Page 100 of The Man Next Door
If that’s the case, why is he doing this? It doesn’t make sense.
“Are you married?” I ask. I have no other explanation.
He shakes his head. “No,” he tells me. “You know me… I’m an artist, a wanderer, a modern gypsy… never in the same place too long.” And then, almost as an afterthought, he adds, “I do love you… always…”
Then why are you breaking me?
He rises and kneels in front of me. He takes my hand tenderly and it hurts. It hurts because I know this will be the last time I will feel his skin on mine. “I love you, Abby. Don’t ever think I didn’t love you.”
My eyes well up, and despite the fact that I rarely cry in front of others, a tear curves around my cheek and finds its way to my lips. I taste my own pain as he presses a goodbye kiss on my forehead. When he rises slowly and turns from me, my whole body aches. I watch him, completely numb, as he walks slowly out of my loft. And out of my life.
Hours later, I’m still numb. I haven’t moved from my sofa for hours. I’m not hungry, not tired… just confused and completely wrecked. I’ve gone through four of the five stages of grief in a matter of hours. First there was denial.This isn’t happening? We’ll get back together. There must be an explanation.Then came anger.How dare him just break it off like that with no proper explanation, leaving me to wonder what the hell I did wrong. Then came bargaining when I considered rushing to his place and throwing myself at him, begging him to take me back. But I was much too proud for that.
Now I’m at depression and nostalgia. I don’t want to say goodbye. I know I’ll miss him too much. I can’t imagine my life without him.
I’ll miss everything about him, from his sweet playful smile to the delicious peanut butter and banana sandwiches he used to make me. I’ll miss the way he always played with a strand of my hair when we watchedThe Walking Dead. I think it comforted him in some way. I smile at the memory of him covering his eyes at the gory scenes. He was so sensitive.
I thought I’d finally found my soulmate. Not since Gavin, have I felt this connected to another human being, felt as though we belonged together.
And I’ll definitely miss the way my body responded to his, the way it lit up at the feel of his touch. He burned a fire in me like no one ever has, no one since Gavin. And I’ll miss the sound of his music, always present, the songs on his lips, the sound of his beautiful soft voice.
He was always smiling, always singing. I desperately needed that in my life. How could I ever replace him? He says that I’ll find someone to love me soon enough, but I know I won’t. I loved everything about him, everything but the parts he hid from me… the secrets.
The secrets he couldn’t share.
I hate those secrets with a passion I didn’t even know I possessed.
I hate them because they broke us.
