured added into the mix of terror. How long before I didn’t feel strong enough to fight again? It was the fact that I started to ask myself if I wanted to try to fight at all, that scared me the most.
I lifted my head, my eyes glassy with tears. I gave Rafe a nod, knowing I had to try, for him if for no one else, but the fear didn’t leave me, and more tears came as I dropped Rafe’s phone and just collapsed against him.
“Thank you, sweetheart,” Rafe exhaled, as if he had been holding his breath awaiting my arguments. He held me in his arms and ran his hand up and down my back. “You’re not alone, Cara. I’m here for you. I’ll always be here when you need me. We’ll get through this.”
I so wanted to believe in his words, but how could I really? What had happened, in that warehouse - watching my sister be shot to death, what those monsters had done to me - it wasn’t anything I could just shove aside and overcome. It had been a breaking point for me, one I wasn’t sure I would ever come back from.
It was like my life had been one big game in which someone sent challenges to knock me down, just to see if I would get back up again. And I had. Again and again I had gotten back up, dusted myself off, taped apart what remained of myself and kept going, until the next challenge came to knock me on my arse again. With every fall I lost pieces of myself, but I still got back up. I still clung to the pieces of me that remained and continued on.
But that night, there was no getting up from that, and there were no pieces left to tape back together either. I just felt defeated, and done. So done with even trying. Only I had to now, because Rafe needed me to, but that wouldn’t make it any easier for me to do. It wouldn’t help me find a way to make myself stand when it felt like I didn’t have the will or strength to do so.
“Cara?” I lifted my head at the sound of Cal’s voice.
Rafe moved us so I could see him better, and I managed to calm a little when I saw Cal’s intense eyes awake and watching me. He was sitting up and wide awake now. His chest was bare and I could see his torso was black and blue with bruises. The cut on his head had been stitched and there was a dressing overit. Other than that, he looked like himself, albeit a little less groomed.
“Hey gorgeous,” he smiled when our eyes met, and it was what I needed, to see him being himself.
I sat up, ready to jump from the bed and get to him, but Rafe stopped me, tightening his grip around my waist enough to make me pause.
“Just calm down. If you want to go to Cal, I’ll help you. You’re too badly hurt and in too much pain to be throwing yourself around,” he lightly scolded.
I only needed to nod once before Rafe rose to his feet with me held gently in his arms. The movement still hurt, sharp pains shooting from my ribs and my centre, but I held back any reaction. All I wanted was to be with Cal after everything. I had been so sure I would lose him when that gun was held to his head.
“How is she? Did she see the doctor?” Cal asked.
“She’s in a lot of pain, and exhausted. The doctor gave her some pain medication, but she doesn’t seem to want to take any more,” Rafe explained as he moved over to where Arran sat at the side of Cal’s bed. “Are you sure you’re up to holding her? She needs to be still. She…she has a lot of stitches,” Rafe said the last so tensely I worried he’d damage his teeth.
Clearly he knew where I had stitches and why they had been needed. Just thinking about it had my stomach turning as nausea rose.
“I’m up to it, Rafe. I’ll take good care of her,” Cal promised, and the look he and my brother seemed to share was so much deeper than Cal promising not to jostle me too badly.
Did Rafe know I was in love with Cal? Was that him giving permission or something?
When Rafe seemed to hesitate I patted his arm to try and reassure him that being with Cal was not only what I wanted, but what I needed. He glanced to me with concern, but ultimately gave in and gently lowered me down until I was sitting in Cal’s lap. I lay my head against his chest and placed my hand over his pec, where I could feel his steady heartbeat. I couldn’t smell his aftershave or citrus shower gel, but somehow he still smelled like Cal and it relaxed me as I settled in against him.
“Ye alright, lad?” Arran asked from beside us.
“Much better now,” Cal told him as he wrapped his arm around my back to support me, and took one of my hands in his with the other.
“And you, wee one? Are ye comfortable there? Do ye need anything?” he fussed as he ducked down in the seat until his eyes met mine.
Instead of trying to reply, I reached my free hand out to him, and he caught on quickly, wrapping his own around it and clutching it tightly. I gave him a half smile, which was all I could manage right then.
He just watched me as he held my hand. I wished I could ask him to climb on the bed and hold me too. I wanted to be pressed between them both. But Rafe and Dio were still in the room, talking in the corner, and I wasn’t sure Rafe would handle two men being in bed with me well right then.
“You’re shaking so hard, Cara. Is that because of the pain you’re in?” Cal asked.
I just shrugged in reply, not knowing how to tell him I was pretty sure most of it was still shock or adrenaline, or maybe just the remaining terror of what had happened.
“How about we get ye some more pain relief, lass? Maybe you could sleep a little then? Ye look so tired,” Arran suggested softly.
I just shook my head and burrowed against Cal more, needing to be as close as I could get to him. I didn’t want to take any drugs that would knock me out. Getting trapped in a rerun style nightmare of what had happened was a terrifying prospect. I would rather handle the pain.
