Page 101 of Bar Down Baby!
I couldn’t handle his earnest, steady stare, so I turned to look at the wall above my old dresser. The cork board was still up, photos, notes, and faded movie tickets beneath multi-colored tacks.
“It’s never been that I haven’t wanted you,” I said. “I just know myself, okay? I know me better than you know me, and I can’t let myself believe this is real. It’ll hurt too bad when it’s not.”
“Why do you have so little faith in me?” Barry asked, voice as quiet as mine.
I didn’t know how to explain that it wasn’t him I couldn’t trust, it was the version of me he thought he knew that couldn’t be trusted. The illusion of me that he had in his mind, that image I was so sure I would shatter. And if I let myself love him, by then I’d be too far in; it would hurt too bad. I think it would break me.
“And how do you know if you’re anyone’s forever if you’re too afraid to try?” he asked, exasperated now.
And that was the heart of it, wasn’t it? I was too afraid to fail to ever try.
I pressed my lips together and shook my head. “It’s never been a you problem, Barry. You’re perfect.”
I looked back up at him finally, resisted the urge to run fingertips over the light lines beside his eyes and mouth, stuck there from all the smiling. A muscle in his jaw ticced as he studied my face for a quiet moment. From downstairs, we heard an eruption of laughter from my family, oblivious to the woes happening in this lavender bedroom.
“There’s going to be a day you let someone in. It’ll be horrible and frightening, but you’ll trust yourself to do it until it’s not so bad.” Barry pulled my head lightly to his lips, pressing a kiss to my hairline before he stood up. “I just hope I’m the one to see it.”
I closed my eyes as he walked out, hurting myself by imagining that he was right. That it could be him and me.
CHAPTER 33
THE DEATH OF THE MURDER BASEMENT
Early in the morning on Christmas Day, Barry woke me with light kisses on my shoulder. It was too early to wake up when neither of us had to work, and I groaned in protest. Barry laughed lightly and brushed hair off my face. We both had stinky morning breath, but he leaned down and pressed a long, soft kiss against my lips. I could have sunk right back to sleep then and there.
Barry had other plans.
“Come on, I have a surprise for you.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“What kind of surprise?”
“You’ll just have to see.” Barry kissed my cheek and then got out of the bed. He was already dressed in a hoodie and sweats instead of the boxers he usually went to bed with, and he picked up a travel mug from the dresser and held it out toward me.
I rubbed my eyes and sat up.
“How long have you been up? Is that coffee?” He held it out to me, which is when I saw the peppermint tea bag string hanging out the side. He was just as bad as Kate. “You’re no fun.”
I took a sip anyway and was charmed that he added way too much honey again. Almost undrinkable in its sweetness.
“Come on,” he coaxed. He’d already laid out a pair of sweats and a sweater for me too, and I let him help pull them up my legs and over my head even though I was more than capable of dressing myself. He pulled thick socks onto my feet and, with afew kisses on Junior’s head, we were set to go. Chloe would sleep in for hours yet, lucky girl.
We listened to Christmas music playing on the radio as we drove, and he parked in the driveway of my house as the sun just crested over the mountains. I looked at him in question, but he said nothing, only got out of the car and rushed to my side to open it for me.
As our breaths fogged in front of us, I followed him to the front door instead of where we usually entered from the kitchen. As soon as he opened the door, my breath caught.
“What—”
Barry took my hand and pulled me over the threshold while my eyes raced to take in all these details I wasn’t understanding. Through the living room, the flooring was newly installed, these perfect, light wood planks. I stepped on it gingerly, and marveled that it wasn’t so creaky as it was before. I crossed the living room to the place that had the most damage, but the bathroom was completely transformed. The walls were back in place, new drywall, and already mudded, too—it just needed paint.
The tub was replaced with the new one I’d picked, walls also fresh and ready for the tile that had been sitting in boxes in the garage, now stacked up next to where the new toilet would go.
“I thought you’d want to supervise the tile installation,” Barry explained. Speechless, I only smiled, because he was right. “Come on.”
I took his outstretched hand and followed him into the kitchen, which was the most transformed room by far. The mock-up I had done for the custom cabinets I picked last summer was reflected perfectly, flooring installed, dark wood cabinets installed, and new countertop all in place. Plus, the new appliances I wanted but thought I wouldn’t get for years shone in just the spots I wanted them.
My eyes watered as I looked at the kitchen I dreamed of but didn’t know how to accomplish, not when I had a baby to payfor, a car I needed, every expensive thing that would have made getting to this part in the project impossible for years.
