Page 91 of Bound Enemies
‘And what? That doesn’t matter to you?’
I have to be truthful here, too. ‘Yes, it does. But if you can’t love me back, that’s fine too.’
He’s breathing faster now, fury in his eyes and all of it directed at me. ‘How could you do this? What we had was good. Planning for the baby and—’
‘We can still have that,’ I interrupt. ‘Nothing has to change.’
‘Yes, it does,’ he argues. ‘Of course it does. How can we go on with this when you love me and I don’t love you? How can you not be hurt by this?’
I lift my chin. ‘My feelings are not your responsibility, Santiago. And I’m not apologising for them, either. If I tell you that nothing has to change, then it won’t.’
He stares at me. ‘And if I don’t want you any more? What then?’
I know he’s being deliberately blunt, deliberately honest, but it feels as if he’s tearing strips from my soul. I didn’t realise it would hurt like this. ‘I don’t know,’ I say honestly. ‘This was never going to be permanent anyway, right? That’s what you told me. You made that very clear.’
He blinks, as if this is a shock to him. ‘You can’t stay here, Beatrix,’ he says. ‘We can’t be here, not together.Ican’t be here.’
Another arrow hits me in the chest, another pain to add to all the rest, but all I do is nod. ‘If you can’t, then you can’t. But you don’t have to leave. This is your home. I’ll go back to the hacienda.’
His dark eyes rove over me, the lines of his face hardening as he retreats from me once again, safe in his scientist persona. ‘No,’ he says curtly. ‘I don’t want you going back there. You will have the baby here as planned.’
‘Okay,’ I say simply, a certain resolution hardening inside me, too. I can’t reach him with argument, I know that. I can’t reach him with demands, either, since that’s all his parents ever did, argue and demand. Going back to the hacienda won’t work, since that’s akin to leaving him, and I’m not going to leave him. He needs someone who’ll stay, even if he’s angry, even if he’s cruel. He needs to know that someone loves him, despite all his thorns, and in spite of his fear, since that’s slowly becoming apparent to me now.
He’s afraid. He’s afraid and he’s pushing me away. But he won’t be able to do that. I’m more stubborn than he is, and love has only intensified that stubbornness. I won’t let him distance me, I won’t.
‘Okay?’ he says, as if he’s never heard the word before. ‘That’s all you have to say?’
‘Yes,’ I say, then turn for the door. ‘If you’re not going to be here for dinner, let me know so I can tell Helene.’
Then, without another word, I leave the room and close the door quietly behind me.
Chapter Twenty
Santiago
I turn fromthe whiteboard and pick up the eraser, angrily removing all trace of the equations on it. Again. I’ve done this so many times already in the past few days, and I’m tired of it. But my brain can’t seem to make the connections I need it to, and I don’t know why.
Tossing the eraser negligently down on the couch I’ve been sleeping on, I walk over to the windows and gaze out of them.
No, I know why I can’t work. I’m too furious, both at Beatrix and at myself.
After she walked out of the guest bedroom, I tore up the plan I’d made for the nursery in a fit of rage and scattered the pieces on the floor. Then I left the house, because I couldn’t stay in it, not with Beatrix being in such close proximity. She was too much of a temptation, and I’m too weak when it comes to her. I had to put some distance between us, because I couldn’t bear to hurt yet another woman, no matter that she said that her feelings weren’t my responsibility. I intended to stay at the office for as long as it took me to formulate some kind of idea about what to do next, yet I’ve been here for a few days now and I’ve yet to decide on anything.
One thing is becoming certain though: I have to go back to the house to pick up some papers and a research report that I left in the bedroom. I’ve got plenty of staff to do that for me, of course, but the report is confidential, and I don’t trust anyone to get it without looking at it. Scientists are very jealous of their secrets, and I’ve had it happen a few times before where my research has been leaked to a competitor.
I turn from the view of Paris and call for a car. It’s unfortunate to be returning to the house with Beatrix still there, but it can’t be helped. I need the report, and with any luck she’ll be out, so I won’t run into her. Not for my sake, naturally—I’m mostly fine—but for hers. I don’t want to cause her any unnecessary pain.
All the pain you caused her was unnecessary.
I ignore the thought, busying myself until the car comes. The trip home is spent on the phone, and when I get there I let myself in and go swiftly up the stairs to the bedroom.
Yet as I pass by the guest bedroom door, something tugs at me. A pain that’s been there since I left, one I can’t ignore, and so before I can stop myself I open the door and step into the room.
The first thing I see are the pieces of my plan scattered on the floor, and the sight of them makes the memory of her turning around and walking out return with painful clarity. Which then makes me furious all over again.
How could she do this to me? How could she fall in love with me when I specifically told her that love wouldneverbe a part of our marriage? And then to have the gall to tell me as if it was somethinggood…something Iwantedto hear.
I find myself pacing down one end of the room, before turning around and pacing back.
