Page 66 of Falling for the Felid
My conversation with Raðulfr echoes loudly through my head, but it’s not the same. Meara was innocent; I was not. I did things that haunt me still. I’m right to believe that people will hate me.
Aren’t I?
CHAPTER THIRTY
Felix
I’m notsure what happened while I was on the ice with the kids, but Ari’s even more withdrawn after the clinic finishes than he was before. He’s also pale, his complexion peaked and his expression… haunted? I don’t know. I just know that I don’t like it. The Ari I know has always been serious and intense, but this is more than that. My gaze barely leaves his face while Erik gives his speech thanking us players for participating, but he avoids my eyes and everyone else’s. As soon as Erik’s done, Ari disappears down the hallway that leads to the front office, and I make a beeline for Erik.
“What happened to Ari?” I hiss as my teammates head to the showers.
Erik frowns. “I don’t know. He’s been quiet all day, but it seems worse now.”
At least I’m not imagining it. I blow out a frustrated breath, teetering on the edge of uncontrolled feelings. The hormones are under better control now, but puberty’s still not perfect and not easy.
“Don’t let him leave without me,” I order. “I’ll be quick.” I don’t give him time to reply before racing off to the rooms. Maybe I should be respecting Ari’s privacy, but I don’t think it’sout of line for me to ask him what’s wrong when he’s acting out of character.
I hurry through my shower, grateful that helping beginners skate doesn’t work up too much of a sweat, even in full gear, and throw all my stuff into my bag.
“Someone’s in a hurry,” Vitter says, still wearing only a towel. “Hot date, FeFe?”
I flip him the bird. “You need to get out more. This obsession with my love life is getting creepy.” His laughter follows me out the door.
In the office, Erik is talking a mile a minute at Ari, who looks confused. They both spot me at the same time, Erik’s expression relieved, Ari’s… scared? A heartbeat later, it’s neutral, but I can’t shake the sight of that fear from my mind.
“Hey,” I say cheerfully. “Ready to go? I thought maybe we could get pizza or something.”
For a second, I’m sure he’s going to say no. Then his lips curve in what should be a smile, and he nods.
“Yeah, sure. But let’s order in.”
I waituntil we’re eating—until Ari has just taken a big bite—to pounce. I’m a cat, and pouncing is something I’m damn good at. It’s all in the timing.
“Is everything okay with you? Only, you’ve been off for the last few days, and I’m starting to get worried.”
He stops chewing, but his mouth is too full for him to speak, so I press on.
“You can talk to me about anything. Vent, rant… whatever. I can be a vault if you need me to.”
After a second, he begins chewing again, and then he swallows and puts his slice of pizza down. Anticipation prickles down my spine.
“I’ve been troubled. I still am. There are things…” He stops, his lips pressed in a tight line. “Raðulfr said some things that have made me reconsider my perspective. I want to believe that he’s right, but I’m… scared.” He takes a sudden deep breath.
I take a second to consider his words. This is clearly going to be a heavy conversation, and I don’t want to fuck it up. “Are you scared that he might be wrong?”
Ari nods, then shakes his head. “Yes, but that’s not—I mean, I know he’s not wrong. That fear is unjustified. An instinctive response.”
“Like a kid being afraid to open the closet after dark?” I remember how scary that was, even though logic and the fact that I opened that closet about ten times a day told me there were no monsters living in there. Some fears are completely irrational.
“Yes.”
I don’t say anything else. It’s up to him if he wants to tell me why he’s scared. I’ve already made it clear that I’m willing to listen.
He swallows hard. “When I was young, a little younger than you are now, I was part of something terrible. Raðulfr forgave me and allowed me to join the army so I could atone, and I pledged my life to that atonement.”
I try not to react, but a lot of things are suddenly becoming clear, and I’m not sure whether I want to hug him, call him an idiot, or back away. A lot of it has to do with what, exactly, the terrible thing was. Although, Raðulfr forgave him, so it couldn’t have been anything irredeemable. Right? If it was, surely Dáithí would have mentioned it. Truly terrible deeds are hard to keep secret.
“This is why you’re not able to make promises?” I ask. “You don’t consider your life your own until you’ve fully atoned?”
