Page 92 of Bound Enemies
What did she expect me to do by telling me that? She knew what I would say. She knew that I had only the truth to give her, and so here I am again, hurting someone with the truth, the way I always hurt people with the truth. The way I always hurt people, full stop.
She said she wanted nothing from me, but I know she does. I could see the pain in her eyes when I told her that there was no way I could love her back, that I wouldn’t.
If you don’t care about her, then why are you so angry?
I reach the other end of the room, and turn around again, pacing back the other way.
I’m angry because I was enjoying our time together. I was enjoying helping her decide on her course of study, and holding her in my arms every night. Enjoying sitting at the dining table just talking, and knowing that she’d be here when I got home from a long night in the lab, and seeing her smile and knowing it was for me.
I liked it, and I didn’t want it to end. But she spoiled everything, she broke everything.
She didn’t break anything. She told you the truth, and you didn’t like it.
Of course I didn’t like it. We couldn’t continue if she was in love with me. I’d only end up causing her pain, and I’m tired of causing people pain. The only solution is to cut love out, since love is the issue. It’s a research problem with the simplest answer.
Except you can’t do that with your child.
That’s the one exception. I can’t not love them or cut it out of any relationship I have with them. Biology prevents it, and that’s something I’ve accepted. Just as I’ve accepted that loving my parents is part of biology…it’s not something that can be helped.
But biology has nothing to do with my relationship to Beatrix, and so I chose to make love no part of it.
Except I can’t stop seeing the tears in her eyes as she told me she loved me. Or the way her chin lifted as she told me that her feelings weren’t my responsibility, that they were hers. The determination that filled her when she said it was fine if I didn’t love her, that she didn’t need me to love her back…
Sheshouldhave someone to love her back, though. She deserves it. She should have the family she always wanted, with a husband who loves her the way she should be loved.
My heart beats faster as I reach the wall and then turn yet again, pacing another length of the room. Because the truth is I can’t stand the idea of her finding another man, another husband. Of that glow in her eyes when she looks at me being there for someone else. Giving her smiles and her passion to someone else. Her fire and spark and wit to someone else. Her bravery to someone else…
This is an impossible problem and it has no solution.
Either I keep her with me, and hurt her terribly, or set her free to find someone else, and suffer the jealousy that will tear me apart.
There is another answer.
I stop dead in the middle of the room, my breathing coming faster and faster. Thereisanother answer, another solution, and even though it’s not something I ever wanted, I can’t help thinking about it all the same.
I could love her back.
But love is painful and uncertain, and it can’t be trusted. Love doesn’t make anyone happy and it’s never enough in the end. Certainly, it was never enough for either of my parents, yet…
She loves me. After everything I’ve done to her…reviled her, got her pregnant, dragged her here to Paris even though she didn’t want to come, married her… After all of that…
I wanted you to know that you have someone who loves you. Someone who doesn’t expect anything from you except to be the person you are…
Something takes hold of me, squeezing my ribs so tight I can barely breathe. I never knew what more I could do to get my father to forgive me, and I never knew what more I could do for my mother to make her happy. Who would want someone like that? Who couldlovesomeone like that?
Apparently Beatrix does. She loves the man I am, despite my very real and extensive flaws. I’ve never hidden them from her, not ever. She knows full well the extent of my arrogance and my pride, and my jealousy.
And she loves you anyway.
I look down at the floor, at the remains of my plan scattered there. A plan I spent hours over and loved every second of it, and ripped apart in a moment of rage. While she…calmly told me to let her know if I’d be around for dinner.
She should leave me, go and find someone else who isn’t this jealous or difficult, someone easier than I am…
You don’t want her to do that though.
My hands curl into fists at my sides. No, I don’t want her to do that. I want her to stay. I want all her smiles and her laughter. I want her passion at night and the way she screams my name. I want her cool blue gaze to douse the fires of my anger. I want her to curl up in my arms with our child. I want her to tell me again and again that I’m enough.
I want her.
