Page 127 of A Good Marriage
I knew if I sent her a couple texts she’d go home. I just wanted her to see that she needed me. I thought if I created a little situation where Amanda got scared, I could take off and then come right back to her rescue. Luckily, I happened to have a few things with me in my gym bag that I could use so she wouldn’t know it was me. That’s what I mean—obviously I thought she’d be fine after. Otherwise why would I care if she knew it was me?
None of it happened the way it was supposed to, though. Amanda completely freaked out. Started hitting me. We were on the stairs at the time. I had to defend myself. And then she just fell. It was an accident. She hit her head on the railing. And then she came to and stood up and slipped. She hit her head again on the stairs. That kept happening. A bunch of times. Until finally she stopped moving. There was so much blood everywhere.
I panicked and ran. I was going to call an ambulance but all I could think about was my family. I really do love Sarah more than anything. I haveneverbeen unfaithful to her. Unlike Sebe and all the other guys who go to that swapping party, I would never have sex with another woman.
After I left Amanda’s house, I ran toward the park to pull myself together. That was when I saw Amanda’s earring hooked on my sleeve and some blood on the back of my hand. I was careful to walk around everything, but I must have brushed the wall trying to get down the stairs. My friend was still passed out. I could see him up ahead, his leg hanging over the end ofthe bench. So I stuck Amanda’s earring in his pocket, and put a little blood on his shoe. I was panicked like I said, not thinking clearly. And he didn’t do it anyway. I knew the police would figure that out eventually. All I could think about was my family. And doing what I had to, to protect them.
The above statement was given freely and voluntarily by me. I have read the above statement and it is true and correct to the best of my knowledge.
Lizzie
JULY 15, WEDNESDAY
Sam was waiting outside Young & Crane’s office building when I finally got back from Rikers. He had a small duffel bag on the bench next to him. Sunglasses on, his face turned toward the setting sun. He’s leaving me, I thought.
Sad. That was how I felt. Sad that Sam wanted to leave. Sad that I knew it might not be the worst thing for either one of us. Where could we possibly go from here? So much damage done. Sam had admitted he could have been unfaithful. I had believed him capable of murder. I’d been desperate to prove it wasn’t true, sure. But I had entertained the possibility. And what of the things I had done? All the times I had turned a blind eye to Sam’s drinking under the guise of loving him. Not to mention all my own lies.
I sat down next to Sam. I closed my eyes, too, and turned my own face toward the sun. We sat there like that, side by side in the glow. Silent, for a long time. Finally Sam reached over and took my hand.
“Going somewhere?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said. “It’s ninety days to start. That’s the minimum.”
I opened my eyes and turned to look at him. “Really?”
“It’s all arranged. I called my mom. She’s paying. And, you know, she was surprisingly kind about it. In that noncommittal way of hers. Not sure she’ll actually tell my father. But maybe that’s for the best,” Sam said. He sighed. “I’m sorry it took me so long. I’m sorry … about everything.”
I squeezed Sam’s hand. “Me too.”
“I’m going to fix this,” Sam went on. “Or at least, I’m going to fix me. I promise.” Sam hesitated, looked down. “I promise to try.”
My throat felt tight. “You know, you’re not the only one who’s made mistakes.”
Sam turned to look at me. “What do you mean?”
The full story about my dad was too much to explain in that moment, and there was so much I hadn’t decided—how much I owed my dad, how much I owed myself. But I had no doubt anymore that a lie of omission was a lie all the same. And I wasn’t lying anymore, not to anyone.
I shook my head. “It’s not something about us. It’s about my family, but it’s something you have a right to know. That youhada right to know, from the start. Especially because it’s been with us this whole time. It’ll keep, though, I promise. What matters now is that you get better. You need to focus on that,” I said. “Just know that I’m not perfect either. I never have been.”
We were quiet once more.
“Do you think if I do this, if Icando this, it’ll be enough?” Sam asked.
For us to make it, he meant. And so I searched his eyes for a future neither of us could possibly see. Then I did the only thing that felt right: I leaned forward and kissed him. And I told him the truth.
“I hope so.”
