Page 103 of The List
She gasped, covering her mouth. Her voice was barely audible, but he heard her. “You got Knox’s tattoo! It’s beautiful.”
One by one the brothers checked it out. Ace was last in line and gave it a quick once over. He nodded at Cross and walked away. Approval.
Addison made her way over to him, looking more at ease from when they walked in.
She gestured to her neck. “So I don’t have to get it blacked out?”
“Not unless you leave me.”
Strings were attached but he didn’t expect an opposition on her end. And he didn’t get any.
“I need to cancel my flight.” She smiled. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Then you get to keep it forever.” He brushed his lips against her mouth, pulling her against his chest.
Killcreek was changing.
And maybe that’s not a bad thing.
Chapter Nineteen
Cross had become a fixture at her place for the last couple of days, spending every night in her bed.I’m not complaining.They’d talked a lot more about Knox. He shared countless stories. As did Cleo. Many made her laugh, a few warmed her heart, and a lot of them made her blush. It was strange to have a connection to someone feel so strong even though she had never met him. She didn’t even know Knox except through the stories of others.And of course, the heart beating in my chest.
Addison was at the kitchen sink rinsing a peach when Cross walked into the room and sat at the table.
“Tell me about Knox’s list.”
Addison froze, glancing out the window into the yard. Up until now, the subject hadn’t come up again since Cross had initially confronted her. A week had passed and she pushed it to the back of her mind. His question had come out of nowhere, but it shouldn’t have come as a surprise. Of course, there would be some curiosity. It was to be expected.
She drew in a breath. “What do you want to know?”
“Why?”
Cross had been open with her about Knox. It was only fair she do the same.
She turned around to face him. “When I was being prepped for surgery, I had this nurse. Andrea. Very sweet, and apparently really good at reading people. It was like she knew something was off with me that went beyond nerves. She was pretty insistent I share. So I did.” She grasped the counter behind her. “She had this amazing way of looking at organ donors. Butsomething she said stuck with me. ‘Do all the things he never got to do’. I know it was metaphoric, and she didn’t mean I should fulfill his bucket list. But I wanted to do something for Knox, so I could…” Addison caught herself. It was an admission she’d never vocalized. To anyone.
“What?”
Say it. Tell him.Her eyes welled, and she looked up at the ceiling, inhaled a deep breath, and whispered. “So I could earn it.”
There was a small stretch of silence.
“Earn what?”
She glanced over. “His heart.”
Cross knitted his brows, scanning her face.
“Being on the waitlist for an organ donor is basically, the end of the line. Desperation in its truest form. Every other alternative has been exhausted. It’sthisor nothing. Your existence is reduced to a number, on a list that requires a match.” Addison dug her nails into the counter. “I didn’t get Knox’s heart because I’m worthy or special. I didn’t do anything to earn it. I was a match, Cross. That’s it. He had to die in order for me to live.” She wiped her cheek, brushing away the tear. “I thought coming here and meeting Cleo would give her solace. But that wasn’t the only reason. I thought I’d find redemption. I thought if I gave her this, that the guilt would lessen. But you know what? It didn’t. It made it worse, in a way. Because I got a front row perspective of how much she misses him, how much you all do.” She choked on her final words. “How much you all lost when Knox died.”
He stood up and walked over to her, grasping her face in his hands. “Knox’s death has nothing to do with you. His heart living on isyours, but not his death.”
“But I’m here because he isn’t. The therapist says it’s normal to feel this way. It’s part of the process. But when does it end?”
“When you let it go. So let it fucking go, baby.” He caressed his thumbs over her cheeks, wiping away her tears. “I knew Knox better than anyone, and I know he wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your life carrying this. Or me carrying my own shit.”
She sniffled. “I’m sorry you lost him.”
