Page 68 of Twice Shy
The other accusation is that I used subterfuge to provide you with a mount. Of this I am not, and will not, be ashamed. You have viewed it as an attempt to deceive you, use you in some way, but you are completely mistaken. I bought the grey mare333because I was so appalled at a true horsewoman being forced to ride such an animal as had been provided for you, and then also because I knew I had done you a great disservice, and providing you with a horse that might give you pleasure might, though anonymous, atone in some way for my ‘sin’. The world at large would not accept such a gift as permissible so subterfuge was my sole recourse. Since you were not to know of my action, it was clearly not intended to make you think the better of me.
Lady Jersey’s party haunts me. I had suchhopes,such honourable hopes, and they were dashed in an instant by your disgust andanger.I was not thinking, and compoundedmyfollyby lettingmyfeelingsdictate my words, making you an offer that wassoabhorrent that it led to your injury.
His mind was suddenly flooded with the remembrance of her in his arms. At the time it had been a practical act, but now he recalled the lightness of her weight, the touch of her hair brushing his cheek as her head lay against his shoulder. His throat tightened.
My cause is surely lost. Even aspiring to your mildest regard is ambitious. Yet I have to tell you that I have never felt for any woman what I feel for you, and that the life that seemed perfectly contented is now revealed as empty because I know you cannot bring yourself to be part of it, Elizabeth. Forgive the intemperate words; you have to know the truth of me.
334If you can bear it, I would beseech you to permit me a few minutes of your time to make this clumsy explanation in person, for words upon paper are so inadequate, and that you might find it in your heart to dismiss me with forgiveness. Giles Godmanchester would, I know, convey any message.
I remain,
Your eternally devoted servant,
Lucius Radstock
His hand trembled at the signature. He looked at it, as if surprised, and then clasped his hands together before him on the desk to steady them. He read the letter through, and sealed it, aware that his future lay in its reception.
The post was brought as the ladies finished breakfast, for Helen Godmanchester was thankfully past the weeks of sickness and some mornings felt well enough to enjoy tea and toast with her friend. The butler brought in a tray with several missives upon it, and presented one to Elizabeth, who thanked him, expecting it to be from Amelia or her aunt. The hand was unknown to her, and she frowned. Lady Godmanchester, who did recognise the writing, smiled innocently.
‘I hope the letter is good news, Elizabeth?’
‘Good? I … Helen, do you know this writing?’ She held the letter, unopened.
‘Why yes. It is Lucius’s writing. I am very pleased. It is about time he screwed up his courage and wrote you an apology.’ Her ladyship sounded very calm and matter-of-fact.
335‘Screwed up his … I won’t read it.’ Elizabeth flushed, wishing her pulse had not increased with the thought that he might be afraid to write to her, and trying to be resolute.
‘Is that fair, to either of you, my dear? Whatever lies between you, is it not right that you let him at leastapologise, explain—’
‘Explain? There can be no explanation, nor excuse.’ She closed her eyes. ‘Oh, Helen, he has made me so miserable.’
Her friend leant over and took her hand. ‘Are you not also making yourself miserable, Elizabeth? At least readwhat he has to say. It might make things easier.’
Elizabeth wavered. Then, with fingers trembling as much as those that had sealed it, she opened the letter. She read in silence, and only by the ebb and flow of colour and the biting of her lip could Helen Godmanchester assess her emotional turmoil. Mastering her curiosity, that lady kept silent. After a few minutes, Elizabeth laid the letter upon the table. She said nothing, but her bosom rose and fell swiftly in her agitation.
‘I can’t. I must not. If I do …’ she murmured, more to herself than her hostess.
‘Not do what, Elizabeth?’
‘Not meet him. If I do, I will be weak.’ She saw her friend’s perplexed frown. ‘I will let him persuade me with soft looks and kind words, and he will break my heart.’
‘Forgive me, my dear friend, but is your heart not broken now, here? Could he not mend it? If he loves you?’
‘Men do not love.’
‘You are wrong.’ Lady Godmanchester shook her head, confident in her knowledge. ‘Men do love, and their love is336worth a great price if won. If Lucius Radstock has written you a letter that makes you even think of meeting him, then it is he who is opening himself up to be hurt. Can you not see that?’ Her voice was very gentle. ‘Do you not love him, Elizabeth? Is that not why you have been so low?’
Elizabeth turned to her friend, laid her head upon her shoulder and wept.
It was not to be expected that their meeting would be easy. Sir Lucius arrived at Thornby Park, grim-faced, and his friend thought him rather haggard. Elizabeth was, thankfully, out in the grounds with Lady Godmanchester when he shook his host’s hand and was invited into the house.
‘How is she?’
It was the question that had burnt within Lucius Radstock every mile of the journey, and took precedence over polite platitudes. Lord Godmanchester did not, for a moment, think his friend was asking after his wife’s health.
‘Quiet. Not at ease, I can tell you that much, even less so since your letter. Helen will not reveal all that they speak of, for there are things between women that are not for even a husband’s ears.’ He paused. ‘I can only say that if she has been this miserable over a breach between you, surely it must indicate that she has deep feelings for you. Anyway, come along in and clean the travel stains from yourself. Helen and Elizabeth are promenading slowly about the rose garden, I believe, and will be back shortly.’
Sir Lucius did as he was bid, presenting himself in the morning room some twenty minutes later. Lady337Godmanchester looked to be blooming. He smiled, and complimented her upon it, and then turned to Elizabeth. The contrast was almost shocking. She was pale, and there were dark shadows beneath her eyes. He had never seen her look less beautiful, and never wanted so much to look after her, drive away her miseries. The formalities meant nothing; he spoke, she answered. Lady Godmanchester smiled upon them and, with a complete disregard for social niceties, declared that since they had things to say to each other, she would go and see if little George had run Nurse ragged, as he had been threatening to do after breakfast.
