Page 102 of One Week
It sounds so easy, but I’m pretty sure it won’t be that simple.
Chapter Forty-Four
Life goes on…I keep telling myself.
THE DAYS GO ON very much like they used to. John is sleeping in the guest room again, but I still make him his coffee and oatmeal in the morning. He makes us smoothies, a simple one for me. His is full of whey powder and all kinds of stuff which tastes horrible. We exchange a few words over lunch, and discuss the kids’ activities and schedules. I tell him we’re having roast chicken for dinner tonight.
And all the while, I know that he’s communicating with her, that he’s making plans with her, quietly hatching out his escape plan. He’s packing boxes, shopping for apartments, and probably furniture too.
And all the while, I can’t stop thinking about Eli. I know we’ve said goodbye, and I know I can’t exactly fly off to Copenhagen and live happily after. But I can’t help it… he’s in my pores.
* * *
I set down my paint brush, and sip my coffee. I know I’ve been stalling. I know I need to do this, and now is the time.
I wash my brushes and wipe my hands. I pick up the phone with a heavy heart. My hands tremble.
“Hello,” a kind voice answers. “Sarah Madison speaking.”
“Yes, Sarah,” I start, unsure. “My name is Gabriella Moore, and your sister, Kayla, gave me your number.” I’m so nervous, I feel sick.
“Yes, Gabriella,” she says. “I’ve been expecting your call.”
Sarah Madison has the kind of voice that makes you feel instantly at ease, just like her sister. The conversation is not too long, yet she manages to calm me, and make me believe that everything will turn out just fine. We agree to meet at her office the following Monday. The process has officially begun. I can’t turn back now.
This is really happening.
* * *
I’m drinking coffee and eating a banana when I cave. It’s all the banana’s fault. I eat bananas every morning, and when I start to peel this one, I notice that it has two dark spots which kind of look like eyes. It reminds me of Eli’s silly banana doodles, and my heart aches as I remember all the laughs, and all the sweet moments we’ve shared.
This isn’t even about the sex, which I think about plenty, usually when I’m in bed at night. I replay and replay every beautiful moment we’ve shared as I slide my hands over my body, imagining that they’re his.
It happens so fast, I don’t even have time to stop myself. I pick up my phone, tap on my Gmail app, on the little pencil icon, and tap in the first two letters of his name in theTo:line. It’s that easy. I know I’d told myself that it was over between us, but I just need him to know.
I tap feverishly because I know if I stop and think about it, even for a second, I won’t send this message. And I really want to send this message. I desperately want to reach out to him.
Dear Eli,
I know I’ve said we should never communicate again. I was trying to protect the both of us, me especially, and my marriage.
I want you to know that you mean the world to me, and the week we shared was the most amazing week of my life. I’ll never ever forget you, and all those special moments.
You were not an escape, you were not an adventure, not a midlife crisis, not a payback plan. You were just someone I fell in love with. Someone I’m still in love with. Someone I’ll probably always love. You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, inside and out.
I’m not sure if you’ll ever get to read this message. I’ve asked you to remove me from your life, and knowing you, you have done exactly as I’ve asked because you care about me, about my marriage.
I also wanted to let you know that I’ve left John — our marriage is over. I thought that you might know this if you ever stalk my social media accounts. I didn’t want you to think it was your fault. It wasn’t. Our marriage was over long before I met you, Eli. You just helped me see that it was broken. With you, I’ve experienced love again, and now I can see that it doesn’t exist anymore between John and me. I was blind before I met you. I see so much more clearly now.
I wish you the best, Eli. You deserve everything and more. I hope that you find someone worthy of you, and have sweet children — I think you’d make a great dad! And I hope you keep creating beautiful art until your dying day.
I love you, Eli. Forever.
Gabriella
P.S. I promise to keep painting, always. And whenever I eat a banana, or see a scooter on the road, or a beautiful work of glass, I’ll think about you.
My finger shakes as I press on the Send arrow. I drop my phone back on the table. I’m breathless and my pulse is racing. I fear my heart might leap out of my ribcage.
