Page 40 of Forgiveness
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Flux
Maggie’s question diedin his ears, her voice still ringing through his skull as Flux tried to sort through the millions of thoughts running through his brain. As soon as he’d foundthem, he’d shut down, not talking to anyone about it, not even his brothers. A sharp wince made his muscles shake and tense, but even though Maggie must’ve sensed the shift in him, she didn’t back down. Instead, she ran her hands over his, trying her best to soothe him like he was some sort of spooked horse or something.
Though Flux couldn’t deny the ghosts from his past were spooking him—they always did. He didn’t revel in the idea of bringing all that shit up right now, especially when things were so new between Maggie and him. But she was fucking right; she’d asked more than a few times about his story. Who was he to bury his cock in her all night, protect her from assholes like Chet, take her out on his bike, yet deny her such a large part of himself.
Flux let out a long, ragged sigh. The sound seemed to come up from deep within, an endless well of pain that had gnawed on his insides until he numbed himself out with anything and everything. Grief licked at his core and he inhaled a shaky breath, his palms flat against his thighs.
It’s fuckin’ show time.The moment seemed as good as any to show Maggie his damn scars and hope to hell she wouldn’t run for cover once she realized that his fate was all his own goddamn fault.
“Flux, are you still here with me?” Her voice cut through the muck clouding his mind.
“Yeah, Duchess,” he croaked through the lump in his throat. “Fuck, I don’t even know where to start anymore …”
Words stuck in his throat and Flux groaned in frustration, gnashing his teeth together as Maggie gently shushed him and continued stroking the top of his hands.
The kitchen. Blood splattered from wall to wall.
Alicia. Naked in a pool of blood. Stab wounds crisscrossing her body like a checkerboard.
Emily. Fuck … Emily. Face down. Lifeless. Covered in angry, deep slashes.
Like snapshots against a flashbulb, Flux saw every single graphic picture in his mind, in full-fucking-3D color with all the trimmings. His stomach rolled and he nearly gagged as Maggie pulled back and tilted his head up until he looked into her eyes.
“It’s okay, Flux. I won’t leave you. Talk to me,” she said softly.
The steadiness in her eyes reminded him that he was in Tucson, on Mt. Lemmon, surrounded by pine trees and not in his home on Redwood Drive. Flux nodded, wordless, while he groped for the beginning of his story.
“I met Alicia when I’d just turned twenty. It was right after I got my full patch with the Insurgents.” Flux swallowed, the words thick in his throat, but he refused to close his eyes so Maggie wouldn’t see his pain. He needed to maintain their connection while he broke down all his walls. “She was the best.” A small smile ghosted across his lips as the image of Alicia eating watermelon on the seat of his bike flitted through his mind.I was so pissed that she was gonna make the seat all sticky, but she just winked at me and laughed, and then we made love—right there on the bike.
“Was Alicia from Pinewood Springs?” Maggie’s voice dragged him back from the past.
Flux quirked his lips while shaking his head. “No. She was from Johnson City. That just fuckin’ blew us away. We were both from the same town in Texas, but we didn’t know each other until we met in Pinewood Springs. She used to say it had to be fate because it was too much of a coincidence.” He shrugged. “I don’t know … maybe it was. When I first saw her at a country western bar, I had to have her. She felt the same way about me and we started dating. Six months later, we got hitched. The brothers thought I was fuckin’ crazy for settling down with one woman at such a young age, but Alicia was everything I ever wanted or needed. She was the perfect old lady, the perfect woman, she completed parts of me I didn’t know were busted and broken open.”
Flux darted his eyes around until they landed on Maggie’s. He ran his knuckles softly over her cheek. “Shit, I shouldn’t be talking about this with you. Forget I said anything, okay? Just … fuckin’ forget it.” He jerked his hand away and made to get up before Maggie’s fingers cupped the side of his face in a gentle gesture that soothed his demons.
“Don’t shut down on me now,” Maggie said.
“Shit, Maggie. You don’t need to fuckin’ compare yourself to a ghost, and I’m a damn bastard for making you.”
“Shh, that’s not what this is about, baby. I asked you to share, and Alicia was a part of you.”
For a beat, Flux searched her face and traced the lines of her expression for any kind of pain. When he was satisfied there was none, he nodded and coughed before starting again.
“Alicia liked the biker lifestyle, and she was cool if I hung out at the club or went to the parties as long as I didn’t fuck around and made time for her. We had a real rhythm going.” Flux shut his eyes tightly, fending off his unshed tears that burned his eyes. “A couple years later, we had Emily.” He chuckled and shook his head. “Fuck, she was cute. She was more perfect than both of us combined. I couldn’t stop holding or kissing the little one. I felt so lucky to have Alicia and her in my life …”
“Something happened to them,” Maggie spoke softly, kissing him lightly. “Tell me.”
“The sick, fuckin’ bastard slaughtered them. Alicia and me had been going through a rough patch a few weeks before. She had a problem with one of the new club girls—Rosie. Now, Rosie’s a flirt and she’s a looker, and Alicia got it in her mind that I wanted her, which I didn’t. I never wanted anyone but my wife. Anyway, I don’t go in for cheatin’—I’m not that type, and Alicia knew it, but she was being insecure about Rosie and I don’t know why.” Flux glanced over at Maggie.
She shrugged. “Us women sometimes get insecure, especially if things are too ordinary. We think that a man may be getting bored and want some variety. Maybe that’s what she was feeling.”
“Maybe. When the charity poker run came up, I told Alicia I was going. She was cool with it at first, but then as it neared, she told me she didn’t want me to go. When I asked her why the fuck not, she couldn’t give me an answer—just told me I couldn’t go. I don’t like anyone telling me what I can do, so I told her I was going. Period. I was actually looking forward to getting away for a few days and putting some brakes on our bickering. So I left—we didn’t even kiss goodbye that day ’cause we were both too pissed off. When I came back they were gone. Butchered.”
He choked on his pain and shook his head, unable to continue. The visions of their bodies assaulted him and he couldn’t get enough air. Maggie’s voice faded in and out. In and out. He couldn’t make out what she was saying to him anymore. Everything was melting together—his pulse skyrocketed, he felt his chest being squeezed like a vice, and he was going to burst or suffocate.
“Oh, Flux …” Maggie’s cool hands stroked his face, his neck, and his arms.
