Page 59 of A Highland Bride Forgotten
“Well…ye, for one,” River said. She had never met anyone as kind, as bright as Layla, and she doubted she could be compared to someone like her. “Layla, there’s...there’s things about me ye daenae ken.”
“Whatever it is, I’m sure we’re makin’ it greater in yer mind than it truly is,” Layla assured her. “Ye can tell me anythin’, me lady. I will never tell another soul.”
“Aye, I ken that,” River assured her with a soft laugh. Then, she fell silent for a long time, contemplating the best way to tell Layla the truth about her past, about the children.
There was no other way to say it other than to simply come out with it.
“Me faither was never faithful,” she said through a deep, trembling breath. “Everyone kent it. He kept mistresses for years, and when me maither found out...there was nae stoppin’ her. I never thought...I never thought her capable of everythin’ she did, but rage and jealousy blinded her.”
Layla remained silent, watching River intently, absorbed in her story. As the memories rushed back to her, River couldn’t help but laugh bitterly, the sound ugly and sharp. Her mother had done so much harm, and yet River still missed her dearly now that she was gone.
“Me brother was the one who discovered the truth first,” she continued, “He found evidence that she had been tryin’ to harm the women and the bairns me faither sired. There had been other attempts before that, other women harmed or threatened, but that was when he finally realized how far she was willin’ to go. He confronted her and she...she stopped. For a time, at least."
Layla's face had gone pale, as if she already expected what was to come. River kept her gaze fixed on the fire, the memories too painful and too fresh for her to be able to meet Layla’s gaze.
“It didnae last, of course. We thought she had changed but she...she was only bidin’ her time,” River said, fidgeting with the edge of her sleeve just to have something to do with her hands. “Then she killed Arya’s and Colby’s maither.”
Layla closed her eyes briefly, swallowing audibly. She reached for River’s hand, and River let her hold it in her strong grasp.
“Och, me lady...”
“I look at Arya and Colby sometimes and I think about the fact that they have nae maither because of mine.” Her voice trembled as she spoke, but she pushed through, determined to get the full truth out. “I became their guardian because there was nae one else. And every time they smile at me, every time they trust me, I remember that they're orphans because of her.”
“But Arya and Colby adore ye,” Layla said. “I ken that, me lady, everyone does.”
“Aye,” said River. And she adored them too, more than she ever thought possible. But that didn’t change the fact that her bloodline was responsible for the end of theirs. “Do ye ken what the worst part is?”
The question came out as a whisper, the words too painful for River to speak out loud. They were like glass in her throat, tearing her flesh apart.
“I loved her,” she said. “She was me maither, and despite everything she did, despite all the horror she caused, part of me still loved her. What sort of person does that make me?”
“A daughter,” Layla said softly.
River laughed and shook her head. “Nay. It makes me a fool.”
“It does nae such thing.”
River's eyes burned with unshed tears, but she refused to let them go. She refused to be so weak once again, just as she had always been.
“Everythin’ I do...everythin’ is to atone for her sins,” River admitted. “How can I nae? If I had stopped her, if I had done somethin’ sooner?—”
Layla's grip tightened.
“Me lady?—“
“When Archer said he didnae want bairns...it hurt, but I understood.”
River had never admitted this before, not even to herself. She had always told herself the relief came from the fact that she didn’t want to be a pawn to his games and she needed to make up for what her mother had done, but she had never allowedherself to think that perhaps Archer didn’t want to have children with her because he, too, thought she didn’t deserve them.
But now that fear, was threatening to consume her.
Layla frowned. “Ye understood?”
“How could I nae?” River asked quietly. “If I were him, I might have thought the same thing.”
Layla stared in silence, waiting for River to explain.
“Me maither hated innocent bairns because they reminded her of me faither’s betrayals. She destroyed lives because she couldnae control her own bitterness. Sometimes I think there must be somethin’ terribly wrong with me for sharin’ her blood. If I became a maither, how could I ever ken I wouldnae become her?"
