Page 34 of Scrubbing In
Definitely not a fan of making my own coffee. Zero out of ten, do not recommend.
I’d so easily gotten used to a fine-as-hell, gorgeous surgeon spoiling me. Now my boring drip coffee with regular creamer just isn’t cutting it.
Sullenly, I clock in and grab a set of scrubs.
When he showed up with coffee that first morning—my go-to coffee order—I couldn’t bring myself to deny it. Or him. So, I soaked up his attention each morning, just the two of us in the quiet of the almost empty OR before it’s bustling with activity. I enjoyed being the sole focus of his appreciative stare. It may have only been a week of seeing Julian each morning but, based on the ache in my chest, I'm already missing him. The deep timber of his voice, the warmth of his body as he stood close. Even how I had to look up at his much taller frame or how he’d do that hover-crouch maneuver to bring himself down closer to my level.
Ugh! I miss it all, even if it was just yesterday when I saw him last.
Shaking myself, I check my watch to find I’ve been sitting here thinking about Julian for far too long. Not only do I feel like the day is starting off on the wrong foot because I won’t see him, I’m now going to be rushing to do my usual morning tasks.
Quickly changing and dropping my bag off in my office, I rush out to the front desk. Immediately, I spy a familiar coffee cup sitting by the mouse.
Rushing forward to read the writing on the cup, my insides turn warm and melty at the distinct scrawl I recognize as Julian’s.
Gotta keep shooting my shot…
Slapping a hand over my mouth, I grin. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Today is his first day off from the hospital and clinic, and he went out of his way to still bring me a cup of coffee.
Pulling out my phone, I snap a picture, then open our text exchange from last night. My cheeks hurt from smiling so big when I see his last message.
Doctor : Gotta keep shooting my shot
Me: [picture of coffee cup with Julian’s scribbled note centered in the frame]
Me: And I gotta keep you on your toes!
My head has beenin the clouds since the first day that cup of coffee was waiting at my desk, and each day since, I’ve been unable to erase the smile that now feels permanent.
But it’s not just the coffee. Our text exchanges have changed.
After the picture and my teasing response, he used the opportunity to smoothly sneak past my defenses. I didn’t put up a fight. We’ve moved beyond surface-level single messages that didn’t necessarily require responses to him slowly breaking down my walls. I find myself readily being flirty or cheeky in my replies now. We’ve shared a little bit about our families, friends, and interests.
We have not talked about our past romantic relationships, though. Because, one, I don’t want to think about him with anyone else—I already think of him as mine and mine alone. Two, my embarrassing lack of relationships and why is not something I’m too keen on sharing. And, three, it also feels like I’d be admitting there is an us, which I’m not sure I’m ready for.
Though I do want him, I don’t want to risk my job.
And now that I’m being honest with myself, I’m still coming to terms with how we could make whatever this is, or could be, work while maintaining our privacy.
Outside of Charlie—and to an extent, Connor and Sarina, since Charlie is slowly drawing her into our circle since she recently moved to the area a few months ago—I have maintained strict personal boundaries since I started working at the hospital. I have polite and familiar acquaintances. I even participate in the teasing and bantering with my coworkers. But I have chosen to keep my private life just that—separate and private.
For me, there is also what happens when things don’t work out. There is the possibility of Julian starting a new relationship or situationship with someone we both work with, and that is something I would find unbearable to see or hear about. Becauseas much as I have tried to snuff out these feelings I have for Julian, they only burn brighter and hotter.
So, for now, I continue to walk the line.
Julian, to his credit, has remained patient and devoted. Never pressuring me for more than I can give at this moment. When I clam up or shut him down, he makes a joke and moves on to another topic. I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to resist him. Him continuing to show up topples more bricks from my already-crumbling walls.
“Ian looked sohot this morning, dripping in sweat and out of breath. God, I just want to fuck him already.”
I’m searching for a loaner instrument that needs to be returned to a vendor when Devin’s voice carries to me over the instruments shelf ,and I freeze. My head swivels from side to side, checking to see if anyone else is near enough to hear this.
A loud gasp proceeds another voice that makes my skin crawl. “Where did you see him? I thought you told me he’s been standoffish,” Tasha says.
“I stopped at the gift shop for a pack of gum on my way in this morning and I saw him coming out of the staff gym as I was passing by.”
From our texts, I knew Julian has been working out after dropping off my coffee, but I haven’t seen him since the morning Benny almost caught us huddled together at the desk. I’m overtaken with the sudden urge to gouge Devin’s eyes out with the small, sharpened rake retractor I coincidentally happen to be holding in my hand. I hate that she’s seen him like that and I haven’t.
“You don’t think I can win him over? The way you did with Merritt?” Devin says in a snippy tone.
