Page 28 of Scrubbing In
When I apologized for moving too fast before, I also promised I would be on my best behavior. While I mean to keep that promise, it doesn’t mean I won’t let her know of my intentions to pursue her. After yesterday’s lapse in control, I’m just determined to do it the right way.
Navigating this has me floundering in ways I never have before. My romantic history sorely lacks any insight.
I had my fair share of hookups in college. It came easy being away on my own, and as a former athlete, I had plenty of athlete friends. Lots of girls always around. However, during medical school and residency, those dwindled with how busy I was.
I did have a steady short-term situationship during my fellowship. We both knew the score and were too focused on our careers for anything more serious. She was fun when we could find time to hang out, but when we were apart, I never really thought of her. So, when she told me she met someone she could imagine a future with, I was relieved. I’ve been celibate since, not due to lack of opportunity or attention—I’ve just had blinders on to anything but surgery.
Therefore, I should have been shocked when Leena rocked my world with one look from her expressive, vivid green eyes. Rather, it was as if something clicked into place inside me.
I’m starting to realize it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Right now, no one else needs to be privy to my feelings for her, but I can lethersee my desire and longing for more while also maintaining control over my body’s reaction to her presence.
Yes, I want her physically. So much, I’m aching at the thought of her small body in my arms. Under me. Over me. It doesn’t matter how, really. I just hope I get the chance to explore everything with Leena. But I need to build her trust in me, trust that I will respect her boundaries and remain professional here at the hospital. I don’t want to bulldoze my way through her walls, I want her to invite me in.
It will be like walking a tight rope to find that balance. But if slow and steady is how I get her to give me a chance, then I’m ready for a marathon. Leena is worth the effort. She is worth the wait.
My gaze floats into the window of our operating room I’m standing next to. I spot Charlie standing off to the side, gowned and ready for surgery. The nurse stands by the patient at the head of the bed while anesthesia administers medications necessary to place a breathing tube and render the patient unconscious for their surgery.
I leave Connor at the sink as he starts his own hand scrub and head into the room. “Charlie, it’s good to see you again,” I say as I approach.
“Good morning, Dr.IanJacobs,” she replies, draping a sterile towel over one of my hands.
Not missing the emphasis on my first name, I can’t quite grasp how she feels about me. If I had to guess, she’s heard about my faux pas this morning.
Before the nurse comes over to tie me up, I lower my voice and quickly say, “People have called me Ian since I was in high school, but most of my family and those closest to me still call me Julian. It felt right to introduce myself that way to Leena.” I lower my voice even more when I say her name, ever mindful of my girl's concerns. “It still feels right for her to call me that. Iwanther to.”
Charlie stares me down as she holds out the gown for me to slip into, contemplating my earnestness.
I stand tall under her scrutiny, holding her gaze. Part of my plan requires Charlie as an ally. I’ll need to feel out where she stands on making Leena mine. She seemed to approve at the restaurant, going so far as giving me that gentle nudge to go after her. I’m hoping she hasn’t changed her mind, though. I also need to tread carefully while I’m with Connor this week until I’m on my own. Until I am free to talk to her.
Unable to say more without the privacy this conversation deserves, I need her to see my sincerity where her friend is concerned.
With an indistinct hum, she finishes gloving me as the nurse comes over to tie up my gown. Only when I hand her the card attached to one of the front ties and spin around, do I break eye contact.
Connor comes in as anesthesia and the nurse are unlocking the bed, spinning it so we have plenty of space to work on the wrist fracture.
The rest of the day, and cases, go smoothly. In the evening, with nothing needing immediate surgical intervention, Connor and I head out.
When he came on board, he restructured the department so a PA would always be on site if the Emergency Department needed a consult. If we are able to reach the hospital within twenty minutes, it is at the surgeon’s discretion to stay because incoming Trauma STATs usually allow enough time for us to get to the hospital while the emergency room physician and general trauma surgeon evaluate immediate needs. Plus, with seven-day shifts, it allows us to go home regularly. Staying with Jace while figuring out my housing is definitely a perk. He lives close enough to the hospital that I won’t have to live in an on-call room during my shifts.
I’m disappointed I didn't get to see Leena for the rest of the day, not that I’m really surprised. Earlier, as I was passing by the charge desk on my way to pre-op, I did overhear the charge nurse direct someone to her office. You better believe I lingered under the guise of studying the large screen on the wall displaying the surgery schedule, all so I could see which door was hers. In the hopes of seeing her walk out, yes, but also to catalogue any information about her that I can.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Leena
Turning up the resistance,I pedal harder. As my heart rate climbs, I can feel the stress melt away. I may be working my body into an exhaustion that rivals my overworked mind, but I’m already feeling better.
After my spiral this morning, I doubled down on work and spent most of the day locked in my office. My single-minded focus was doubly rewarding. I accomplished more work in a day than I usually do, and I successfully avoided dwelling on Julian’s distant attitude. However, when I got home, I knew another distraction was needed. So I hopped on my Peloton.
My home gym is the flex space over the garage, so I can hear when Charlie gets home.
Not ready to share my recent spiraling, I force myself to act as if nothing is amiss. But let’s face it, she’ll see right through me.
One of the things I love about Charlie is she doesn’t force me to talk about all my feelings. She may wheedle me, but if I don’t give up whatever’s on my mind easily, she’ll back off. She respects my need for privacy, knowing I’ll share when I’m ready, because she can be pretty private too and appreciates when I let her work through her emotions in her own time.
Toweling away the sweat on my face, I gulp water down before the next interval.
“Mama!” Charlie sing-songs up the stairs before she pops her head in the room.
