Page 158 of A Diamond Deal
His nostrils flared as he expelled a breath. Fierce and sharp, full of rejection. ‘You are unlike anyone I’ve ever known,’ he said, finally, but even then, the words were laced with a dark anger. ‘If anyone was going to make me forget, it would be you. But I have lived with this a long time. Longer than you can image. I will never allow love to weaken me again,cara. Not for you, not for anyone. If you love me, if you understand me, then you’ll know I’m telling the truth.’
Another sob bubbled up inside her then, because he was right. He was being honest, and she knew that. In a million years, Massimiliano Moretti would never change. Not for her, nor for anyone, just as he’d said.
‘I’ll organise a car to take you to the airport.’
‘Don’t tell me what to do, where to go.’
‘It’s your life,’ he pointed out.
But she rejected that, with a deep sense of despair. Since she was a little girl, she’d had one clear idea of what she wanted. To be a doctor; to make people better. But how much of that came from trauma? How much of her aspiration was really the result of a little girl who’d known loss and felt powerless to help?
And then, she’d met Massimiliano, and parts of her had healed without her realising it, so she wondered if what really needed fixing, all this time, was herself. It didn’t mean she wouldn’t pursue medicine, it just meant it was no longer the sole aspiration in her life. It no longer felt like her purpose for being.
Because there was Massimiliano as well, and this marriage they’d been creating. But was it all a fake? Was he right?
She shook her head, silently rejecting that, but her fingers toyed with the ring she wore and a lightning bolt of clarity split through her.
‘It’s all fake to you,’ she whispered, blinking across at him. ‘Just like this.’ She slid the cut-glass ring from her finger and held it out towards him.
He shook his head once. ‘Please, keep it.’
‘I don’t want it.’
‘Keep it, in case we need—’
‘To keep fooling everyone?’ she said, in a manic sense of disbelief. Even then, he was being pragmatic, thinking about their fake marriage. He was letting her go, but still clinging to the idea of this. The charade, as he’d called it.
‘Fine.’ She pushed it onto her finger as her stomach rolled with pain.
‘I never wanted to hurt you,’ he said, quietly. ‘This was not my plan.’
‘Yeah, well, life doesn’t always go according to plan, Massimiliano.’
‘I’m aware of that.’
‘You just have to roll with it. So what if this turned out to be more than either of us expected? So what if we fell in love—’
‘That’s not—’ He cut himself off with a curse, then strode across the room, pulling her into his arms. ‘That’s not what this is.’ And he kissed her, hard, passionately, his body melding to hers, big and strong, so her insides hammered and her heart thumped hard to her ribs. Her hands curved around his back on autopilot, and she tasted salt in her mouth from the tears that were in freefall.
‘That,’ he said, pulling up from her, ‘is what you’re mistaking for love.’
She shook her head quickly.
‘You have never been with a man. You are overwhelmed by the sex, nothing more.’
‘How dare you?’ she spat, pushing him away then, stepping back at the same time. ‘Don’t tell me what I feel. Don’t tell me I’m not smart enough to know the difference between sex and love.’
‘With all due respect, how could you have any idea?’
Her lips parted on a rush of air.
‘You have been so starved of love, you are desperate to find it here, now, with me,’ he said, cutting her deep. Because on the one hand, he was right. Her mother’s desertion had starved her of maternal love, and then her father’s death had left her completely alone. But he was also wrong, because, before that, her father had adored her, and she’d known the uncomplicated sense of security that came from understanding herself to be safe in someone’s heart space.
‘I was right before,’ she whispered. ‘You are such a coward. Not only do you refuse to admit how you feel, you can’t face up to the reality of whatIfeel, and, worse, you’re using what you know of my life against me, trying to make out I’m some damaged little orphan that couldn’t possibly know real love.’ She sucked in a ragged breath. ‘Well, you can try to make yourself feel better by saying I’m misreading what I feel, but you’re wrong. You’re so damned wrong. This is love. All-consuming, heart-filling love.’ She stalked back towards him then, jabbing a finger in his chest. ‘And whatever happens in your life, when you’re old and lonely and thinking about things, I hope you look back on this night and realise you had a chance to do something real and meaningful. That you had a chance to live a life that was full of significance and love, but that you were too scared. I hope you feel the weight of this decision for the rest of your goddamned life, Massimiliano, because letting me go is the biggest mistake you’ll ever make.’
And she stalked out of their room, dashing away her tears as she looked around blindly for her handbag.
‘Where are you going?’ he asked, right behind her, voice satisfyingly raw and husky.
