Page 73 of The Girl He Loves
“Maybe that’s the appeal,” he says.
“Maybe…” Perhaps it’s the reason I’m drawn to him too. He and Brian are so different.
His eyes are full of sorrow when he looks at me again. “I’m sorry, Mischa. I shouldn’t have done that. I’ve never done that before. I should have never put you in that position. I know you’re happily married. I was a dick.”
I reach for his hand and take it in mine. “No, you weren’t. You’re upset, and you know that I like you. You and I have been all over each other, spending way too much time together. This was bound to happen. Webothlet it happen. It was just a moment of weakness.”
He smiles. “You’re too sweet.”
“So I’ve been told.”
He tears his hand from mine, very gently. “You’re right… you and I… we should probably back off a little.”
His words break me, and I hate hearing them, but he’s absolutely right. What are we doing?
“I think you should talk to Renee,” I suggest. “Reallytalk it out… and Ava too.”
He shakes his head. “I tried. I tried to talk to Ava. She won’t let me in.”
I feel so bad for him. I wish I could help. Maybe she won’t talk to him because she doesn’t want to hurt him. But would she possibly talk to me?
I need to find out.
* * *
Dr. Russellnever looks at me disapprovingly. She never judges — I suppose it’s her job not to. But I swear I can detect a whisper of judgment tracing her features as I tell her all about my almost-kiss with Joel. She recrosses her legs, and her gaze darts across the room for a second or two before falling back on me.
“But I did the right thing,” I tell her. “I stopped it. I told him we’d gotten too close, and that was why we found ourselves in that situation. He agreed.”
“Yes, you did the right thing,” she agrees. “It sounds like you’re very aware. You know that actions don’t come out of the blue. They’re sparked by repeated emotions and repeated thoughts. And these past few weeks have thrown a lot of emotions at you two.”
I sit up straighter on the slick leather sofa. I stare at the empty space next to me, and wonder if Brian should be sitting there. “Yes, definitely.”
She jots down a few notes in her notepad. “Did you two agree to distance yourselves?”
“Well, we didn’t come up with a plan or anything, but the only time we used to see each other was at the yoga class we were taking together, and I’ve stopped going.” I’ve stopped going out to yoga all together, but I don’t tell her that. I just can’t find the energy. I’m emotionally exhausted and all I want to do is lay down and ruminate. This is very unlike me — I’m usually so disciplined, but I’ve still been obsessed with him and his family. I’ve regressed and am still creeping their social media. I so desperately want to reach out to Ava. I want to help her.
“We haven’t contacted each other since the almost-kiss,” I tell her. “Which was four days ago.”
“That’s good. And you haven’t been looking at his social media,” she says, not so much a question, but a statement.
An incorrect statement.
I don’t say anything. I can’t even look at her. I’ve never been a good liar.
“Mischa,” she says. There’s a hint of frustration in the way she says my name, slowly and extensively. “You haven’t fallen back into old habits, have you?”
I raise my gaze to hers. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it. When I told myself that I wouldn’t see him anymore, I needed a bit of him. And when I started with him, I naturally found my way to his wife and daughter.”
Dr. Russell nods quietly. “I understand. We’ll have to start again from square one. It is imperative that you stay away from their social media. The sooner you do that, the sooner you will distance yourself from them. What you really need to focus on at the moment is forgiving your husband. The both of you need to discuss this at length, come up with a plan to move forward.”
I nod obediently, all the while thinking…Easier said than done.
“Do you have the urge to go see Joel?” she asks me. “To reach out to him?”
“No, not really,” I reply honestly.No, I have the urge to go see his daughter, to reach out toher.
I know I should say the words out loud but I don’t of course. I know therapy is so much more effective when there is complete transparency and you are fully open and honest with your therapist. I just don’t want to upset her further, I don’t want to feel like a scolded child. Besides, I know exactly what she will say. She will tell me that it is imperative that I stay away from Ava. And I really don’t want to hear those words.
