Page 167 of Secrets and Lies
“Maybe,” he says. “But situationships are usually a mutual thing. He didn’t want you to reciprocate, even though you had enough time and you wanted to.” He tosses me a look.
I chew on my lip. He’s tearing apart all of my counterpoints, and I don’t like where my thoughts are straying to.
The only reason this thing with Anthony has worked this long and I haven’t fucked everything up by catching feelings is that I’ve carefully ignored those feelings and pretended they don’t exist.
Any sign that shows this might be more than just sex for him will just get my hopes up, and I don’t want to lose him as a friendwhen this ends because I was dumb enough to catch feelings for him.
“How long has it been going on?” he asks when the camera finally pans away from Ant and the twins. “You and him,” he clarifies.
I pause and think back. “Almost six weeks.”
“And you’ve seen each other almost every night since it started,” he points out. “Even on game nights and after he has house stuff to deal with. And you don’t just fuck around, you hang out for hours after the sexy times are over, and you told me he shows you his edits when he doesn’t even show his friends, who are actually in the edits, before he posts them.”
“Holy shit.”
He gives me a sympathetic look and lets me process everything he just dumped on me.
“Everything you said makes it sound like we’re boyfriends,” I say slowly. “But we’re not. That’s not what this is.”
“Are you sure?” he asks as the game finally starts, but neither of us is paying attention to the screen anymore. “Because it sounds like you guys are dating, you’re just on the DL.”
“What if you’re wrong and this is just his version of casual?” I counter. “You don’t know him like I do. He’s different from most people. And not in that ‘I’m not like other dudes’ way, but like hethinksabout things differently. He doesn’t see the world the same way we do, so it makes sense he’d do a casual hookup differently because he never does this sort of thing.”
“Oh, honey.” Damon gives me a pitying look. “Say that last part back to yourself and really listen to your own words.”
“What part?” I ask, genuinely confused.
“The part where you said he doesn’t date or hook up with people, but he’s been doing both with you for the last six weeks.”
I shake my head. “No more talking about this. If you keep saying all this stuff, I’m going to start believing you and thinkmaybe there’s a chance that this means something to him and he might love me like I love him, but I can’t—Oh my god.” I freeze as my brain sort of glitches out for a few seconds. “I love him,” I repeat dumbly.
Damon bursts out laughing.
“Fucker.” I lightly slap his thigh. “You give me an existential crisis and then laugh when it bitch-slaps me in the face?”
“I’m sorry,” he wheezes. “But it’s about damn time.”
“Huh? What does that mean?” I ask, still wrapping my head around the fact that I’m head over heels in love with Anthony, and have been for longer than I’ll ever admit to anyone, including myself.
“It means it’s nice to see you’ve finally figured it out.” He pats my thigh in a way that feels very condescending. “You’re my best friend, and I love you, but it’s obvious that you’re in love with him, and I’ve been waiting for you to realize it.”
“Well, I definitely realize it now.” I slump in my seat and fix my eyes on the screen.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“No.” I laugh nervously. “I just admitted out loud that I’m in love with the guy I’ve been hooking up with, and you have me convinced we’re actually dating, so now I’m going to have that hanging over my head until I either say something completely unhinged and out of pocket and risk losing everything, or I tell him how I feel and risk losing everything.”
“Do you really think he’d stop being your friend if he doesn’t feel the same way you do?”
“I have no idea, and I really don’t want to find out.”
“So what are you going to do?” he asks.
“No clue. Probably try to shove all these feelings back into their little box and go back to ignoring them.”
“And if you can’t do that?”
“Then I’ll figure out another way to pretend they don’t exist.”
