Page 131 of Bone Deep
“Morning, Doc.” I'm glad my weekly session falls on Mondays—I need it after this weekend.
“How are things?”
I let out a cross between a sigh and a chuckle. Dr. Walker gives me a look that says, “Spill.” And spill I do, surprising even myself with the amount of information I unload at his feet. I tell him about everything that's been happening with Ryan, from the very beginning, up to the events of this past weekend and how I feel that I can't give Ryan what he needs. That I’m withholding something as simple as kissing—a casual act of intimacy I know most people find easy.
Walker chuckles. “That's a lot of information.”
I blow out a breath. “I'm sorry.”
He smiles. “I don't think I've ever seen you like this, Spencer.”
I run a hand down my face. “I know. I'm a bit of a mess.”
He shakes his head slightly. “Mm, not what I meant.”
I give him a puzzled look.
“I meant happy.”
I jolt a little. Walker chortles and says, “Don't get me wrong, there's a lot going on here. Yes, some of it is very difficult. Overall, though, there's an element of joy bubbling just under the surface and it's trying to break through.”
“I don't think joy and my name have ever been used in the same sentence, Doc.” I grumble.
He lets out a heartier laugh. “Bullshit.”
I tsk at the screen. “The language, Doc. My virgin ears.”
Walker smiles brightly, his eyes crinkling in the corner. “See. You just brought me joy. Are you writing in the self-reflection journal I gave you?”
I give him a crooked grin. “Mmmaybe?”
“I'll take that as a no,” he says. Then he continues, “Your first entry is going to be, 'I make people feel joy.' Can you write that in there for me?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Yeah, I guess. It will ruin my reputation if it ever got out, though.”
“You’ll survive. Let's dig deeper now.”
I nod.
“How do you feel your past experience is shaping your current relationships? Better yet, the possibility of deeper relationships.”
I swallow. I'm grateful for Dr. Walker and the years of helping me navigate everything that's fucked up in my head, but admittedly, like with everyone else, I've always held a bit back in our sessions. Haven't fully exposed myself. But I can no longer pretend that Ryan hasn't nuzzled his way under my skin and for the first time since Travis, I want to try. Ineedto try. I’ve never wanted to try this much before. I have to try for him.
“I'm scared.” I finally tell him.
Walker nods. “Of?”
I scratch my chin. “Of getting closer to Ryan.”
“Why?”
I shake my head. “I'm afraid I'll hurt him.”
He hums. “Interesting.”
“Interesting?” I fire back. “What does that mean? I hate when you do that,” but my tone is light and teasing.
Walker chuckles again. “It's interesting because typically someone with your past would primarily be concerned that they would be the one getting hurt.”
