Page 113 of Bone Deep
"Mom had gotten a job at a gas station, and I worked part time at a local taco shop after school." He's staring at his trembling hands now. "Neither of us made much, but it was enough to pay for a one room hellhole in a sketchy apartment building."
He stops, and the silence stretches, heavy and suffocating.
"It was a Wednesday afternoon." His voice has gone distant, hollow, and I know he's not here anymore, he's back there, in that place. "I flung open the door and called out for her. My body was vibrating with excitement."
A ghost of a smile crosses his face, there and gone. "I had been chosen to run all the costuming for the school's production of Gatsby. I'd always been drawn to fashion, and I knew the style from that era was dripping in sex and swagger. I couldn't wait to sink my teeth into it."
I can picture a little Spence. Young, bright and full of dapper dreams. I’m guessing that got derailed.
"A quick scan of the studio told me she wasn't home. Figuring she was at work; I pulled the bag I had picked up on my way home from school and went to put it away in the bathroom."
He swallows hard, his whole body going rigid. "I twisted the knob and pushed to open the door, but it only opened about an inch before it met resistance. I pushed harder and it nudged a little further. Something was blocking the door."
My heart is hammering now, dread pooling in my stomach, because I can see where this is going and I don't want to hear it, but I need to, I need to know everything that broke him.
"Using my shoulder, I heaved against the door, and that's when I found…it’s a sight that will forever be burned into my brain." His breath hitches, tears gathering in his eyes though he tries to blink them back. "A hand lay still on the floor. One final shove and I was able to get inside the bathroom. And then I fell to the floor screaming."
Tears are streaming down his cheeks now, silent and relentless, and he's not looking at me anymore, he's looking through me, back at that bathroom, at that horror.
"My mother's lifeless body was splayed across the dingy tile." Each word is wrenched from him, raw and bleeding. "Her lips were blue and several pill bottles were scattered around her." He's shaking now, his entire body trembling. "I pulled my phone out of my pocket, put it on speaker on the floor and called 911 while I started CPR."
He stops, and the silence is absolute, broken only by his ragged breathing.
"But I knew," he whispers, and the grief in those three words destroys me. "I already knew."
“Spence—”
He holds up a hand. “It’s not what you think.”
My brows shoot up, confused, but I let him continue.
“She had a heart attack, Ryan. She was looking for her medication.”
My heart sinks.
Spence’s fingers claw at his jeans. “That’s what was in the bag I was taking into the bathroom. I took her pill bottle with me to get her refill. There was one pill left in the bottle I took.”
Fuck.
“I killed her, Ryan. I killed—” a blood-curdling sob rips out of him before he can finish saying the words.
I'm across the room in a heartbeat, kneeling down in front of him, my hands finding his knees, his thighs, rubbing soothing circles through the denim. "Spence," I choke out, my own vision blurring. "No. No, Spence, no. You didn’t. There’s no way you could have known. You don’t even know it would have made a difference."
He doesn't look at me, just keeps staring at some point over my head, tears still flowing like he doesn't even feel them anymore.
"Between my dad, my mom, and Travis," he finally says, voice broken, each word trembling with the weight of years spent alone, "I've either been displaced for who I am, left because that person couldn't choose me, or left alone because life decided to fuck me."
He finally looks down at me, eyes red-rimmed and swimming with tears, and his face etched with a loneliness so profound it makes my chest ache. "I've been on my own ever since. Tyler's the exception, but even with himI keep myself guarded. I have to." The admission seems to cost him something, his shoulders curling inward like he's bracing for me to confirm his fears, to prove that everyone eventually leaves.
"I understand now," I tell him, my voice breaking. "I understand your hesitations, why you guard yourself. God,Spence, I understand so much better now." I squeeze his legs, willing him to feel my presence, my solidity, my refusal to let him carry this alone. "I'm not going anywhere. You hear me? I'm not going anywhere."
I frame his face in my hands, willing him to feel the truth of my words through my touch. "I'm not going anywhere, Spence. I need you to hear me. I'll be as patient as you need me to be. However long it takes. I'm right here."
Spence smiles through the tears as I wipe them from his face with my thumbs. He nods and weakly says, “Thank you.”
Giving him a soft smile, I lighten my voice and tease, “God. What a Debbie Downer you are. We need to lighten the mood with the next questions.”
He lets out a surprised, but real, laugh. “Well, go on then, asshole.” The smile he gives me is full of silent gratitude and it completely undoes me.
